@kaykay8 This is so crazy. My son is autistic - he def has a developmental delay (I think) and is not really verbal BUT the sensory issues, the hyperlexia, the close attention to all things academic. He may not be able to speak but I wouldn’t be surprised if he cured cancer someday. I really wish someone could study this and tell me what to do.
How to support a gifted child?
- Thread starter aegisheart
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aegisheart
New member
@kaykay8 There is so much overlap between giftedness and ADHD that sometimes I feel like it's a coin toss. Funnily enough, both myself and my husband have been seeing therapists for a long time and were diagnosed with things but neither autism, nor ADHD (nor giftedness).
Oof, routine is so hard with willful toddlers. The point you bring up with talking through steps is brilliant. I think that might really help.
This is the second time I hear martial arts being good for neurodivergent people. Maybe when he's a bit older we'll pursue that. So far he's been pretty happy with his gym class and coaches, so we don't want to necessarily switch until he grows out of it.
Oof, routine is so hard with willful toddlers. The point you bring up with talking through steps is brilliant. I think that might really help.
This is the second time I hear martial arts being good for neurodivergent people. Maybe when he's a bit older we'll pursue that. So far he's been pretty happy with his gym class and coaches, so we don't want to necessarily switch until he grows out of it.
@aegisheart My kids now are 2, 4, and 6 - they all start at about 3ish, which is why I mentioned it 
@aegisheart This was me
I was only diagnosed as autistic last year at age 48.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at ages 4, 28, and again last year at age 48. I'm finally on ADHD medication and finally able to regulate my emotions for the first time in my life.
I was subjected to numerous tests in kindergarten and 1st grade and labeled "highly gifted."
Now after the longest autistic burnout of my life, I regularly experience mutism and am currently on long term medical leave from work.
I'm currently in a clinic for trauma and burnout and doing a lot of reflection.
Things I wish my parents had done:
1) supported me as who I was, instead of trying to change my "sensitivity." Modeled emotional intelligence after educating themselves on this topic (they were not emotionally prepared or tuned in to themselves). Helped me understand that others may have different or less intense feelings.
2) Understanding I wasn't being "difficult", "perverse" (my mom's worst word for me), " a drama queen." My "tantrums" (another hated word) were likely meltdowns. I spent ages 11-20 dissociated and in shutdown mode and developed an eating disorder, sex/love addiction, and a unhealthy attitude towards work and physical activity as a direct result of trauma.
3) let me change schools when I was getting bullied and got me help with conflicts and social stuff in school. If the adhd medication I now take had been available, it would have helped me with the emotional stuff.
4) NOT put me in the gifted and talented program, as they recruited kids from the whole district, leaving me alone and floundering in middle school.
5) NOT "given up on me." (My mom's words)
6) some kind of sport that didn't involve balls, running, or mean coaches or pressure.
I understand society wasn't that far along and I am one of the lost generations, but I have a lot of grief around this. Probably the research that's being done now would have saved me from constant burnout over the course of my life.
Positive aspects:
1) I think more quickly than most people I know (except my younger kid who's being assessed for autism (at age 10) abs can grasp complex topics, process information, think laterally, and analyze ideas easily and at speed. BUT I need motivation and distraction, including opportunities to multitask.
2) as I found out in my assessment, my adhd and autism actually work together at times to give me useful skills like working extremely quickly and accurately
3) I'm extremely empathetic. This can be difficult at times but if I am calm and feeling safe I can really feel for and with others. I may not show it but it's there and I've had meaningful connections with people in my life.
4) the social justice aspect. I'm extremely aware of unfair and unjust situations, again, perhaps to a fault, but I can smell a rat long before others do. My son is like this too.
5) my intuition is incredibly strong, when I trust myself and am able to communicate effectively.
Hope this helps - you sound like great parents and your kid is lucky to have you! Remember that's a hard age too.
I was only diagnosed as autistic last year at age 48.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at ages 4, 28, and again last year at age 48. I'm finally on ADHD medication and finally able to regulate my emotions for the first time in my life.
