I’m a new dad as of 2.5 weeks ago and can’t say I’m all that excited. Is something wrong with me??

[jessetwigg]

@kath26 I so feel for you! I've been there and I'm the Mum... I was very protective of the little potato from the get go, but stary eyed love? Not so much... Everything was tasks. Is he fed (he was a preemie so we had to feed him a certain amount every three hours)? Is he clean? Is it nap time? Have we done enough tummy time? Too hot/ too cold? Took a while to get to love, it took his doing stuff and developing a personality. Give yourself time. And the screeching?! It was almost physical pain, but you get used to it, kinda. I still jump up and listen when I hear a baby cry.

 

[savedbygrace11]

@kath26 You are a person, and your feelings are valid. A crying baby is bothersome. How you choose to react to this situation is what defines your character.

It appears that you are rising to the challenge. Good for you. It is okay to be tired and miserable from the effort. It is okay to want it to end (it is not okay to harm the baby to make it end just to be clear, and also to be clear I am not making an accusation).

Your baby is learning at this time. He is learning that when he has a need that he should cry and you or your wife will meet that need. This is an extremely important life lesson for him to learn, and will help him be a fully functional well adjusted adult. You are investing in your relationship with your son. It is not just a miserable experience that you have to slog through. It is a valuable time to invest in your child. This investment has a cost though, and it is okay to wish that the cost was lower. Just like you would not be a bad dad for wishing private tutoring for your child was less expensive.

It has helped me to reframe my thinking from how gross and horrible diaper changes are, or how much sleep I would rather have than get up an feed my baby to why I am doing these things. I do these things to support my wife that I love. I also love the baby, but not in a mushy joy warmly radiates through my body sort of way. Well at first. I am sitting at 11 weeks now, and I catch those little smiles and happy baby noises. Yeah that is the good stuff.

I take breaks to run errands just to be away from the crying. Sometimes after everything that can be done has been done and the crying continues, the baby just needs to go in his crib in another room to cry there.

Self care is important. If you are stressed, then that transfers to the baby. Also if the baby is stressed that transfers to you. Unfortunately only you have learned to cope with the stress. You are now coping for two (actually three because your wife is also stressed by the baby). There will be moments where she is completely exhausted and upset, and you will need to carry the emotional load of all three of the family. This is hard. It can only be sustained for short amounts of time.

Hopefully you have family or friends that are willing to help out. Accept help from people that you trust. It can be as simple as they come to your house, so that they can hold the baby. Look at your priorities. Drop anything that isn't really important. Get rest effectively. Find something that makes you feel good. Don't know where you are healthwise, but I choose to eat a junk food snack. It triggers all my happy brain chemicals and is something that I enjoy. Maybe for you it is a quick five minute walk, shooting some baskets in the driveway, a round or two of video games, watching sport highlights. It does not really matter what the thing you do actually is as long as it is quick to do and makes you feel good with low cost.

You are not bad because you don't enjoy this experience. Just like you are not a bad person if you don't enjoy running ultramarathons or eating ghost peppers. There are probably a lot of people that actually loath this phase of child care, most tolerate it, and there are some that enjoy it. Every kid is different, every adult is different, every situation is different.

 

[ckanupp]

@kath26 Some people feel that instant connection with a newborn, which is great, but it's not everyone. I'd even go so far as to say the majority of people don't get that instant click. For some people it's going to take until the first smile, or when your kid calls you dada the first time, or when he's able to roll a ball back and forth, or play catch, and that's totally fine.

Let's be honest here, other than the snuggling and new baby smell, newborns suck. It's once they start developing personalities that it gets to be "worth it."

 

[countrypreacherman]

@kath26 Toeing the line between awkwardness and running for the hills will define you and your future the rest of your life. The baby is new, might take some time to get used the feels. Let it sink in before even considering flight or flight. We all go through it...good luck.
Source: Father of 4

 

[alphabob]

@kath26 Def not alone! i honestly cannot remember first 6 months of my oldest's life, and he's almost 11 years old now. I struggled a lot with breastfeeding, sleep depriviation. Take naps when baby is napping, seriously. even 20 mins nap helps alot to cope mentally. Priortize mental and sleep care over house/chores etc!

 

[blackakira]

@kath26 Get some ear plugs. (Really) The crying is annoying and some people don’t instantly bond with their babies. There’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t know what it will be that makes you fall in love with the baby but it will happen. It happens to every parent. It will be when they smile at you for the first time or when they coo or wrap their arms around your neck. Or one day they’ll just fall asleep in the cutest position and you’ll be like “omg that’s my baby.” But even after that happens you might still want earplugs. Good luck.

 

[homais]

@kath26 The first 6 months are some of the worst in your life, if not the worst. After 6 months, it gets better - they can react to you, recognize you, and are beginning to crawl. (Side note, sit on the floor and let them crawl on/over your legs - tires them out.)

It's worth it, but those first 6 months SUCK!

 

[cc2468]

@kath26 I have two out of the house and one teenager. Trust me, it gets a lot better. It's hard for the first couple crying years but then it's a whole lot of fun being a dad. Patience is a virtue, bro.

 

[dawveed]

@kath26 My opinion: it doesn’t really get fun until they are about 2 years old.

 

[fortierprincess]

@kath26 Im a new dad too our son is 10 months now, it hets way better and i actually like the work now because hes a baby and cant take care of himself. Its a llt to get used to, no sleep the crying etc. If hes crying hes telling you he needs something, something isnt right. Hes hungey, tired or perhaps peed himself or in pain (silent relux is a mofo). Youll need to just suck it up and do it for tour family bro...it gets better in time. But cherish these moments becuz they grow quick

 

[scottydouglas]

@kath26 It's a big adjustment. There is a big difference to baby being in your wife's womb to being out in the world.

