How do you accomplish the mindset change to be comfortable/confident in your decision to be a SAHP?

[malvina]

@oddduck123 For the SaHW part it was interesting. I had to have a TON of faith in my husband, it was hard and frankly only bc of the style of work contract did I agree to the ‘ get married and move to a Muslim based country’ . We had both been married and divorced previously, and after about a year of dating were in no rush to do it again, but for the work opportunity did it.

Adapting to not having a job was harder than I thought. I jumped into hobbies and eventually started making 6-14 loaves of sourdough and baked goods just to keep busy.

As far as our son, I blame that on Covid . We couldn’t travel. The borders were closed for over 300 days and we couldn’t do weekend trips to Europe and Asia like we had planned. My iud started slipping and had to be removed, so we moved up our plans for children.

Pregnancy and the early baby stage wasn’t fun. I spent the first 2 trimesters in Saudi, and my ob was not reliable. I leaned on my Reddit bump group and 2 friends ALOT. We flew home to drop me off at my dad’s for the last of my pregnancy. Our insurance would cover 100% of the birth of if I had him in the USA, ( death benefits are much lower if I was home vs in Saudi). My son was born early bc I was an adult with so supervision, drank club soda due to water aversion, and developed pre eclampsia. Son was born at 38,3 by induction and it went great.

My sister had warned us about tongue ties and at 2 days old told us that my sons was severe and should get it checked out at the dentists office she works at. It was a bad experience due to the staff, and caused marital issues for us. After talking with our pediatrician and Lactation consultant, I forced the issue bc I having the procedure in Saudi wasn’t an option, and I wanted my husbands support before he flew back to work.

Family was strained due to the fact that my dad, who I was living with is an alcoholic and was trying to convince me to switch to keto before and after my son was born. I had no help and was doing it alone. 4-5 appointment a week and no sleep. Our friends stopped talking to me the day my husband flew back to work. I moved to stay with my mom, but she’s a workaholic and my stoner brother lives with her. So I was sharing a bed with my mom, then moving to the couch after the overnight feed. I asked my mom to watch my son once, he was 3 months old and I needed to go to the dentist. She immediately handed him over to my brother who was high. I didn’t sleep for 3 days while making plans to fly to my husbands parents in another state.

That went well, they had 2 spare rooms and I started to settle into parenthood. Baby’s passport came in at 5.5 months and we flew back to Saudi. Eventually hired a nanny 2 mornings a week so I could have any break. We had no village, as the work colleges ignored us unless told to be nice, so we hired one.

We moved back to the USA permanently when my son was 16/18 months and my mom and sister moved states away 4 months later. It has taken almost 2 years for us to feel settled back home. Finding routines, and making friends is HARD. Still isn’t amazing , but it’s our life.

Being flexible has been the biggest bonus. Our general plan is to have a 2nd child and when all are in school then revisit if I want to go back to work. Right now I make sure everyone has food, clean clothes, and there’s no hidden food under the cushions. The benefit of being able to support my family is amazing, even if I feel that the coat doesn’t fit right some days. Out of the options this is what happened, and I’d prefer not to have to work and be pregnant at the same time , so any thoughts of the workplace will have to wait till we finish having kids.

 

[oddduck123]

@malvina What a rollercoaster! So much happened to your family. I get the sense you're a very resilient person who can roll with the punches, and you found ways to adjust when faced with new situations. We also don't have that coveted "village" that everyone always says is so important and aren't super social people, so that will be hard as well.

 

[malvina]

@oddduck123 Oh I have a TON of trauma and, don’t really have a relationship with either of my parents due to other situations.

But I don’t put up with shit in the same way and am low key terrified of going thru the newborn phase again. But it’s only one more time than I’m done.

 

[megan89]

@oddduck123 I put my skills and knowledge into educating my child from the start, and I’ve never had a day of regret. That was the biggest thing for me.

 

[mijuk95]

@oddduck123 I have a masters in education policy and was working in district finance for a large city

1. Same. Honestly this just takes time. My husband’s constant praise and admiration for the accomplishments I’ve had as a mom really helped though.
2. It’s not a waste because you are going to take all of that knowledge and experience and give your child opportunities that maybe you never had. You have the baseball knowledge. You know how to cram knowledge to figure out the best approach to potty training, phonics, math, emotional support etc. Being an awesome parent takes skill and brains.
3. It happens more than you think. You can always try to keep your foot in the door by doing contract work. Otherwise just try to stay in touch with work friends to keep your network, get your letters of recommendation now, and rest assured that women get a lot of understanding in many industries for doing this, though admittedly my own experience with the education sector may be leading me to overestimate it.

