How to support a gifted child?

[ghostwriter323]

@aegisheart I was sent to school a year early and it was not a good idea.

Make sure your kid can enjoy being alive, that's most important. Take special care for emotional support, here he is still the little kid. Don't let his abilities trick you into treating him as much older than he actually is.

Don't force him to do sth he doesn't like, let him choose.

Offer inspiring things, maybe chess, get him into reading/ exploring by himself. He needs to learn how to enjoy himself y

 

[aegisheart]

@ghostwriter323 Seems like going to school early isn't usually the best. We'll bring that up when the decision needs to be made.

We play a lot of games but not chess. I suck at both chess and checkers, so maybe that's a good idea, as the playing field will be even.

 

[navysteel]

@aegisheart I tested as gifted as a child, and as an adult (less than a year ago actually) we figured out I've always had ADHD as well. Being twice exceptional can have a lot of challenges, and it's extremely common for one part of it or the other to be overlooked, so it's great that you're so on top of this and advocating for your son.

For me, based on abilities with schoolwork, I could have easily skipped a grade or two. I'm glad my mom opted not to though, because socially and emotionally, I was slightly behind my peers as is, and looking back I think that was at least partly due to the ADHD.

Maybe look into alternate options for schooling, like charter schools, or some sort of home schooling or tutoring program. Just make sure he gets plenty of social interaction from other sources to make up for it.

Side note, I've never found any medical or otherwise scientific explanation for it, but I am also highly sensitive in many ways. The emotional sensitivity is probably mostly due to the ADHD. However, i am also sensitive to light, sound, tastes, touch, etc. Trying to search for anything about this just leads to a bunch of stuff about "highly sensitive people," which seems to mostly be about the emotional and empathetic side of things.

If what you're seeing continues to be a trend, based on my experience, here's a few things to just keep eye out for:
- rejection sensitivity disphoria; not in the DSM yet, but a recognized collection of symptoms commonly found in those with ADHD
- nose picking/bleeding; that sensitivity to touch includes being able to feel anytime there is the slightest little thing in my nose, so I got a lot of nose bleeds as a kid.
- picky eating; I'm sensitive to strong smells and flavors, so my palate was very limited as a kid. I've partly grown out of it, but only after years of work at finding different ways to prepare things so I can tolerate them. (For example, I can only do cooked tomatoes. They can be in big chunks or slices, but they have to be softened and sweetened by cooking.)
- the combination of ADHD making it hard to form habits and a sensitive gag reflex made brushing my teeth regularly difficult. I still struggle with it as an adult. Finding a more mild toothpaste flavor that I like helped some (Hello brand blue raspberry).
- DSPD, Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Common among ADHD folks, more likely to show up in the teen years, and some people grow out of it, but not all do. I have had it since early childhood and it persisted to adulthood.
- Wonky sleep schedules also make other daily time-based habits, like tooth brushing difficult. I find I do better linking habitual actions to necessary actions rather than times of day. E.g. taking meds upon waking up and right before going to sleep, and brushing my teeth every time I go to the bathroom.

Here's hoping at least some of the stuff people have offered up in this thread will be helpful. Good luck!

 

[euthymios]

@aegisheart I was a gifted child and I’ve been objectively a rather successful in my career endeavours at a young age. Frankly, I think I flourished because my parents didn’t really know what to do with me, so I was left to explore the world on my own.

The advice I would give from my experience, and what I would follow if my child turns out to be gifted, is to follow his lead on his interests and provide him with emotional support. My parents used me as a performing monkey and acted as though my achievements were demonstrative of their good parenting. That has made me into the anxious perfectionist that I am today. Gentler, more involved parenting is what I believe would have been best.

 

[aegisheart]

@euthymios I'm glad you were able to capitalize on your giftedness. We'd like the same for our son but we also decided for ourselves that we don't care about careers as much as spending time as a family. So whatever he does is fine but success would be nice.
Anxiety, perfectionism, depression, and burnout are the main things we'd like to avoid.

 

[pears90]

@aegisheart Former gifted kid. I'm on the "neurosurgeon" end of the career spectrum, in my late 30s with a family, and happy. Honestly I didn't realize all the ways my parents could have screwed this up until I got older, so they must have done something right.