I was subjected to numerous tests in kindergarten and 1st grade and labeled "highly gifted."
Now after the longest autistic burnout of my life, I regularly experience mutism and am currently on long term medical leave from work.
I'm currently in a clinic for trauma and burnout and doing a lot of reflection.
Things I wish my parents had done:
1) supported me as who I was, instead of trying to change my "sensitivity." Modeled emotional intelligence after educating themselves on this topic (they were not emotionally prepared or tuned in to themselves). Helped me understand that others may have different or less intense feelings.
2) Understanding I wasn't being "difficult", "perverse" (my mom's worst word for me), " a drama queen." My "tantrums" (another hated word) were likely meltdowns. I spent ages 11-20 dissociated and in shutdown mode and developed an eating disorder, sex/love addiction, and a unhealthy attitude towards work and physical activity as a direct result of trauma.
3) let me change schools when I was getting bullied and got me help with conflicts and social stuff in school. If the adhd medication I now take had been available, it would have helped me with the emotional stuff.
4) NOT put me in the gifted and talented program, as they recruited kids from the whole district, leaving me alone and floundering in middle school.
5) NOT "given up on me." (My mom's words)
6) some kind of sport that didn't involve balls, running, or mean coaches or pressure.
I understand society wasn't that far along and I am one of the lost generations, but I have a lot of grief around this. Probably the research that's being done now would have saved me from constant burnout over the course of my life.
Positive aspects:
1) I think more quickly than most people I know (except my younger kid who's being assessed for autism (at age 10) abs can grasp complex topics, process information, think laterally, and analyze ideas easily and at speed. BUT I need motivation and distraction, including opportunities to multitask.
2) as I found out in my assessment, my adhd and autism actually work together at times to give me useful skills like working extremely quickly and accurately
3) I'm extremely empathetic. This can be difficult at times but if I am calm and feeling safe I can really feel for and with others. I may not show it but it's there and I've had meaningful connections with people in my life.
4) the social justice aspect. I'm extremely aware of unfair and unjust situations, again, perhaps to a fault, but I can smell a rat long before others do. My son is like this too.
5) my intuition is incredibly strong, when I trust myself and am able to communicate effectively.
Hope this helps - you sound like great parents and your kid is lucky to have you! Remember that's a hard age too.
aegisheart
New member
@brodon First of all, wishing you all the best! I hope you can take the time off and recover. Burnout is a bitch.
In regards to your first point, can you explain what kind of support you would need? We're hoping to expose our son to situations he will face in life but also give him tools to deal with them. Talking about how people feel things differently is a very good point.
Ad 2) we've reframed tantrums as meltdowns but also he's 3, so tantrums are kind of expected, too. This isn't so much my issue, but my husband's. He's reading the comments here, too, but I'll point yours out to him.
3) we can't do without some MAJOR issues. We're bound by our district with little chance of change until high school. That's one of the reasons we worry when to send him there at all.
There's no way we can give up on him. I'm so sorry you were ever told that. No person should ever hear that.
6) he loves balls haha but yes, only kind coaches! That's so important. We've been thinking about signing him up for karate in a few years. Our friends have an autistic toddler and their social worker highly recommended that. It's a group activity but also independent. It requires you to sit calmly, focus and follow instructions. It also teaches assertiveness and self-defense, the latter being a nice plus.
You sound like an incredible and strong person, despite growing up when neurodivergence wasn't treated too kindly.
In regards to your first point, can you explain what kind of support you would need? We're hoping to expose our son to situations he will face in life but also give him tools to deal with them. Talking about how people feel things differently is a very good point.
Ad 2) we've reframed tantrums as meltdowns but also he's 3, so tantrums are kind of expected, too. This isn't so much my issue, but my husband's. He's reading the comments here, too, but I'll point yours out to him.
3) we can't do without some MAJOR issues. We're bound by our district with little chance of change until high school. That's one of the reasons we worry when to send him there at all.
There's no way we can give up on him. I'm so sorry you were ever told that. No person should ever hear that.
