I’m going to Uk for a week but I’m lying to my parents about it and now I feel really guilty

[ryanmessy]

I’m going to the Uk with my friend in a week and few days. We already bought the tickets and reserved bnbs and planned places to go. My friends bf also lives there so we have a local + bnb hosts to show us around. We looked up about how to use our money there cause of currency change and also airport fees. I have 3.5k saved but only going to use about 1k. It’s a new country anyways, I can be entertained by just walking around to admire new culture.

I feel as if we’re prepared but I’m lying to my parents about it and I’m feelings really guilty about it to the point where I feel sick. I lied because about a month ago I told my parents I was gonna go to Hawaii with my friend but they said no and was kinda upset about it. So imagine what they’ll be like when I say I’m going to a whole new country. And because I thought my friend would also be lying so we could at least be in it together but yesterday she told her dad and he was kinda chill about it and told her she can’t go alone and needs to be careful. And also because I’ve grown into a liar due to my parents always being helicopter parents and super strict and protective since I was young.
It always felt suffocating and tiring, I always felt that they never trust me and think I’m stupid, even when I would tell them the absolute truth they would doubt me and think I’m lying, so I decided I’ll just be what they think I am doing. I hated being told I’m an adult but they treat me like a kid since I was 12.
But in recent few months my mom told me they do trust me and that I shouldn’t have to lie about my location and that I should just tell them the truth. I guess that’s where the guilt is coming from.

I told them I was going to San Diego, my mom already hates that idea and looks at me like I’m crazy. She thinks I just looked at the ticket and decided to just go with no planning or idea of what I’m doing. But my friend paid for my ticket and most of the bnb because I told her I don’t have much but she wanted me to go with her so she paid for my travel. And with my money, it’s my money I don’t see why I can’t do what I want with it. And I’m 18, and one time I remember my mom telling me I need to go out and travel sometimes to spread my wings, I don’t think this is what she meant lol.

But idk I think I should’ve put this in vent or something but should I tell my parents the truth? I made a budget sheet for myself to visually see but should I also make an itinerary to be convincing to my parents if I decide to tell them?

 

[mikevws]

@ryanmessy It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with your parents, but lying about leaving the country is not the best way to do it. You are an adult, seem to want to be treated like one, time to start acting like one.

 

[tamaraz]

@mikevws You have never dealt with narc parents... there IS no resoning with them... you literally cant. Im 31 and i lie about my life to my parents daily.

 

[raika]

@tamaraz This! Not all parents act like mature adults and sometimes you just can't act correctly with them cuz you will always get the short stick end

 

[kezi]

@ryanmessy I wanted to share my perspective as a parent. I don’t have teens yet as my children are all still very young. I also used to lie to my parents a lot about things in college.

First off, there’s a huge chance you’ll get caught. I’m wondering if there are some things you haven’t thought about. Do your parents have access to look at your bank accounts? If so they would be able to see where your card is being charged or if you withdrew large amount of cash. (Banks may charge an extra fee in a foreign country). Are you still on their phone plan? Unless your phone would work with a SIM card, you either need switch to an international phone plan for a month, or you’ll be charged more per call/text. You will be unreachable on the flight from the US to Europe for 10-12 hours. You parents may be trying to get in touch with you. You’ll also be on a different time zone, so you’d have to sleep with your phone on the answer if they call or text. What happens when you return home and they ask to see pictures from San Diego? What happens if there’s major airline delays on your way home? Maybe you’ve thought through some of these things and have solutions… I’m not asking you to answer them for me. I’m just trying to make you think this through rationally.

With all this in mind, getting caught is a huge risk. This will make things way worse than being honest with them. As a parent I would be livid. I’d be upset that my child lied to me about something so big, and went to great lengths to hide it from me. I also would be worried about my child’s safety if they traveled internationally without letting me know. While the UK is a “safe” country, there’s a million things that can go wrong while traveling internationally.

There’s a good chance this would really damage your relationship and trust with your parents. I do remember what it was like to be 18 and want to live as an adult. I was definitely naive at that stage. You also need to keep in mind that while you are legally an adult, you still have to follow their rules right now. As long as you’re living with them (or if they are paying your expenses in college), you do have to play by their rules.

