I’m ready. He’s not

[fig]

My husband and I already have one baby, who is now a toddler.

Since before I got pregnant we talked about how we wanted two. And I’ve said pretty consistently I want them to be close together.

I don’t mind pregnancy, I don’t mind breastfeeding, but I am looking forward to the day when I don’t have to do any of those things anymore and my body is my own.

Originally our plan was to start trying for number two last cycle, but a bunch of things were up in the air so we agreed it wasn’t the right time.

All of those things have resolved themselves and I am ready to go. My husband knows this and has been avoiding “the chat.” Or he picks a time when our toddler is being particular toddlery and goes “are you sure you want two of those?” Yes. Yes I am.

No advice needed - we’ll have a good talk soon, we always do. But I just needed to vent. Feel feee to commiserate.

 

[luckswallows]

@fig Sorry to hear you are dealing with that. As a husband in a somewhat similar stage with a toddler and a wife who wants many kids, I'm struggling. I have a genetic heart disease we didn't find out about till now. If we have more, they will have a 50% chance of having it. It's horrible. I'm afraid she resents me secretly because she wants more kids and I'm scared of that.

These talks are never easy and what might be perceived as snarky could be deeper. My advice is to give him at least a chance by trying to be patient and asking him to talk about it. Hope things work out.

 

[katrina2017]

@luckswallows IVF? I believe you test for it at the embryo stage (the goal is to make a few) and choose the ones without it.

 

[fig]

@luckswallows Thanks for the kind words.

Sorry you’re going through that. We found out my husband is the carrier of a genetic disease when I was pregnant and it was really stressful getting all those tests and trying to figure out what would happen with the baby. Luckily it’s recessive and I’m not a carrier. Hope the two of you get some answers soon. I will say I never resented him for that - it’s not his fault and not something he can change.

 

[auna]

@fig I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Those snarky comments would drive me crazy. I hope your husband is open to a real discussion soon.

 

[alpha42]

@fig Same feelings. At the moment my man in the solitary reason we are not TTC. And there are days where my feelings towards him get really complicated. I love him more than the world but the frustration is difficult

 

[fig]

@alpha42 I feel you. We dealt with the same thing the first time around and it was so frustrating.

Eventually I asked him if he’d be “ready” anytime before I hit menopause. He agreed he probably wouldn’t ever be truly ready. And then a few months later agreed to start trying.

I just didn’t think it would be a struggle to get him on board again.

 

[alpha42]

@fig I think sometimes men just have no sense of urgency. My SO seems way too relaxed about everything on the outside. I wish he would let me know what he is thinking. At the moment he is very distracted at work. The pressure is on him. We are both trying to save money (in the UK is bloody impossible at the mo) to put a deposit down and have a small wedding. It is just so frustrating all of it. I wish we could be ready now. I mean hell we are ready. We both want a baby, but the way the world is is making it impossible. I fear that it will never happen with every ounce of my being.

 

[fig]

@alpha42 I know that feeling so well. My husband doesn’t like change - and needs a push when it comes to everything.

 

[alpha42]

@fig Mine is the same. It took years to get him to propose. If he is gunna take the same length of time to decide for a baby I won't be staying very simply. My mum and gran both hit menopause really young. Like 35-40. I am 25. But that means I have 10 years left. I would like a few kids in that time. I get so scared he won't make up his mind until we only have a few real good years left. He says that once the wedding is out the way we can TTC. But with covid that is always up in the air.

 

[fig]

@alpha42 Yep. Same same on the proposal.

I have straight up told him I don’t want to have to be responsible for all of these decisions. So frustrating.

Hope you guys get your wedding soon. Covid sucks!

 

[alpha42]

@fig I hope so. We're booked for next september. Was supposed to go for viewing in a few weeks for reception venue but that is looking unlikely now. UK looks set to be locked down again next week. I really worry that the public health service will sink, and maternity care will become more difficult to access. I was previously a student in midwifery, but the politics in thr UK healthcare system and the shortstaffedness was too much to cope with. But it's the same everywhere. Everyone is hard pushed, this year has been an absolute flop

 

[fig]

@alpha42 Could you do a small civil ceremony if you can’t get your big wedding?

I have such a hard time imagining still dealing with covid next September. But I know we likely will be.

That’s been another of my husband’s arguments - “are you sure you want to have a baby during a pandemic.” But I know they have good protocols in place and I don’t want to put my entire life on hold just because of this stupid virus.

 

[alpha42]

@fig I am happy to have a wedding with just witnesses if that comes to it, I was never planning anything huge, I want that money to go to my babies.

I tell him to look at it in the way of how people have lived during previous times of hardship. The end of WW2 saw a baby boom. A whole generation of people born in the space of a couple years. People continue to live even in these difficult times. My cousin got pregnant with her first baby just after her sister passed away. Life does not wait for perfect conditions. I don't think there ever is perfect conditions. End of the day, people are just highly socialised animals right? We are flesh and hormones that drive our actions. We have conciousness. That makes us question our choices. I know deep in my soul/mind that I am ready to be a mum. I've been ready for years. I have been patient for years. How long do I keep letting him have the control?

 

[diego87]

@fig We're in a similar position. We have 2, one is nearly 4 the other one 1 and a half, so we're basically in toddler hell. And I'm not saying I need one right now. But I know I want another one, and we'd originally agreed that we want a big family (we both come from 5-people families). But he's now saying he doesn't want another at all, and it's causing friction between us...

 

[fig]

@diego87 That is so frustrating. I feel like now that the first one is out I’m on a bit of a timeline for the second one.

I was joking earlier today (to my husband) our first kid is going to be in college and he will be like “okay, I’m ready for number two now.”

 

[diego87]

@fig Oh I totally get that. We started ntnp when the first one was 9 months old, hoping for a small age gap, but since I was still breastfeeding I didn't have a cycle. With the first one I was like it happens when it happens, with the second one I was really antsy. Every month that passed without a cycle was another month in the age gap... It worked out for the best in the end (I love their age gap now!) But then I was NOT relaxed