Some things other comments haven't addressed yet:

• Perfectionism: now that I have kids I'm convinced this is hard-wired. It sounds like you have a great attitude (my mom used to cheer me on when I made mistakes apparently ), just don't feel discouraged or to blame if your kid continues to struggle with this for years. I still struggle with this. As an adult it's helped me to frame the problem as "spending too much time polishing something keeps me from making real progress in areas I care about," but I don't think a 3 year old is ready for that
• Autism/ADHD: there's zero chance I would have been diagnosed with either of these in the 90's, and I might not meet all the criteria even now, but as an adult there are aspects of both that I relate to really strongly. This stuff is a spectrum, and your kid's brain works differently than other brains. I think you're taking the right approach - read and learn about these conditions, apply the advice that feels right for your kid, continue to advocate in areas where they need support.
• You're not going to be able to avoid the "gifted" label especially as he gets older. Please don't let the label or obnoxious parents stop you from enrolling your kid in gifted programs. Some of my best memories growing up were doing these programs. I loved the academic challenge and I think that being around other smart kids kept me from feeling too singled out as "exceptional." (My parents' take on the whole thing was that being smart is great, but it doesn't mean much if you don't work hard. A lot of other comments have addressed this I think.)

 

[katrina2017]

@pears90 I’m going to add on to your comment bc I experienced some of the same things as a “gifted” kid. I also have ADHD characteristics, and in fact was officially diagnosed at age 30, even though it wasn’t really a problem in school bc I enjoyed class and would actively participate. I’m not even sure what would’ve needed to change, maybe a little better understanding of how to focus when I’m not interested or how to regulate emotions. I don’t think I needed medication.

I hate the gifted label. It is isolating, it sets high expectations, and it warps your perception of other people (sometimes). You think, they’re not gifted so they must not have anything useful to tell me. I did like being in classes with other smart kids bc they made me feel average (which I needed at the time!) but it was also sometimes very competitive. A lot of gifted kids have very involved parents - I didn’t, so I didn’t have the same opportunities, tutors, summer camps, homework help. Yes, they worked very hard but someone opened a door for them. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, bc I’m very self-reliant now.

I don’t think you’re going to screw this up OP, just keep checking in with your son and adjust if it doesn’t work. I’ve always heard early entry was undesirable, but this study seems to suggest the effects are small, if any: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2140009/ I would discuss this more with your son's teachers, psychiatrist, anyone with the ability to make educated recommendations.

 

[dgw1982]

@aegisheart Context: My son is turning 4 in a few weeks and started junior kindergarten this past September. He was a preemie and is small for his age but kids in Canada start the year they turn 4.

He walked into junior kindergarten being able to read fluently and likely somewhere in grade 2 for math. He is a vocabulary that matches how adults speak.

There is a lack of support for parents with kids in this age group that are ahead. I don’t talk about my son in real life because it immediately comes off as bragging.

Here are some of the ways we support him:

Whatever he’s interested in, we do a deep dive into the subject matter. Toys don’t have age limits in my opinion with appropriate supervision. He’s currently playing with snap circuits (a toy for kids 8 years and older).

Perfectionism is a huge issue and we’re practicing making mistakes because that’s how people learn. I was told nothing combats perfectionism like learning a musical instrument or doing a sport. So piano lessons are lined up for the new year as is indoor soccer.

We are keen to keep him with kids his age for as long as possible (but acknowledge that might not be the best strategy).

We picked a school that 1) acknowledged that he’s ahead for his age and 2) was willing to accelerate in the areas he’s mastered.

It’s a private school with 10 kids in his class (2 teachers in the room). I know this isn’t an option for everyone.

Here’s what what the program looks like:

He’s in a full day play-based kindergarten program (everyone is 3-4 years old). Every day there is 2 hours of outdoor play in an outdoor classroom (sandbox, jungle gym, slides, outdoor toys), physical education in the gym (30 minutes), 30 minutes of French (mostly games and songs with the French teacher) and music instruction (exploring different instruments, listening to music and singing).

There isn’t a lot of time to get bored.

To support his reading in class, the teachers brought some grade 1/2 books to the class, encourage him to read the daily schedule to the class every morning and paired him with a reading buddy (typically for grade 1/2 kids where they read a short story to a kid in an upper grade and then the older kid reads them a story).