I obviously don’t know your parents, so I don’t know how they would react. If my child came to me and explained the situation with the trip ahead of time, it would make things better. I would be upset that they planned this huge trip without my knowledge. However I think it shows maturity to e up admit “I planned this trip behind your back and realized it was stupid and wrong of me. I want to make it right and tell you now.”

Parents also have a weird 6th sense…. I was living a crazy life my senior year of college (at a private conservative university), and lied to my parents a lot. I was dating a guy 10 years older than me and experimenting with things I shouldn’t have been. My parents did not approve of this. I decided to stay at my apartment over spring break, even though I always went home or on a trip with friends. I planned to go on vacation with my boyfriend and made up a whole other story to cover my tracks. We went somewhere with hardly any phone service. My mom was trying to check on me. I was desperately trying to find enough service to respond to her, but couldn’t. She immediately knew I had lied about who I was with and where I was. Plus, me spending a few nights alone with a guy was VERY taboo. This was one of many things I chronically lied about to my parents that year. It really tore down my relationship with my mom. It took us years to get to a better place. Now as an adult, she’s one of my best friends!

Edit: sorry this is so long. I hope this helps and that things work out for you!

 

[ryanmessy]

@kezi Thanks for the example, I didn’t really think about how it would affect my relationship with them. For the past week I was thinking about ways to cover my tracks and pretend I’m in San Diego but they all turned out negative since the plane ride is really long compared to San and it would surely expose me since I know they’d be calling a lot. I think I’ll just tell them today and hope for the best

 

[suzeh]

@ryanmessy Please, atleast tell someone close to you. If something goes wrong, someone needs to know.

 

[debsy17]

@ryanmessy Don't lie about where you're going just for the safety factor.

Apart from that, idk

 

[katrina2017]

@ryanmessy Where in the UK are you going? I think that matters to my answer. Because there's a difference in a week long stay in Coventry and Edinburgh.

Honestly, sounds like this is an awesome trip for your friend to see her boyfriend but a pretty bad one for you, depending where her boyfriend is and what your friends intentions are. And has she ever met her boyfriend or is it one of those long distance ones she's going to meet for the first time, and she's "using" you for safety? In which case, I'd have more of an issue with that if it was my daughter. Then it's not really a holiday she planned out for both of you to enjoy.

 

[ryanmessy]

@katrina2017 We’re going to Solihull and Birmingham but staying in Solihull.
It’s a first time meet up and I’m aware she’s using me for safety. I know I’ll be on my own sometimes and I’m fine with that. But most of the time I’ll be with them, her bf is aware I’m gonna stick with them and third wheel.
And if it goes bad then we can have a girls trip and if it’s good he can show us around more

 

[katrina2017]

@ryanmessy Not going to lie, with that in hand that's a terrible idea for a multitude of reasons.

1. Blowing 1/3rd of your savings to stay in Solihull is wild. It's Solihull, not Hawaii. More or less fine for London but flying across half the world to have a girl's night there is crazy to me, as someone who lives in the Midlands. Go somewhere with nice weather, a beach, pina coladas, a nightlife where people put on sundresses and flowers in their hair and go listen to guitar music. Getting drunk alone in a airbnb while they're getting it on in another room sounds like a gnarly holiday.
2. She's never met the man in person. If its her boyfriend, and she still feels unsafe with the idea of meeting him alone, then you can understand why you should even be more weary with a man you've never met or talked to. "If it goes bad...." is a bad justification for a holiday. HE should be the one travelling. 18 year old girls going abroad to see a man they don't know is a precursor to a horror story. If my son was 18 and met a girl online and he wasn't ready to fly out and see her and meet her family first, I wouldn't be so happy with him. There is always danger with meeting people from internet, and this danger is always heightened for women and children. The guy has an onus here to make sure it's extra safe here.
3. Human trafficking is a whole ass thing. Don't assume it's just in a Liam Neeson movie. It's a whole ass thing. You're 18 year old girls flying to another country to see a guy who you've never met and with parents who have no clue which continent you're on let alone where you are. Birmingham is also rife with grooming gangs. There are also, in general, not very nice people in the world who pretend to be very nice and then stop. I'm not saying that's the case here, but see point 2. I don't get why the sole female is expected to travel first and you think that's a cool move.
4. Just don't be used by friend. Go on a genuine holiday to a place you genuinely want to see with people who genuinely want to just spend time with you.
5. Mothers care about your safety. They don't stop caring after you're 18. Whatever happens to you, will live with them for a lifetime.