6) he loves balls haha but yes, only kind coaches! That's so important. We've been thinking about signing him up for karate in a few years. Our friends have an autistic toddler and their social worker highly recommended that. It's a group activity but also independent. It requires you to sit calmly, focus and follow instructions. It also teaches assertiveness and self-defense, the latter being a nice plus.
You sound like an incredible and strong person, despite growing up when neurodivergence wasn't treated too kindly.
@aegisheart I relate a lot to all the above points.
With my kids we try to bring awareness to what’s happening in our bodies and find healthy ways to express it. I’m a big fan of Dr Becky and themompsychologist on ig concerning navigating emotional intelligence.
I consciously provide sensory stimulation to our toddler to help him manage his energy better. With our middle schooler we talk a lot about recognizing overstimulation and then working it out or taking a break with Something That Feels Good. There are a million fidget toys in our house.
I was placed in a gifted program in first grade. My parents were told numerous times in elementary and middle school that I should skip a couple grades. I LOVED my elementary gifted program. It provided an outlet for me to delve into special interests and big, creative projects. I’m not a big fan of our daughters gifted program, as they just pull her out for an hour a week and it seems more like an interruption than a routine part of her education.
I never skipped grades, but I was always in honors and gifted level courses. In high school I passed the graduation tests in 10th grade and had the opportunity to graduate a couple years early, but I opted to stay with my peers and take electives as opposed to cramming my schedule with core classes to fulfill grad requirements early. If I didn’t have challenging classes to take, I may have opted to graduate early to move on.
With my kids we try to bring awareness to what’s happening in our bodies and find healthy ways to express it. I’m a big fan of Dr Becky and themompsychologist on ig concerning navigating emotional intelligence.
I consciously provide sensory stimulation to our toddler to help him manage his energy better. With our middle schooler we talk a lot about recognizing overstimulation and then working it out or taking a break with Something That Feels Good. There are a million fidget toys in our house.
I was placed in a gifted program in first grade. My parents were told numerous times in elementary and middle school that I should skip a couple grades. I LOVED my elementary gifted program. It provided an outlet for me to delve into special interests and big, creative projects. I’m not a big fan of our daughters gifted program, as they just pull her out for an hour a week and it seems more like an interruption than a routine part of her education.
I never skipped grades, but I was always in honors and gifted level courses. In high school I passed the graduation tests in 10th grade and had the opportunity to graduate a couple years early, but I opted to stay with my peers and take electives as opposed to cramming my schedule with core classes to fulfill grad requirements early. If I didn’t have challenging classes to take, I may have opted to graduate early to move on.
@aegisheart Thanks! Glad to be helpful.
I wish people had simply taught me about feelings. My mom modeled fake happiness (it was California, after all) and explosive anger. My feelings are so intense that I'm only now learning how to figure out what the tsunami in me is. My son sometimes gets sad, and I just hold him and let him talk if he needs it.
My older kid (13, non binary, likely ADHD) is more like your kid sounds, and we try to give them room for their feelings and not escalate their frequent meltdowns. I think we did some stuff wrong when they were littler; they didn't sleep and we were exhausted most of the time. They are still challenging, but lovely and fun.
My likely autistic son thrives in martial arts for exactly the reasons you mention. He also likes riding his bike and climbing and playing outside. When he's active outdoors, he has fewer accidents and injuries; I'm the same.
It's really hard to parent well when you're overwhelmed; I can feel compassion for my mom but am working actively to undo that trauma. Being honest with our kids and with ourselves seems crucial.
Good luck!
I wish people had simply taught me about feelings. My mom modeled fake happiness (it was California, after all) and explosive anger. My feelings are so intense that I'm only now learning how to figure out what the tsunami in me is. My son sometimes gets sad, and I just hold him and let him talk if he needs it.
My older kid (13, non binary, likely ADHD) is more like your kid sounds, and we try to give them room for their feelings and not escalate their frequent meltdowns. I think we did some stuff wrong when they were littler; they didn't sleep and we were exhausted most of the time. They are still challenging, but lovely and fun.
