Hunt, gather, parent

[joshdons]

I’m currently reading Michaeleen Doucleff’s book Hunt, Gather, Parent. I’m trying to turn off the part of my brain that has a degree in anthropology.* But as a parenting guidebook it’s got very practical advice and interesting real world examples from the author’s own life and the families she visits.

Has anyone read this and have real life experience with it being effective (more effective than other parenting books)? I ask because while I think it has great strategies, there are a lot of societal factors that just feel out of my control—no way would I be able to get my son’s grandparents to stop praising every little thing he does; praise really is all around us! And while I want my kids to be as autonomous as possible I feel like the world I inhabit doesn’t make it easy. When he’s older (he’s still a baby!) I’d love to let him play with other kids outside unsupervised but we live somewhere with SUVs everywhere and infrastructure that puts pedestrian safety last; also someone might call CPS on me! Obviously it’s not all or nothing, but I’m interested in how well the book’s strategies have worked for people (who live in North America specifically).

• There are lots of issues, but I suspect a lot of this is the fault of editors trying to simplify and sell the book; one that is really grating is how she often treats parenting cultures as monolithic, e.g. she goes on about the “western” way to parent—but much of the “ancient wisdom” she encounters is very similar to Montessori methods, gentle parenting, etc. etc. just in different configurations and different cultural contexts. It’s like she’s trying to sell methods associated with crunchy granola moms to Silicon Valley tech bros or something by rebranding them as like… paleo parenting!

 

[redeemed121]

@joshdons One of the things I changed after reading this book is moving away from "entertaining" my child while they're awake and instead just involve them in my every day life. Instead of trying to entertain him with something for long enough so I can do the laundry, I bring him with me. "It's time to put the wash into the dryer!" He loves smacking his palms on the dryer door. And since I'm getting the things done that I need to while he's awake, I don't feel this desperate need to scramble around while he's sleeping to get a bunch of stuff done. (We contact nap anyway so it's more of a paralyzing dread of thinking about all the things I need to be doing other than a contact nap.) Now i rest when he rests. I read a book, or watch a youtube video, or just sit on my phone if i feel like it. When he wakes up, we continue to do chores/life together. It does make some chores more challenging, especially when he only wants to be held and isn't content to crawl around on the floor at my feet, but we make it work.

I've also stopped following him around the room as he explores "dont touch that! Oh let's not play with that!" But I also wouldn't say I've technically "baby proofed" my house either. Obviously theres nothing dangerous out that could hurt him. But if he wants to pull books off the shelf, does it really matter if a couple pages get bent? Or if he wants to chew on my shoes, or pull all the pots and pans out of the cabinet, or whatever it is. Does it REALLY matter?? No, not really. Especially when you consider the exploration he's doing and the new things he's discovering that he's literally never experienced before. It doesn't really matter.

 

[blazer70x7]

@redeemed121 100% this! I involve my 21 month old in most chores! I do the bathroom while he’s sleeping because bleach and toddlers don’t mix but he everything with me and loves to be helpful! He’s learnt so much, he can actually wash dishes to sn acceptable standard (though I do go over them), he’s almost learnt to separate darks, whites and colours for laundry, he helps with making all our meals and does age appropriate tasks. It’s one improved the volume of tantrums soooo much! That was something that I’ve found shocking but he barely has them now he’s so involved and somewhat independent and two he cleans up after himself!! He puts his cup in the sink, any rubbish in the bin and what blew my mind the other day is he took his plate from the table, scraped his leftovers into the bin then put the plate into the sink told his dad that he could learn a thing or two from his one year old he does make a mess when cleaning dishes (water all over) and when he’s helping prepare meals the kitchen is a complete state afterwards and chores now take 10 times longer but he is sooooo much happier being involved!!

 

[hail12]

@blazer70x7 Good job! My baby's only 4 months but this is the goal

 

[blazer70x7]

@hail12 It’s definitely just modelling what he sees, I know I’m getting him involved but I’m surprised at how much he picks up! Just stuff you do out of habit you wouldn’t even think is a thing then you see him do it and you’re like omg he’s picked that up lol

 

[jeanettelindsay]

@hail12 Same here!!!

 

[anthonycon3131]

@blazer70x7 Wow that’s great. How does he reach the table to get the dishes and the sink to put them in?

 

[blazer70x7]

@anthonycon3131 Tbh he’s an awful eater and we’ve tried everything to get him to eat. Our biggest success is all sitting round his toddler table he sits on his chair and me and my OH sit on the floor the things you do for you kid eh

 

[kc8vji]

@anthonycon3131 This is always my question, do you just need steps everywhere so they can reach stuff?!

