I’m a new dad as of 2.5 weeks ago and can’t say I’m all that excited. Is something wrong with me??
- Thread starter kath26
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@skydivingwollongong im just incredibly lost how this is all fun and joy as everyone says. if u have to suffer through years and years of crying and exhaustion. i’m so confused
@kath26 Who told you newborn kids were fun? They’re hella cute, and they can be funny. But man, they’re so much work.
It gets easier once you form an emotional connection to your child (and don’t feel bad if you don’t have one yet, that’s completely normal.) and it will slowly start getting easier as they grow and become more independent.
But yeah. Dunnu what to tell you. Having kids is rewarding, but it’s a lot of hard work, and very little sleep or freetime for years. So. Hang in there.
It gets easier once you form an emotional connection to your child (and don’t feel bad if you don’t have one yet, that’s completely normal.) and it will slowly start getting easier as they grow and become more independent.
But yeah. Dunnu what to tell you. Having kids is rewarding, but it’s a lot of hard work, and very little sleep or freetime for years. So. Hang in there.
mc_squared
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@kath26 It's all really hard, at least it has been for me. My son is 12, and we're going through agonizing preteen bullshit. He's not an infant, but there are regular tears again, and lots of yelling some days. It gets better because you can sleep again, and they will in fact eat and pee and poop all bu themself someday. You do bond when it doesn't feel like you're holding a delicate little monster that destroys nipples, your sense of self, and sanity.
But please do look into post partum. There is nothing wrong with you, but there is help. Lack of sleep on top of the massive stress can really cause problems.
Take care of you and your wife, and have compassion for yourselves.
But please do look into post partum. There is nothing wrong with you, but there is help. Lack of sleep on top of the massive stress can really cause problems.
Take care of you and your wife, and have compassion for yourselves.
katrina2017
New member
@kath26 Yeah, it's a beautiful miracle looking from the outside in, but in the household, a new baby is hard work.
It doesn't seem this way, but they will require less attention before you know it and it'll start to be more pleasurable than annoying
Also, when you're getting less piss and shit all over you, it's easier to bond with your child lmao
It doesn't seem this way, but they will require less attention before you know it and it'll start to be more pleasurable than annoying
Also, when you're getting less piss and shit all over you, it's easier to bond with your child lmao
@kath26 It's pretty normal to go "wtf did I get myself into?" during the first few months, mom or dad. I only had one biological child because the newborn phase was not something I wanted to do again. There might be some additional factors like colic that has made your particular baby extra challenging. Make sure to discuss any concerns with the doctor if your baby seems to be screaming around the clock (one of my sisters, for instance, was born lactose intolerant and as soon as they swapped formula she stopped screaming 24/7 from pain). If they are fed, dry, and safe then if you need to secretly cry on the back porch while they scream a bit you would not be the first new parent to do so. Good luck (and don't shake 'em!)
promisedparadise
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mommyndbug
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@mommyndbug I just wanna second this. I think it's really important to get things under control before anything bad possibly happens. I'm not saying you will, OP, but there are so many instances of new parents, probably with PPD/A, losing it and shaking their baby because the crying made them lose their minds. The devastation caused by this is unthinkable.
Plus, on a lesser scale, if you end up yelling at the baby a lot bc the crying drives you insane that can be very damaging to them as well as the mom. I ended up giving up my career and one of the reasons was his dad couldn't handle the crying. He got pissed, he yelled at him a lot, so I ended up not leaving them alone. I got no help at night, had to give up a great paying job, etc. And my PPD was made worse by stress and exhaustion.
Plus, on a lesser scale, if you end up yelling at the baby a lot bc the crying drives you insane that can be very damaging to them as well as the mom. I ended up giving up my career and one of the reasons was his dad couldn't handle the crying. He got pissed, he yelled at him a lot, so I ended up not leaving them alone. I got no help at night, had to give up a great paying job, etc. And my PPD was made worse by stress and exhaustion.
melaniechristina
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@mommyndbug Yes, plus one to this. Some feeling of stress and feeling overwhelmed is expected with a new baby. But there's also levels that aren't normal or healthy. I'm not a doctor and I'm not OP, but I'll say that feeling disconnected and avoiding the family/baby is a very common sign of PPD in new fathers. I would urge OP to talk to a professional if you feel it feels like a level that is hard for you to handle on your own. Don't feel self-conscious or anything. This is something that happens and if you need help with it, it's available and you should seek it out.
In general, those first few weeks and months will suck. You'll be tired, stressed, and wondering if having a kid was a the right call. It happens. Things will get easier. It will take time and you'll wonder how you're going to make it, but time will go by and you adjust.
The kid will start sleeping and they'll start interacting more and learning and doing new things. And don't sweat it if you don't feel that connection. It's not always something you're going to feel right away. It just varies by parent and even by child. I'll say that I didn't even feel the same level of connection to my kids when each was born. It just depends on the situation and a number of factors. I still love them both very dearly now that they're older and time has passed.
In general, those first few weeks and months will suck. You'll be tired, stressed, and wondering if having a kid was a the right call. It happens. Things will get easier. It will take time and you'll wonder how you're going to make it, but time will go by and you adjust.
The kid will start sleeping and they'll start interacting more and learning and doing new things. And don't sweat it if you don't feel that connection. It's not always something you're going to feel right away. It just varies by parent and even by child. I'll say that I didn't even feel the same level of connection to my kids when each was born. It just depends on the situation and a number of factors. I still love them both very dearly now that they're older and time has passed.
mommyndbug
New member
I also want to add to this. I've know a few parents that have really struggled in the first 6 months (or more).