My likely autistic son thrives in martial arts for exactly the reasons you mention. He also likes riding his bike and climbing and playing outside. When he's active outdoors, he has fewer accidents and injuries; I'm the same.
It's really hard to parent well when you're overwhelmed; I can feel compassion for my mom but am working actively to undo that trauma. Being honest with our kids and with ourselves seems crucial.
Good luck!
@aegisheart Someone else already said it but I would not let him skip any grades just because he doesn't sound emotionally mature enough. Kindergarten/first grade should be able to give him harder school work while still in the classroom with his peers.
Just keep helping him with his strengths and weaknesses. You can help to teach him to read and do simple math before he starts school. You will also need to work on his emotional regulation and sensory issues. That's just normal three year old behavior. You can't treat him like he is five because developmentally, he is still three.
Just keep helping him with his strengths and weaknesses. You can help to teach him to read and do simple math before he starts school. You will also need to work on his emotional regulation and sensory issues. That's just normal three year old behavior. You can't treat him like he is five because developmentally, he is still three.
aegisheart
New member
@keekjaci There's a lot of consensus against skipping grades. We apparently need to meet with some government agency if he's gifted to get recommendations what to do but I'd rather have more than one opinion. I'd love some sources to back what people are saying because I tend to cave before doctors and experts (not to discredit your opinion; there doesn't seem to be that much research in this area).
It's so easy to forget he's 3. I'm going to have to have a long conversation about this with my husband.
It's so easy to forget he's 3. I'm going to have to have a long conversation about this with my husband.
@aegisheart https://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/skipping-a-grade-pros-and-cons/
I like this website on the subject. Basically what your kid will need is advanced classes while staying in the same grade. The issue is can the school district provide these acceleration classes? For example, give him chapter books instead of picture books. Or harder math problems. Special projects that require more research. Or can he sit in with the older kids in some classes and sit with his peers at lunch.
I like this website on the subject. Basically what your kid will need is advanced classes while staying in the same grade. The issue is can the school district provide these acceleration classes? For example, give him chapter books instead of picture books. Or harder math problems. Special projects that require more research. Or can he sit in with the older kids in some classes and sit with his peers at lunch.
@aegisheart I didn't see this mentioned so I'll add it: In addition to ADHD, it may be useful to eventually rule in/out Auditory Processing Disorder. APD is often misdiagnosed as ADHD and a few studies suggest it may co-occur with ADHD rather frequently. If I get the chance I'll come back and link to some sources I have saved.
Not specifically "gifted" related, but still potentially useful:
A.) Your Kids Table is a site by an OT who works with children who have "sensory needs," whether or not they have a diagnosis. Many excellent articles and strategies there for children who seek and/or avoid certain sensory input (e.g., noise).
B.) I've found the ADDitude Mag site incredibly helpful. ADHD can show up in different ways, and articles on this site have helped me understand ADHD's relationship to exaggerated emotions, rejection sensitive dysphoria, etc. Maybe not the most scientifically rigorous resource (though contributors are medical professionals), but it's intended for the public, not professionals.
Not specifically "gifted" related, but still potentially useful:
A.) Your Kids Table is a site by an OT who works with children who have "sensory needs," whether or not they have a diagnosis. Many excellent articles and strategies there for children who seek and/or avoid certain sensory input (e.g., noise).
B.) I've found the ADDitude Mag site incredibly helpful. ADHD can show up in different ways, and articles on this site have helped me understand ADHD's relationship to exaggerated emotions, rejection sensitive dysphoria, etc. Maybe not the most scientifically rigorous resource (though contributors are medical professionals), but it's intended for the public, not professionals.
aegisheart
New member
@jesus1983 I never heard of ADP, I'll look it up. Thank you! I'm also so grateful for the links. I've gotten a lot of personal accounts, for which I'm grateful, but having reading material is always great.