Ultimately being a SAHM has been so much more rewarding and pleasant than working. I think the hardest part, after the initial adjustment (which might take about a year) is the idea of going back!

Advice: being part of a community is key to your sanity so prioritize finding other moms, SAHM or working with your values!

 

[oddduck123]

@mijuk95 Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate the points you gave on each concern I raised and also your advice!

 

[thomasgreentiller]

@oddduck123 I think you are leaving out the most important information: what do you really want to do?
Also, it is not permanent, if you quit and regret it you can go back. And you can always quit. There is no perfect solution. You have to let something go

 

[oddduck123]

@thomasgreentiller Hmm I suppose I'm conflicted because it's not like I completely dislike working or my current job. I've got great colleagues, I've been given many opportunities for growth, I enjoy the challenges and so on. It's hard to let it go. And maybe it's human nature to want the best of both worlds even when it's not possible. I think this is why a lot of people struggle with the transition to retirement, actually!

 

[thomasgreentiller]

@oddduck123 Of course it is hard!

 

[yjyj]

@oddduck123 I had built a successful business from the time I was 19 till I was 25, I made a very comfortable income and I loved my job. I was successful and proud of my accomplishments, and I wasn’t supposed to ever be able to have a child according to several doctors.

When I got pregnant, everything snapped into place in my mind for a few reasons. Firstly, I was raised by daycares and nannies because my parents were both successful CEOs—I was in before and after school care and then watched over by a nanny or taken to a daycare my whole childhood and only saw my parents max 2 hours during work days and by then they were too tired to really give me the attention I needed, and I felt abandoned.

I have a lot of issues from being raised by other people, feeling like work would always take precedence over me, and desperately tried to understand why I wasn’t enough for them to want to stay with me. My mom has done interviews where she says she had to sacrifice and would cry when she missed my plays and some of my birthdays, but the reality was that she wasn’t the one who sacrificed—I was.

They bought into the “quality time over quantity time” and took me and my sibling on cool vacations and sent us to private schools, but I would have traded everything just to have them with me. Want to know the times that meant the most to me? When my dad snuggled with me on the couch, when he would take time away from his work to teach me things, when my mom had us paint pine cones together one time when the power was out, the one time she was able to make it to mother-child day, the time she gave me a stuffed teddy bear for Valentine’s Day that said “I love you” on it and hugged me. Not the trips to Europe or when they sent me to expensive sleep away camps. I learned you can’t have real quality time without quantity time—you can’t just schedule quality time like it’s an appointment that goes from 12-1:30. It doesn’t work that way.

When I got a serious illness that lasted a few years in my early teens, I was alone most of the time in the house and the time for my many doctors appointments was treated as an inconvenience for my parents work schedule, even when they tried to hide it—kids are smart. And I’ve been in therapy for years trying to undo the feeling that I’m not worth being cared for and that if I inconvenience the people who love me they’ll resent it and want to abandon me.

Once I knew I was going to be a mother, I knew I would never inflict that kind of pain on my daughter. I vowed to be there for her so she would never wonder why mommy is always gone, why other people’s parents could show up to field trips and performances but not hers, why she would never be enough.

Not being there for your child and choosing your own ambition over them causes serious, irreparable damage, and kids can tell when you’re working to make sure they’re taken care of and when you’re working for your own vanity.

I’m living proof that choosing to be there for your child over chasing personal ambition is not a ‘waste’ of degrees or personal successes, it’s integral to having a healthy, secure child who grows up into a healthy secure adult. They’re only small for a blink of an eye, my advice is don’t miss it.

 

[oddduck123]

@yjyj I'm sorry you had such a poignant experience growing up, and I appreciate you sharing this story with me. I think being reminded of the experience a child actually goes through is very helpful - we don't always know how to see things through their lens and what they want or need. As adults, tend to believe we know better and that our choices and actions are best. You are right in that kids are smart, and I'm sure my 2-year old keenly perceives the diversion of my attention when I'm facing my laptop instead of him. I like your point about quality time requiring quantity as well, because people often see them as mutually exclusive or value one over the other, but it's true they go hand in hand.

While I will admit I have a hard time letting go of the career/working mindset, I would like to clarify that it's less about ambition/ego and more about uncertainty and simply fear of the unknown. I grew up in a lower middle-class household and despite having worked and saved for many years, the rising costs of living are a reality we can sharply feel. While losing my salary is something we can afford to do (i.e., still live without going into debt, without food/shelter), it won't be without huge sacrifices to the things we hope to achieve in our lifetime.