How to prepare for what seems inevitable?

[repentchildren123]

TW: impending miscarriage, heartbeat after miso, small sac, bad HCG numbers…

I don’t know where to post this… I don’t belong in the miscarriage sub yet. I guess I don’t belong anywhere. I just need to get it all out because I feel so alone.

Long story short, I’m pregnant from an IUI. HCG doubled once from 20 to 62 in 48 hours. A whole week later and it was 150, so told to prepare for a chemical.

Numbers kept rising by 150-200 every 2-4 days so I was brought in at what should have been 6 weeks to attempt to rule out ectopic. Ultrasound showed 2 completely empty sacs measuring 4 to 4.5 weeks. Dates aren’t wrong due to IUI w/ trigger shot and no sex had after IUI. Ovulation confirmed with bloodwork.

Miso given and 2 rounds did nothing. At all.

Brought in 2 days later and there’s a 5w6d baby in a 5w sac with a heartbeat.

Second ultrasound baby is now 6w2d (should have been 6w3d based on last time, or 7w1d based on IUI) and sac is very small measuring 5w2d (2.8 mm difference b/t the two, so it’s not good) Heartbeat still there.

Told I will likely miscarry but just have to watch it.

How do I just wait for this to happen? I feel like I’m suffocating. This will be my 2nd loss in 6 months after a MMC after a heartbeat that required 2 D&Cs because the 1st one failed.

Extra sucky because due date for the first one is Monday Feb. 5 so that adds to the emotions.

Extra extra sucky because this was a “let’s just try one more” IUI before IVF and it stuck, but now I’ll be dealing with a miscarriage delay.

I’m exhausted and heartbroken and just need to get this out.

I’m praying for a miracle. RE has seen it go both ways, but I know the odds are absolutely slim. This waiting game is torture.

 

[daybreaker]

@repentchildren123 Fucking “one more try” IUIs. I had a similar thing happen. Also had previous losses. They kept saying, “Well, you never know!” So, eventually I got my hopes up and then miscarried. I’m sorry you’re in this position. All you can do is wait and see, and it’s awful

 

[repentchildren123]

@daybreaker The wait is just torture. Praying for that miracle but knowing the odds are against me just hurts. We barely were able to do our first IUI due to my husbands numbers so we were headed to IVF. The clinic wasn’t doing IVF during the holidays so we did “One more. Just to try” And here we are. I can’t even believe it.

 

[rocknrobbins27]

@repentchildren123 I’m so sorry you’re in this position. With my TFMR, I had 10 days between my son’s lethal diagnosis and my D&E. It was so painful. All I could do was take it 1 day, 1 hour, or even 1 minute at a time. What do I need right now? If I needed to cry, I cried. If I needed to scream, I screamed. If I needed someone to do something for me, I made my wife ask them (ask family to deliver food, etc). I went to support groups (Postpartum Support International, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Canada, TEARS, and Forever Footprints all have free international Zoom groups). I went to therapy. A lot of the time I wished the universe would just put me out of my misery.

Sending you so much strength. This is awful. Keep going.

 

[repentchildren123]

@rocknrobbins27 Taking it one single moment at a time is exactly what I’m doing but it’s unbelievably hard. I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I had the words. I’m just heartbroken and no words I say are enough. Your last two words made me smile. Keep going. Same to you. Keep going.

 

[casscass]

@repentchildren123 I’m in the same boat. Fist @spiritualtranscendence 6.2 weeks sac and fetal pole, 2nd @spiritualtranscendence 6.6 wks measured 5.6 weeks hr 97, 3rd @spiritualtranscendence at 7.4 wks measured 6.4 wks hr 111, my betas are taking 8 days to double. I have my next scan Monday and I know bad news but still have that stupid sliver of hope. The waiting is absolute torture. I’m sorry you’re in the same boat too. Wishing for a miracle for both of us

 

[repentchildren123]

@casscass I am truly so sorry you are in this limbo. It really messes with you mentally. That sliver of hope being dangled in front of you, that what if, is so hard. Praying for a miracle for both of us! They stopped taking my betas after the 7th one so at least that’s one less thing for me to have to sadly look at. My next scan is Wednesday. Keep me posted if you’d like someone to talk to. My messages are open if you need someone who gets it. I’m just so sorry. Sending you so much love

 

[casscass]

@repentchildren123 I’m completely new to Reddit so not sure how to message but feel free to message me if u need/want to. Yes it’s the what if that is just so hard…. And not knowing if the baby in there is still living or what’s going on in your body. I’m grieving but then I’ll get on this roller coaster where I have hope or I read a positive story and convince myself there’s hope then I come to reality and grieve again it’s just awful. I have a toddler and feel like I’m being the worst mom in the world right now. I’m also 39 with low egg reserves and can’t help feeling like this might be my last chance. Anyway sending you all the love and thanks for sharing your story it’s been helpful for me to connect with someone going through the same thing.