@aegisheart I wouldn’t send him to school early cos I don’t think having to sit still & focus is good for any 5 year old, no matter how academically smart they are. I’d probably start looking into skipping grades though, just knowing what’s allowed, what’s recommended, & what other people’s experiences have been.
fearlessfreep
New member
@seditthis This is good advice: check in with your local school district. At least where I am in the US, all three-year-olds are supposed to do a readiness screening. There are also very specific criteria and rules for when they can start school, let alone grade or subject acceleration.
aegisheart
New member
@seditthis Surprisingly, he can sit and concentrate for a good while, but at 5 they're so small. We have another few routine appointments relating to development ahead of us so we'll see what they bring.
@aegisheart ok! to be clear I’m not talking about what a child can do, but what it’s probably healthy to encourage/ push them to do. bc free play & big movement are both so important for general growth.
i was always superbored in school btw (well, after about 2nd grade)
i was always superbored in school btw (well, after about 2nd grade)
mrprolifik
New member
@aegisheart My husband and I were both “gifted” kids (though he is much more so than me) and struggled with different aspects. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of things well, including modeling that mistakes are okay. For my husband, he struggled a lot with the idea that his achievements were expected. I think he felt like an extension of his parents/their egos rather than an individual, and he rebelled hard against it. He’s now hypersensitive to people directing those kinds of comments (“Well of course she met X milestone early!”) at our daughter. For me, I struggled (still do) with substantial feelings of failure. Here’s a link to a NYT piece on overpraising (paywall removed). Essentially, focus on praising the process, not the result. Praising outcomes can make the child focus too much on that (“They like me because I’m smart, but what if I’m not smart at X”).
Anecdotally, I work in SPED, and I will say that I’ve noticed that a lot of the students who struggle with behavior early on also often seem more cognitively advanced. They grasp more complex situations without having the emotional bandwidth to manage their feelings about it. So working on emotional regulation skills (deep breathing, taking a break, asking for help) will also be useful. And as a plug for an emotional regulation tool that I love and think is super cute, Sesame Street has a free app for practicing different emotional regulation skills (Breathe, Think, Do)!
Anecdotally, I work in SPED, and I will say that I’ve noticed that a lot of the students who struggle with behavior early on also often seem more cognitively advanced. They grasp more complex situations without having the emotional bandwidth to manage their feelings about it. So working on emotional regulation skills (deep breathing, taking a break, asking for help) will also be useful. And as a plug for an emotional regulation tool that I love and think is super cute, Sesame Street has a free app for practicing different emotional regulation skills (Breathe, Think, Do)!
aegisheart
New member
@mrprolifik Thank you for your comments!
Husband and I were both bright children, but not gifted. However, what you described in terms of expectations hits close to home. Without going into detail, a few family members pushed their smart (maybe gifted, we're not close) kids and took their achievements for granted. In all cases, heavy depression followed.
Overpraising is something I need to work on, as I was overpraised and default to learned behaviors.
Do you have any book recommendations for emotional regulation? Our son loves books and we try to limit screen time (but I will probably cave for Sesame Street).
Husband and I were both bright children, but not gifted. However, what you described in terms of expectations hits close to home. Without going into detail, a few family members pushed their smart (maybe gifted, we're not close) kids and took their achievements for granted. In all cases, heavy depression followed.
Overpraising is something I need to work on, as I was overpraised and default to learned behaviors.
Do you have any book recommendations for emotional regulation? Our son loves books and we try to limit screen time (but I will probably cave for Sesame Street).
mrprolifik
New member
@aegisheart I really like the Sesame Street app because it’s story-based. They present a “problem” situation, explain why the monster is upset, let you help the monster calm down, then let you pick from 3 solutions. Then show the resolution.
For books and other resources, I just did a quick search of one of my SLP groups and some of the recommended resources include: SPOT books w/plushies; expandable breathing ball; a “calm down” box (fill it with various preferred sensory items like a soft plush, rain stick, picture of family/pets, etc; let him help you make it); learning about the Zones of Regulation (making clear that no zone is “bad”); using a stoplight analogy (“I’m feeling red; when I feel red I like to X, Y, or Z. I think I’ll Y this time”). A lot of my colleagues also recommend Daniel Tiger books.