We are planning what grade 1 and beyond will look like as there will be a transition from play-based to a more structured academic program.

I think the most important part is having a school that is willing to work with you. When looking for a school, there was a lot of “we don’t do that here” or “he’s ahead, what are you worried about”

 

[brodon]

@aegisheart Forgot to add (and can't find my post to edit it now, lol adhd gifted autistic):

While I was the active, temperamental, verbal, off the charts kid my son, almost 10, was the peaceful and mellow kid in the corner doing advanced puzzles for fun. He's quiet and easygoing (his big sibling is the rollercoaster, never sleeping, high energy type)

I grew up in the US but now live in Germany where the emphasis is not on advanced students but social cohesion. My son is very shy and sensitive, but has been encouraged to find friends. He's now in the 4th grade and class spokesperson! The kids stay together in the same class from 1-4th grades and this makes a huge difference. There is focus on conflict resolution and respect for difference, including learning speed. His school and especially his teacher make these things their priority.

I can see my deceased dad who was likely autistic in my boy. But my dad was punished and shamed and abused in his Catholic schools of the 1950s and 1960s. My son is allowed to be himself.

I think setting and values make a huge difference.

 

[aegisheart]

@brodon Would you mind telling me more about what your experiences in Germany are? That's where we're from but we both had some not so positive experiences with the system and how rigid it can be.

 

[brodon]

@aegisheart The system is indeed rigid and very classist. Just the fact that kids are tracked in the 4th grade is horrifying to me. I deliberately did not send my sensitive, temperamental older child to "Gymnasium" for this and other reasons.

The elitism is around class and ethnicity here; in the US the focus is on "gifted" and "exceptional" while being classist and racist too.

And don't get me started on private schools! Not a good idea, here or there!

We're lucky to both be highly educated and thus privileged as well as critical of that privilege. We live in a very diverse neighborhood in a very diverse small city and the school has worked hard to be inclusive and supportive. We're very lucky. My older kid was dismissed and the bullying they faced ignored at the same school with a different principal and an older teacher. My son is very, very lucky with his teacher and his class.

Also the "class system" where kids stay together and stick up for each other is much better than changing groups of kids every year. Having a teacher who really knows their kids year after year is a huge plus. Also mixing kids like my son with kids who can barely read does not drag my son down, but lifts the others up. He says, for example, that he enjoys helping kids who are learning German. He can thrive and develop compassion and other skills that he wouldn't have in a more homogeneous, elitist environment.

Honestly my biggest problem in Germany is with the unconscious bias and elitism in the educational system. I'm white and my kids are well spoken and well behaved so they do get treated better than, for example, friends whose parents (the kids' grandparents) were from Turkey. There are still no male teachers or teachers with a non German family background.

I also teach future English teachers and see a lot of their unquestioned bias towards "good" kids.

I think it comes down to consciously deciding if you want to push your kid to be a "high achiever" or want to make sure they learn other skills that might not come as easily. High achievers and the myth around "gifted" (which I am not even sure is actually a thing!) serves self-optimization and ultimately capitalism. Our children, however will need different skills given what's happening in the world, and social and emotional intelligence are far more important than performance, optimizing profits, competition, and the like.

 

[wiloftcnc]

@aegisheart My nephew is gifted and in Mensa. He was pulled from traditional schooling in first grade because he would argue with the teachers about facts and would get very frustrated he was asked to do work/tests that he had already mastered. Over the years his parents graduated to the unschooling method. They bring a binder of stuff each year to the school district so he can “pass” that years requirements but there’s zero formal education going on. If he asks a question about trains, dinosaurs, or physics, that’s the parents queue to get him in Google and “teach him how to get the answers to his questions”. That’s his only form of education. This works to some degree bc of his giftedness. He’s always curious. He’s always learning something. The problem is two fold:
1. At 16, they are looking to have him take the GED so they can stop with the yearly check ins and he is failing every practice test. He has zero studying skills and zero desire to persist/stick with something he doesn’t have natural interest in. How will that translate to a job or personal accountability or caring for a family?
2. His siblings are suffering for it. His siblings are not gifted. They have been given the same freedom to learn like he did but they aren’t like him. He has a 6 year old brother that most of us can’t understand when he talks. The 10 year old sister has terrible social skills and only likes things that are games; puzzles, soccer, coloring. I just bring this part up bc they only lost faith in the school system after having a gifted kid. Both parents are college educated and one is an attorney

I know this sounds more like a response about home schooling but I bring it up because of what I mentioned above. They never expected to home school but bc of the challenges they faced with his giftedness they felt the need to go that route.