 

[dreyday]

@katrina2017 I agree, Solihull is awful

 

[batteredbaptist]

@ryanmessy Ok, ngl, that sounds like a terrible unsafe idea.

I also had helicopter parents, and it warped my view of what was safe/unsafe. They'd freak out over everything, not just what was unsafe, so I kinda assumed everything was chill. So when I was an adult I had to relearn that some things are actually unsafe/bad ideas. If she feels the need to bring you for safety, it sounds like she hasn't known him that long.

How long has she known this guy? Where are you going to meet? How did they meet originally? How old is he?

1/3 of your savings is also a lot to spend. Do you have a job? Are your parents going to continue to support you? Are you going to college? Trade school?

I would rethink going on this trip

 

[ryanmessy]

@batteredbaptist She’s been with the guy for almost 2 years online, he’s 16 tho, they met while she was still in high school. Im a college student with my own job so I’m financially fine, I’m not in any debt.
I know it’s not a smart idea but I didn’t want her to go alone and we were planning a trip for this summer to like San diego or Hawaii but she also wanted to meet him too so we combined the ideas

 

[anonym00s]

@ryanmessy As a teen parent, and an involved aunt of young adults, you begin being treated like an adult when you behave like one. Your parents will continue to treat you like a child as long as you continue doing things that young teens do. Part of being an adult is making decisions and boundaries for yourself that others may not agree with and needing to stand behind your decisions. A start to this is being honest about things, instead of avoiding confrontation. Your parents aren't going to like you traveling far based on your prior behavior. You need to tell the truth, deal with the confrontation, go on your trip, be reasonable about checking in, and come back when you say you will. The next time will be less confrontation, and the time after that less, etc., because you would have demonstrated maturity.

And going away to a foreign country without telling people who care about you, where you will be, is just plain stupid and dangerous. Anything can happen and they won't even begin to know where to look. Lying about this especially is incredibly immature.

 

[tamaraz]

@anonym00s My parents are narcs. There is NO reasoning with them. Literally they are just irrational and controlling.soooo many people on this thread have OBVIOUSLY never dealt with narc parents. You literally CANNOT have an adult conversation with them. Im 31 and I lie about ALOT to my parents mostly my dad. He will never change so i learned how to survive and adapt and thats by lying.

 

[anonym00s]

@tamaraz Nah. I have terrible parents. They don't deserve the energy that goes into maintaining lies. At some point, you mature above it, and either put them on an information diet.... They only know what you want them to know, go no contact/low contact... My answer to my father, or you stand your ground, ignore their opinions and live your life. Anything else is a waste of time and energy.

 

[tamaraz]

@anonym00s I live in a house they own and i cant afford to lose my inheritence. I pay all the bills myself etc all utilities and my all my own personal expenses. They still claim me as an adult deoendant and refuse to let me pay for anything else because they get the tax discount. It keeps THEIR tax bracket lower. They do not like me working alot because if i make more than 25k a year they can no longer claim me. They have access to all my bank accounts etc. Its a HUGE screaming match about any independence. I cannotnafford my health insurance or meds so they pay for that too. My dad is insane and paranoid.... my mother is battered wife syndrome and i CANNOT just abandon her... if i left ...he would redirect on her. . I HAVE to stay and play the game to protect my mom. She refuses to leave him because she deoends on him to pay all the bills etc. My dad wont even allow my mom to drive to the grocery store on her own. He doesnt allow me and my mom to hang out alone together because he thinks we "talk shit about him". My dad is 72 and just went through radiation treatment. He truly means well .... he just has this control issue when people dont want him to help or dont allow it. We are just saving money and waiting for my dad to pass at this point. Im working a job i really do like though. My dad will not allow me to use venmo or have any cash on me. He takes all my cash. Says it makes me a theft target.

 

[anonym00s]

@tamaraz This is not remotely like the situation OP has going on. She's just 18, and it seems like she's been lying about her whereabouts and now wants to travel to a whole nother country without telling people. She doesn't describe abusive parents. And I bet if we have their side of the story, their point of view is that she's not quite as mature as they would like, and that she's not always honest. And while she's legally an adult, she was just a kid a minute ago. None of what you got going on relates to her situation.

 

[tamaraz]

@anonym00s Didnt see an age in the post intitally so wasnt sure.