Just breath. The first few months are insanely hard. After that, its just regular hard.

 

[jnathan87]

@kath26 For first time fathers who have neither the "new baby" hormones coursing through their body nor the experience of the joys that come later in the baby's life...

It basically sucks until the baby starts really smiling (6 to 8 weeks).

Then it starts getting better.

Not great at (many) times, but you will probably enjoy some highs as the baby begins to feed positive emotions and actions back to you.

And those early highs make the lows MUCH more tolerable.

The highs get higher and more frequent, and the lows both change and reduce in frequency.

Fwiw: I was actively trying to figure out how I could return my first crying poop machine to the hospital when she really smiled for the first time and maybe saved her own life (jk...mostly). Now she has 2 younger siblings and is off at college and I love them all so much.

Hang in there! It gets SO MUCH BETTER in just a few (seemingly never-ending) weeks!

 

[katrina2017]

@kath26 I became a dad by choice, and I had a pretty good idea what I was in for, so no resentment.

Baby being born? Yuck. Gross. Not "beautiful". Newborns are basically noisy, messy blobs, and the greatest thing about breastfeeding? You can't do it.

But ...

At around three months they start noticing the world, and they smile at people they like, and you get to show them all the cool things in the world, and they hold your finger when they start to walk, and in between the needy times they can be fun, and if you let them then they can be enthusiastic about all the stuff you've seen a million times, and you watch them grow up.

And then one day will be the last time you pick up your child, and you won't even know it.

And then one day will be goodbye.

It gets ... easier? Maybe. But it's an adventure. You might as well have fun with it.

 

[katrina2017]

@kath26 Don’t fret dad. You’re probably stressed and tired beyond everything and haven’t had the opportunity to bond with your baby.

Bonding with a new baby can take time and effort but it will come dad. Make sure you are attending to the baby, holding them, nuzzling them, rocking, singing, reading when baby is also calm and receptive, this is pretty important as those are great times to start building that bond up.

It can be very difficult to bond with a baby while they are crying and fussy. Give it time dad.

Congrats on your baby, it’s hard work but it’s the best love you’ll ever have.

 

[lola7]

@kath26 My son is currently 19 months old and I must say, for the first 6 or 8 months I felt nothing. I hate to admit it but I didn't care for him much. Now I feel as though hes the best thing that I've ever brought to this world. I cant wait to get home from work to see him, o love playing with him and watching him learn. Being a dad is amazing but it didnt start that way, I was indifferent to it. Give it time, I'm sure you grow into it. It's amazing

 

[jesusboosted]

@kath26 Get through the blur of newborn. This is a time for mom to live with the life she just carried for 9 months and is just now experiencing in her arms. Sorry to say but this is not your time for the baby. So turn your focus to taking care of mom, make sure she's fed, comfortable and as a previous poster started, take the kids out in the stroller, or car ride, just get out and give mom a break.

Look at it like a puzzle to be solved. What makes baby happy? What makes baby sad? What makes baby sleep? (This one is crucial!) Figure it out and solve those puzzles, it's satisfying for you and will make mom as happy as a sleep deprived feeding machine can be!
The new baby period is hard for dads, we're useless as parents and the baby just wants mom. It gets better, way better. It's just not your time to shine yet. I found mine at the 3-4yr old stage and it's awesome! Takes work, if your not feeling it for baby don't worry, feel it for mom and the rest will come, good luck!

 

[representativeb]

@kath26 It seems you're referencing that moment of absolute love that many parents talk about. It can be different for each child as well. We have 2 together. Our older girl, my husband was smitten from the start. Me, not so much. Our second, I fell in love with her in the first few hours, but it took my husband months to get that feeling.

What I'm saying is don't stress about it. There likely will come a time somewhere down the road when he'll snuggle into your chest, or give a sweet smile, or laugh at something ridiculous and you will just melt. You're doing great just being an involved dad and helpful partner. The bond will come.

 

[mary44]

@kath26 You've already had a lot of wonderful people empathizing with your situation so instead of doing that I will just leave this little mantra for you, which is something my mother told me and which really, really helped me feel less guilty for not being the sparkling, radiant being of maternal love I thought my newborn deserved:

What you do for your son right now is far more important than how you feel about doing it.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things for both your son and your wife. It's okay to not be excited - or even particularly willing - right now. Bonding with your child will happen on it's own. For some it happens right away, for others it takes time. I loved my daughter right away but I didn't truly start to enjoy motherhood for months.

 

[crystalwolf]

@kath26 Mom here & to be honest, with my first, i didn't have an instant connection when my son was born & I even had a 9 month head start. I loved him but it was like bringing a little screaming stranger home who disrupted everything. I promise though, as time goes on, you'll develop more of a connection & you won't be able to imagine your life without the little crying pooping machine also, if baby is crying more often than not, s/he may have digestion issues. My 2nd screamed pretty much all day/ night & ended up having MSPI (milk soy protein intolerance). Once I adjusted my diet, he improved drastically. Parenting is hard & down right sucks sometimes but it's also pretty great too!! Hang in there!

 

[bonnienova]

@kath26 Give it time.the problem is the "expectations".no one is telling the truth.the first two months will be tiring and exhausting. Everyone went through that and frankly it's everyone's fault that the new parents are feeling like a something is wrong with them.nothing is wrong with you. having a new baby in your life has changed you, you have lack of sleep everything is new. It needs time.