Based on your post, I think you’ll do great. You seem to care a lot and have a good grasp of the pros and cons here. My main advice is to not get frustrated. Even in schools where he will be moved to higher education subjects or given permission to skip grades, it will likely be frustrating for all of you. Good luck! You’re doing great already

 

[regondifan]

@wiloftcnc Kind of unrelated to this topic but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how a lot of the “trendy” parenting styles come down to “I don’t have to do this normal stuff for my kid.” Don’t get me wrong, some of it is good. Kids having a fair bit of undisturbed, unstructured play is wonderful, so is teaching independence etc. but the extremes of these really do look like privileged people finding an excuse to be lazy.

 

[wiloftcnc]

@regondifan I’ll never know what’s truly going on inside my bil and sil’s mind, maybe there’s more to this we don’t know, but I agree with you 100%. It’s laziness. And also a stubbornness to admit they tried something and it didn’t work out. Instead of righting the ship they are sailing further and further into the storm. I do think it’s in part to be trendy or to stick it to authority. I just feel bad for the kids . He’s brainwashed into thinking school is evil but has said many times he wishes he had friends or that he’s nervous he won’t get hired if he applies at XYZ place.

 

[lordslight]

@aegisheart This might be a bit farther out, but I really connected with the book “Grit: The power of passion and perseverance” by Angela Duckworth. She talks to people who are the top of their fields and about the psychology they were raised with. It is really about cultivating a sense of persistence by praising not the achievement but the work that went into something. Read your #1 and made me think, instead of specifically putting your kid into situations that will frustrate him, maybe when he does something amazing start praising the effort he put in instead of the end result. I don’t know how this strategy works with neurodivergent. Just a thought, best of luck! Sounds like you are doing a great job and are a wonderful loving mother!

 

[brett_83]

@aegisheart First, I think some people here are projecting. We know a lot more about things like autism today than we did when they were kids, and so it easy for them to be concerned about a missed diagnosis. My oldest is autistic, and we missed it until she was five, I think, but she was diagnosed with ADHD when she four. So we knew she wasn't neurotypical, but it was easy to see the autistic symptoms as ADHD symptoms. We did have to take her to the nearest metro city to get a real evaluation done. But she was definitely hyperlexic, started reading at around 2 years old... like actual reading, not just looking at pictures. Now she's nine and is at a ninth grade reading level.

But if your kid has been screened by professionals using modern screening tools and diagnostic criteria, I wouldn't worry too about it. I think you can be too "subtle" about things like autism, because truth be told we are all a "little bit autistic" as in we all experience the symptoms to some degree. And at the toddler age, it's even easier to read into behaviors that are normal for that age. A lot of autism is really just aspects of a child or adult just don't mature and develop past the toddler stage.

Okay, second, I kind of agree with others that don't like the term gifted. I think this is a concept that was made too much of in the past. Here's my take: it's not about what you need to do, it's about what you need to be avoid doing. You can no longer use age as a benchmark. You can't just buy books for toddlers, and thinking that's appropriate. But I think this also means you shouldn't be doing a lot of testing to find out his reading level, and making him read those to "challenge" him. I tried looking for books at my daughter's lexile level, but just because she can read them doesn't mean she's going to like them.

The main challenge is that schools, and society in general, likes to age group children, and that just doesn't work for gifted kids. (They should socialize with whatever age level they are most comfortable with. The problem is that age-group isn't the same as skill-group). Look at the education standards, and just look at what your kid has mastered, what is next on that list. That's really what "differentiation" should be about. They should be teaching your kid what he doesn't already know. Shouldn't be any more complicated than that. If that means algebra in third grade, so be it. But not until your kid has mastered fractions. Education isn't about ability, it is about skill.

Also, IQ tests aren't objective. They just aren't. I used to think they were, it makes sense that they would be. But the result depends on what test they use and how they conduct the test.