 

[repentchildren123]

@casscass Just messaged you

 

[absss123]

@repentchildren123 This is my first pregnancy from my fourth FET doing IVF, and we found out yesterday (5w4d) that it isn’t viable. They’ve been keeping a close eye on me for a week because of a low and slow rise in HCG. They still can’t definitively determine where the pregnancy is because what might be a gestational sac is still so small and empty. My Hcg was:

1/14 FET
1/23 55.8
1/25 96.3
1/27 146
1/28 230
1/30 415.9
2/1 590.4
2/3 700-something, I’m not even sure.

They’re having me go back today for another ultrasound just to see if they can find it, but if not then they want to do an endometrial biopsy to determine if it was in my uterus or ectopic and then go from there.

You’re right, everything about this is torture.

 

[repentchildren123]

@absss123 Ugh I hope they see something in your uterus. That was my biggest prayer/wish when I thought mine was ectopic. The good thing about working with a fertility clinic is that they monitor closely so there’s waiting, but you’re not waiting weeks or even a month to find out what’s going on. That’s the only thing giving me comfort is that I have weekly ultrasounds so I’ll know good or bad quickly. I’m so sorry you are in this limbo. It’s awful.

 

[absss123]

@repentchildren123 I’m definitely thankful for the constant monitoring at my clinic. No luck with today’s ultrasound unfortunately. My HCG went from 750 yesterday to 770 today. They did an MVA to get a tissue sample to test, and I’m doing more bloodwork tomorrow to hopefully see a decline in my HCG. Otherwise I’ll be getting methotrexate to treat an ectopic.

 

[repentchildren123]

@absss123 Ugh I’m so so sorry. Hoping it declines. Sending you so much love

 

[absss123]

@repentchildren123 Luckily (all things considering) it declined, and the tissue sample they got from the MVA yesterday confirmed it was intrauterine. Now we wait until my HCG is back to zero.

 

[repentchildren123]

@absss123 It really is so wild the things you hope for. One minute you’re hoping you see that second line and the next you’d give anything for this to be a straightforward (if that’s even an appropriate word) miscarriage instead of ectopic, etc. I have zero clue what to expect at my ultrasound Wednesday. I mean, I don’t even know what to be hoping for. If it’s going to end I don’t want this to keep continuing, but at the same time praying for a miracle. It’s all a mind game. Sending you love and healing as you move forward.

 

[absss123]

@repentchildren123 To you as well I’m hoping for your miracle, but if not, then a straightforward and quick resolution.

 

[iconstitcher]

@repentchildren123 I don’t have any advice, just want to validate you and say you’re right that does sound like absolute torture. Seems so unfair and difficult. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers, hopefully it turns out okay!

 

[rhavon]

@repentchildren123 Did they ask you do take Misoprostone when you saw the two empty sacks? That seems early. Next time tell them you want to wait a few days. Sometimes things are delayed by a few days and they end up working out.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been there myself, many times. I repeated to myself that ‘it’s not over until it is over’.

After 8 mc with several seen heartbeats, an ectopic I decided to do an IVF to see what is going on with our combo. We never got to that point because I only had 1-2 mature eggs. They said the odds are against us. We went the donor egg way and had a child on the first try.

Asks for test, answers, ideas. They never found anything wrong with me. But others find answers and some states will pay for fertility testing.

And take breaks. Even if it feels like you have fight in you, this is a very hard road to be on.

I wish you good outcome or speedy healing. Sending peace.

If you need anything or have questions feel free to PM me.

 

[repentchildren123]

@rhavon I’ve read so many stories of women going in a few days later and things looking completely different, however, the two empty sacs were measuring 4 to 4.5 weeks, putting me 1.5 to 2 weeks behind what I should have been, so it was impossible to come back from that. We didn’t have sex after the IUI and ovulating before the IUI didn’t happen either since I was not only doing OPK tests daily, but had a follicle scan where we would have seen a collapsed follicle. Those dates would have been impossible given when I tested positive as well. I wish I could blame the doctor, but I wasn’t even measuring close. This wasn’t a close call. I wish it was, but it wasn’t since my dates are exact. Had I been a few days shy waiting would have been what we did.

As to why the medication didn’t work, I don’t have an answer. It doesn’t change the fact that before it my sac was measuring EXTREMELY small and my HCG isn’t trending normally. I’ve been grasping at any explanation but truly, there just isn’t one. If we’d waited, the sac would still be small. The same size it is now. The meds didn’t change that.

If this one doesn’t make it I absolutely want to get testing done before we pursue IVF to rule out any glaring issues.

I am truly sorry for how long and heartbreaking your journey was, but I’m SO happy to hear that you have a child. Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful response. I appreciate it so much.

 

[rhavon]

@repentchildren123 Everything you are saying makes sense.

I hope you have to energy to keep fighting. It’s so hard. Sending love for you and your partner!