Conscious Discipline also has a lot of really great resources focused on healthy social-emotional learning and problem solving. All of our Head Start teachers are trained in Conscious Discipline, and we’ve seen really great progress in our preschool students.
I would also say that if you’re looking to get him evaluated, you have a few options. If you’re in the US, at age 3 kids can be evaluated through the schools. I will say though, that if he’s cognitively advanced it’s unlikely they would qualify him for anything; even if there are behavior/sensory concerns, they would likely recommend placement in preschool first. You can also look for a referral to a developmental neuropsychologist, who can help rule out the presence of ASD or ADHD. However, at age 3, they are often hesitant to provide a specific diagnosis (which is a good thing!) due to the overlap of symptoms in various developmental disorders. If the primary concern is emotional regulation, then seeking out play therapy and/or the supports of an Occupational Therapist (OT, who can support with sensory regulation) may be beneficial.
It sounds like you’re a really involved, devoted parent, and I think your son is very fortunate to have you
For books and other resources, I just did a quick search of one of my SLP groups and some of the recommended resources include: SPOT books w/plushies; expandable breathing ball; a “calm down” box (fill it with various preferred sensory items like a soft plush, rain stick, picture of family/pets, etc; let him help you make it); learning about the Zones of Regulation (making clear that no zone is “bad”); using a stoplight analogy (“I’m feeling red; when I feel red I like to X, Y, or Z. I think I’ll Y this time”). A lot of my colleagues also recommend Daniel Tiger books.
Conscious Discipline also has a lot of really great resources focused on healthy social-emotional learning and problem solving. All of our Head Start teachers are trained in Conscious Discipline, and we’ve seen really great progress in our preschool students.
I would also say that if you’re looking to get him evaluated, you have a few options. If you’re in the US, at age 3 kids can be evaluated through the schools. I will say though, that if he’s cognitively advanced it’s unlikely they would qualify him for anything; even if there are behavior/sensory concerns, they would likely recommend placement in preschool first. You can also look for a referral to a developmental neuropsychologist, who can help rule out the presence of ASD or ADHD. However, at age 3, they are often hesitant to provide a specific diagnosis (which is a good thing!) due to the overlap of symptoms in various developmental disorders. If the primary concern is emotional regulation, then seeking out play therapy and/or the supports of an Occupational Therapist (OT, who can support with sensory regulation) may be beneficial.
It sounds like you’re a really involved, devoted parent, and I think your son is very fortunate to have you
brendanjamesstephen
New member
@aegisheart I wouldn't worry too much about academics- follow his lead about where he wants to go with that. I would focus a lot on social-emotional learning and play-based learning. Treat him as a 3-year-old, and play is best at this age.
Look into 2E resources in your area, as many kids who are highly intelligent but have hypersensitivity/ issues with frustrations can have a hard time with more traditional G&T environments. In my city, G&T is very non-supportive and assumes a lot of self-control and self-direction on the kids' part, which doesn't provide the supports many kids need.
As far as ADHD or Autism, well, that is hard to say. Kids very often can have both, and they can mess up diagnosis for one or the other, especially if the kid is smart and can mask or have work-arounds. 3.5 is generally considered too young for most ADHD diagnosis, and honestly he could just be frustrated that his physical body/ coordination isn't progressing with his brain. I would look at sensory gyms, Occupational Therapy (OT), and the like to get him more "in tune" with his body.
Look into 2E resources in your area, as many kids who are highly intelligent but have hypersensitivity/ issues with frustrations can have a hard time with more traditional G&T environments. In my city, G&T is very non-supportive and assumes a lot of self-control and self-direction on the kids' part, which doesn't provide the supports many kids need.
As far as ADHD or Autism, well, that is hard to say. Kids very often can have both, and they can mess up diagnosis for one or the other, especially if the kid is smart and can mask or have work-arounds. 3.5 is generally considered too young for most ADHD diagnosis, and honestly he could just be frustrated that his physical body/ coordination isn't progressing with his brain. I would look at sensory gyms, Occupational Therapy (OT), and the like to get him more "in tune" with his body.