Also don’t fancy my toddler anywhere near the washing up pile of doom…

 

[lizhoney]

@kc8vji You could get a kitchen helper/toddler tower and move it around wherever you want it’s just steps and a platform that is enclosed so they can’t fall out

 

[kc8vji]

@lizhoney Yeah we have one, but the toddler can’t move it (well) and the way they have said it sounds like it js all much more independent than that??

 

[nayse]

@kc8vji We have a kitchen tower that she moves around. We also have bar stool type of chairs she sits in to stir stuff on the stove.
I agree with the above comment on tantrums. She'd have an absolute fit sometimes when we'd make dinner. Now, she's excited and happy.

 

[blazer70x7]

@anthonycon3131 So we sit at his toddler table as we’ve found that’s best and he eats more so we both sit on the floor and he sits on a little chair and we eat round his table together (we do anything to get him to eat these days ). He’s 98th centile for height so he’s very tall for his age so he can reach the sink and drops his plate in there, his stuff is all plastic so can be dropped into the sink. He does try and be helpful and he once noticed I forgot my glass and he put that in the sink thankfully it smashed in the sink and no glass touched him but I now have to double check I’ve got everything breakable so he doesn’t try to help me out with it

 

[nayse]

@redeemed121 Same with us! I never did chores during her naps, only with her, and she's allowed to touch everything that isn't dangerous (everything but knives and the fireplace). The only baby proofing we did were drawers with knives and shutting doors so she doesn't just fall down the basement stairs onto concrete. Everything else is what it is. She can explore and we just go about our day.

We do chores together and she's been wanting to stir things on the stove or when I'm baking, which can be a pain, but way easier and more fun than just telling her no constantly. I was thinking I was a bad mom, but after reading reviews of this book I'm feeling so much better and she's the happiest kid, ever, as long as she's fed. When it's nicer out she will be able to play outside with minimal supervision once I teach her not to run onto the road or into the pond. She will be probably around 20/21 months when we can play outside freely.

Everything I'm doing just makes sense for myself and her. I've just been following my intuition on things, which may be really lax in some areas and strict in others.

 

[mynamestartswithj]

@joshdons One thing I changed about my parenting was less “hovering” at baby and toddler groups. I take my 18 month old, plop him down with some toys, sit on the side and have a cup of coffee and a rest for an hour. I realized he’s fully happy observing other kids and playing by himself, not needing my constant stimulation, questions, engagement. It’s made me feel more refreshed having this “break” time too.

Overall though I found the book very simplistic and not genuinely reflective of parenting practices in the cultures she visited. A case of cherry-picking a few observations from other cultures and trying to package lessons for American parents.

In the book, though, she cites a textbook called “The Anthropology of Childhood” which I read next and it is fascinating and 100% worth the read. It gives the whole perspective on each of the cultures she visited, and has less preachy lessons and more facts. That has changed my parenting (and thoughts on schooling) more than any book I’ve read.

 

[joshdons]

@mynamestartswithj Yes I definitely want to read that book! Also there’s one she mentioned about the history of parenting guides dating back to 19th century orphanages that sounded so interesting (I’m listening to the audiobook and the one downside to this is not being able to look up these references easily when I inevitably forget the titles…)

 

[the_precious_one]

@joshdons Have you read “Our Babies, Ourselves”? If not, you might enjoy it!

 

[joshdons]

@the_precious_one Thanks, I’ll check it out!

 

[brione]

@mynamestartswithj Anthropology of childhood is so good! If you liked it I cannot recommend Sarah Hrdy's "Mother, Nature" enough. It's so good.

 

[dinkold]

@joshdons I read the book while pregnant, but still fell into the norm of “entertaining” the baby instead of just letting him explore at his own pace. It was also really hard to not overpraise. Going to the playground with a bunch of toddler parents really made me realize how much Americans praise the same way.

Like another commenter said, we involve toddler in chores and running errands. If you really want to see some high level errand running check out “Old Enough” on Netflix. It’ll give you a better idea of what toddlers are capable of in a culture that prepares them for running errands on their own.

At home we give toddler small errands (put these socks in the laundry basket) but I was just thinking today that we need to start working on bigger errands. I’m thinking of starting something regular with our neighbors (take this box to the neighbor). Luckily we live in a cul de sac so it’s not a lot of traffic.

I also really like the part about Modeling Behavior and practicing behavior. My son randomly started shoving kids at daycare one day and we spent the weekend role playing with stuffed animals and being extra attentive to what we say when the dogs are in our way. Haven’t had any issues with shoving since then.

At some point I also stopped narrating my day to my LO. I think I narrated for the first few months and honestly it was just exhausting to me. We still read books and talk, but it’s not a constant stream of consciousness. Better for my mental health and my LO is doing average with speech.