Husband + cosleeping. Help.

[liwinedivas]

Most of the week, I cosleep in our spare room with my 9 month old. She’s not a great sleeper and still wakes every 3ish hours at night to nurse. My husband is very sweet and often talks about missing having me in our shared bed, so we’re doing shared bed on the weekends when we can both afford to be a extra sleepy due to baby waking both of us instead of just me.

Issue is that he’s such a grump when he’s sleepy. It feels like 3/4s of the day is a pity party where he has a bad attitude because he’s tired, but he forgets that I’m running off of the same amount of sleep (likely less since I’m the one responsible for baby at night).

I honestly don’t have any desire to sleep in the same bed at all given his mood the next day. I’d rather sleep alone with baby and have a functioning human for a spouse lol. Is this inconsiderate of me? Do I put up with the bad mood to satisfy him wanting us in the same bed, or do I get happy husband back but tell him I can’t sleep with him? And how do I tell him this without making him feel inadequate?

 

[favourfelix]

@liwinedivas How about just sharing a weekend nap?

 

[liwinedivas]

@favourfelix Husband and I aren’t nappers, but we can def try to do more snuggling while reading on the couch or something!

 

[favourfelix]

@liwinedivas My husband and I have been getting into a lot of bickering matches lately (he’s been away a lot for work.) Today he drove back from a neighboring state and picked us up from visiting my sister and niece for two weeks. 5mo Baby and I joined Dada for a medical appointment, hit an oyster bar for fun, came home and when baby seemed content for a few minutes in his bouncy seat I initiated some snogging and we really needed that.

I have had a great time being my baby’s mom, I am not suffering! But i am constantly on call and I never knew how much faster you can use up your batteries when you’re never allowed to turn off. My husband hasn’t been with us for much of this early stage and doesn’t quite understand the value of a shower taken waiting for baby to cry and hoping you can shower fast enough to tend to him beforehand or ditto for using the toilet or getting food. Don’t even think about a whole load of dishes or folding a whole load of laundry or cleaning anything more thoroughly than a quick wipe. Not long after we were finished, the baby started fussing but not intensely and I was hungry and wanted a minute to finish unclenching completely from the stress of being away from home/being in annoying arguments with husband and enjoy that we were finally home. Husband urged me to ‘hurry! He’s hungry and I want to take a nap!’ and at first I hopped to- but then I kinds felt my ass clench back up and thought, ‘oh man, now I gotta start over on the relaxation,’ and explained that, ‘hey, it’s okay for me to be the one whose needs come first 1 of every ~20 times or so. I know he’s tired and probably a little hungry but he’s okay and he’ll probably give me a little more time if you get up and walk around with him til I’m done unclenching my arse.’ And he got that! He came in and played with baby, who laughed and fussed a little ~5 minutes later but that was all I needed to get to prepare my snack and fizzy water before our nursing session and contact nap.

 

[annae]

@liwinedivas This is honestly such a short season but no it would not be worth it for me to put up with a pissy husband because he wants to sleep in the same bed but can’t hang. I would keep the current sleep situation and explore other ways you can exercise intimacy with one another!

 

[horsefeathers8899]

@liwinedivas I think you should be honest about how you feel. It’s not selfish. Your feelings are valid. The nap is a great idea. My husband and I cuddle before putting LO down when I cosleep, can you do this?

 

[liwinedivas]

@horsefeathers8899 We just did this last night and it was a delight he wasn’t as sad when I kicked him out lol

 

[horsefeathers8899]

@liwinedivas That’s great!!

 

[misssunshinee]

@liwinedivas My husband has been sleeping apart from baby and me since shortly after baby was born and our spare room bed is uncomfortable.He tried to do weekends with us because he wanted a more comfortable sleep and missed me and honestly I (lovingly) kicked him out back to the spare room.

To me there is no point in us both being tired and sleep deprived. When he gets a full night sleep our lives are better. I explained to him that it’s not that I don’t miss his and want us to be together, I’m sorry that the other room uncomfortable, and emphasized that this is such a short span of time in our lives in the grand scheme of things.

I also would recommend maybe not actually telling him too harshly that his attitude sucks so it doesn’t feel like an attack. Make it more about yourself (think I feel sentences) and just explain that you feel more supported and better connnected to him when he’s well rested and that it’s better for your relationship right now to have that than to share a bed. Again it’s not a forever thing, just a for a little longer! You will get your space and relationship norms back in time.

 

[liwinedivas]

@misssunshinee 100% agree about not having both parents sleep deprived. I’m lucky that I don’t mind the guest bed at all haha

 

[eleventhhourworker6]

@liwinedivas No thanks, rude grumpy husbands are not a thing I put up with. My compromise is I sleep with you until first wake up, then I turn the monitor off and sleep with our kiddo the rest of the night. Everyone is happier this way. Maybe this would help you two out as well.

 

[liwinedivas]

@eleventhhourworker6 I might give this a go. I just need to figure out how to keep the spare room’s sheets from being ice cold when I get in haha

 

[zyon1]

@eleventhhourworker6 This is our set up too! Best of both worlds.

 

[christ4ever777]

@liwinedivas Goddddd I could’ve written this myself. Except we haven’t tried to weekend sleep yet. But, historically, he’s grumpy mcgrumperson when he doesn’t sleep. So I’m not even willing to broach it.

 

[liwinedivas]

@christ4ever777 Right?! I don’t think they realize how much more challenging it is to see someone grumpy about sleep when we’ve been doing this shit for months on end. And somehow we still function just fine lol

 

[christ4ever777]

@liwinedivas It makes me feel even worse. Like you say you want me to ask for help so when I do and then you’re grumpy, I feel like I CANT actually ask for help because I’m not only struggling to ask for help WHILE struggling, but I’m also carrying the burden of trying to manage your emotions (this is on me, it’s a huge fault) and would just rather suffer in silence and you be happy.