 

[starfaux]

@aegisheart Try to think of it this way, maybe he’s advanced academically and knows everything they’re about to teach him but if he can’t keep up emotionally, then he’s in the same position as a child who is mature,l socially but not familiar with any other topics being taught. As a parent, I want to raise well-rounded children. I guess it depends on your goals. I am confident my toddler is very bright, when I check out milestones, he is hitting most of the grade school stuff at age 3. He also is very sensitive and has meltdowns most days, there’s no way I would move him up a grade even though his memory is amazing and he grasps any concept because he’s not ready maturity wise. I think this is up to each parent, but kids who advance very fast often struggle, even more with their peers. You would be reinforcing even more the quicker you move him along in school. Yes, I want my children to be intelligent but it’s a marathon, not a sprint. I just as much want him to walk in a room of people and feel confident and happy when interacting with others. For now, I would keep trying to advance his education at home, but wait until he’s school age for them to tell you he needs to be moved along faster.

 

[lordybee]

@aegisheart My best friend has a gifted child. She was on the fence about skipping grades because her son was terribly bored in kindergarten. Her solution was to put him in a mixed-grade 1st/2nd grade class. At the end of that school year, they (parents and teachers) did decide going to 3rd grade was the most appropriate choice for him, but he had some friends there and some time to socially adjust.

 

[atthesea]

@lordybee Mixed grade classes are great.

I had them for all of elementary school except for 4th grade. As someone with ADHD and was generally well ahead of my grade(although not put in higher grades), it not only helped me be less bored but also enabled me to have a consistent relationship with a teacher who could then best support and understand me.

AZ generally doesn't have a good education system, but while not perfect, my elementary school experience was ultimately really solid and I attribute that mostly to being in those classes instead of the others.

 

[atodestroxia]

@aegisheart So some of the good news is that your child's energy is likely an outcome of having such a strong ability to learn. This article shows the evolutionary reasons children and adults have different energy levels. I have one of those types of kids as well, although I would say he's less interested in what we consider traditional markers of intelligence and more interested in learning through play. We are working with his teachers and doctors to see if he may have ADD or ADHD, but other than our lack of sleep there's nothing to really fix with this issue (averages 8hrs of sleep a day and needs to be forced to take a 1 he quiet time per day).

As for some of the other questions you have about boredom and the cost v benefits of skipping grades I would tend to agree with some of the other parents. "Othering" a child even for good reasons can cause all kids of social barriers. this link explores the relationship between labeling TAG and SPED students on their self esteem. At such a young age, especially knowing he has certain regulation issues I would tend to agree that kinder/1st grade is probably to early to bump up.

And just as a personal anecdote, I used to work as an outdoor educator/PE teacher at a TAG focused middle school. The experience really shed a light on how versatile the label is. There was a clear difference between the kids that thrived and the kids that were struggling (usually socially, emotionally or with their school work). The kids that did well all had an outlet outside of school. Personally I think it gave them more opportunities for the things TAG kids often struggle with. More opportunities to fail gives more opportunities to learn to work through it. More social time gives a kid more time to learn how to work and communicate with their peers, etc. Etc. Virtually all of them had some athletic outlet to help them through. One of our students struggled more than others when he started (5th grade), he was one of our few students that wasn't engaged in an after school sport, and we floated that as a way to help him in some of the social and emotional ways he struggled. It definitely helped he was in a group of peers that had similar experiences to himself. So in my opinion middle school is a good place to start exploring the ways a TAG student might benefit from an alternative education.

But I also want to add that some of the kids that shined the brightest, were just plain overworked. Some kids were so talented, hardworking, and social that their parents would sign them up for literally everything. I can remember talking to two of these kids after a field trip to a gymnasium. They were chugging water and eating cuties while complaining that they had a sport and a musical instrument practice after school and just felt too tired to do it. I told them, it's okay to say I'm too tired every once in a while and their parents weren't too happy with me for saying that. One of the students developed an eating disorder and I think that was her way of managing control. I guess I'm just trying to say that there are lots of ways to mess up with TAG kids, but I think focusing on supporting their emotional and social health is where you're going to find the biggest rewards in how to treat your child different. All the other things can be done with you at home.