My husband referred to the first 6 months with both our kids as tamagotchi mode because they're basically drink, sleep, poo, repeat. You're probably also exhausted and on one of the biggest learning curves of your life. Somewhere around 6 months they learn to smile though and they start getting a bit more motor control and can sit up a bit better and can start exploring the world around them a bit more. Hopefully at some point they'll also start sleeping a bit better, which also helps.
As another thought, if baby is crying a lot have you checked whether s/he has any issues like reflux / colic / dietary issues that are causing that? If breastfeeding does it get worse when your wife eats certain foods, if formula feeding does baby need a different milk?
My husband referred to the first 6 months with both our kids as tamagotchi mode because they're basically drink, sleep, poo, repeat. You're probably also exhausted and on one of the biggest learning curves of your life. Somewhere around 6 months they learn to smile though and they start getting a bit more motor control and can sit up a bit better and can start exploring the world around them a bit more. Hopefully at some point they'll also start sleeping a bit better, which also helps.
As another thought, if baby is crying a lot have you checked whether s/he has any issues like reflux / colic / dietary issues that are causing that? If breastfeeding does it get worse when your wife eats certain foods, if formula feeding does baby need a different milk?
@mommyndbug This, babies and the hormonal changes from having them happen in both parents. If you genuinely feel like you can't connect with your newborn you might be experiencing a hormonal fluctuation that is exacerbating what is already a difficult time.
@kath26 To me, the first 2 or 3 months are a net negative. I don't like them. It does get a lot better after that, for many reasons:
- They don't cry all the time
- They sleep better, and so you sleep better, so you're in a better mental state
- They smile, create eye contact, laugh, tickle
- They're no longer just a bag of meat, they start to develop a personality
musicmanbuttemt
New member
@kath26 Having an infant blows. They cry and shit constantly. You can't sleep. You can't do anything that doesn't revolve around the baby.
I'm sure you still love the baby though. And it sounds like your being a good dad.
Just give it some time. They start laughing and smiling very quickly. Soon they'll be hugging and kissing you saying I love you daddy. Then it'll be worth all the bullshit.
Goddamn little things will grow on you. Trust me.
I'm sure you still love the baby though. And it sounds like your being a good dad.
Just give it some time. They start laughing and smiling very quickly. Soon they'll be hugging and kissing you saying I love you daddy. Then it'll be worth all the bullshit.
Goddamn little things will grow on you. Trust me.
@kath26 I second having a talk with your doctor about post partum depression. If that's where you're heading it's better to adress it sooner rather than later.
Other than that - as someone who studies developmental psychology - I would say: hold your baby as much as possible to improve your attachment bond! More skin to skin contact and it doesn't matter if baby is asleep or not. You can wear baby in a sling, so you can have your arms free, or place baby in your lap when you do house chores while sitting down. Doesn't matter how, just hold it. Physical contact is one of the most important factors in the development of secure attachment. Both baby's attachment to you and your attachment to baby.
I hope you will feel better about it all soon!
Other than that - as someone who studies developmental psychology - I would say: hold your baby as much as possible to improve your attachment bond! More skin to skin contact and it doesn't matter if baby is asleep or not. You can wear baby in a sling, so you can have your arms free, or place baby in your lap when you do house chores while sitting down. Doesn't matter how, just hold it. Physical contact is one of the most important factors in the development of secure attachment. Both baby's attachment to you and your attachment to baby.
I hope you will feel better about it all soon!
britishgal
New member
sweetwater15
New member
@kath26 don't stress yourself or force yourself into any feelings you think you should have.
it will take some time for all of you three to get to know each other and accept the brand new situation.
I am sure that you can appreciate the fact beeing a proud father and partner in the next weeks or months but do not force it. (this does not include that the stress level will totally go down as I can confirm from our 10 months old daughter
)
it will take some time for all of you three to get to know each other and accept the brand new situation.
I am sure that you can appreciate the fact beeing a proud father and partner in the next weeks or months but do not force it. (this does not include that the stress level will totally go down as I can confirm from our 10 months old daughter
)qualitytranscript
New member
wanderingpresbyteriantim
New member
@kath26 Yeah that's quite a normal feeling.
Life has changed, you're giving a lot to both your child and wife and recieving very little, and not many people want to admit that, but it doesn't mean you don't love them. Parenthood has been the focus for you both for months and now it's happened and it doesn't live up to the Disney style picture everyone creates, the early months are boring and tough and that's ok. Also as a Dad we spend a lot of these early moments feeling like we're on the outside looking in on motherhood.
I know it feels like a long way away until you're watching cartoons with them or playing at the park but it will come. But you have so many absolutely magical moments to come.
Before you know it'll you'll be giving bedtime cuddles while they look up and tell you that the best part of their entire day was playing with you and it will hit you, how incredible this is.
Life has changed, you're giving a lot to both your child and wife and recieving very little, and not many people want to admit that, but it doesn't mean you don't love them. Parenthood has been the focus for you both for months and now it's happened and it doesn't live up to the Disney style picture everyone creates, the early months are boring and tough and that's ok. Also as a Dad we spend a lot of these early moments feeling like we're on the outside looking in on motherhood.
I know it feels like a long way away until you're watching cartoons with them or playing at the park but it will come. But you have so many absolutely magical moments to come.
Before you know it'll you'll be giving bedtime cuddles while they look up and tell you that the best part of their entire day was playing with you and it will hit you, how incredible this is.