@tonythetruck So much this!! Most people don't realize that anger is also a sign of (postpartum) depression! After my second child, I was angry over the smallest things. I just thought I was stressed & overwhelmed & that it was normal. It wasn't until my husband suggested telling my Dr about how angry I was that I actually realized it wasn't "normal," & I didn't have to be that way. Wellbutrin made me a better parent.
How Do I Stop Being a Cranky B*tch
- Thread starter kaleidoscopeheart
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- vent working moms
@tonythetruck This is the case for me too. I’m on 300mg wellbutrin and feel like a completely different person
@kaleidoscopeheart Babe. You have to sleep. HAVE TO.
Treat it like it’s a job. Get your co-parent on board and get a schedule worked to where you are giving yourself 8.5 hours to try to sleep and nothing else. (Caveat: I know taking care of kiddos at night can interrupt that so with that exception.)
If that means you’re going to bed at 8 or 9 pm, guess what, you and millions of middle schoolers are going to be on the same schedule. We know babies get cranky without a nap, grown ass adult ladies are the same who are not well rested.
GO TO SLEEP.
Treat it like it’s a job. Get your co-parent on board and get a schedule worked to where you are giving yourself 8.5 hours to try to sleep and nothing else. (Caveat: I know taking care of kiddos at night can interrupt that so with that exception.)
If that means you’re going to bed at 8 or 9 pm, guess what, you and millions of middle schoolers are going to be on the same schedule. We know babies get cranky without a nap, grown ass adult ladies are the same who are not well rested.
GO TO SLEEP.
prshane320
New member
@kaleidoscopeheart I feel this 10000000%. If you find the magic in becoming more human again, let me know 
towhomshallwego
New member
@prshane320 I'm there too... Mine are 11 and 8. It has fluctuated over the years. My go to is setting boundaries. I will not do X. When the kids were super young it was usually geared toward hubby such as mowing, packing his lunch, cleaning his office. Now that the kids are older it is pick up their room, pack their back pack, empty the dishwasher... I will facilitate those items to make sure the house is not a train wreck, but I will not DO it for them. Yep... Sometimes I'm a mean mom. 
fourarrows
New member
@kaleidoscopeheart This is all very normal. And I have a 3.5 year old, and man do I know how hard it can be. It’s still very fresh. Some days I just leaned into it. When she threw absolute tantrums, I stopped worrying about what I thought I “should be doing” and found ways to comfort her instead. She was feeling out of control, and I knew nothing was going to matter until she was calm again. And it isn’t permanent. We got out of the worst of it around 3 years and 1 month. But it was rough there. And there is also no way around this. When I’m tired and cranky, guess what she’s cranky as well. It’s funny how that works.
I know I nursed her in bed when she would wake up 30 mins or an hour earlier than I needed to. She usually fell back asleep and I got another 30 mins or so. And while I was convinced I was teaching her bad habits, when it was time to break it, it took us a day or two and we were fine after that.
Nothing is permanent, and you are doing a great job. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Working and being a mom is really hard. But also know there will come a time you look back on this and realize you eventually figured it out and it was ok. I strongly suggest getting a massage or something. That is my one go to. I try to go once a month. Having something like that once a month has saved my sanity.
I know I nursed her in bed when she would wake up 30 mins or an hour earlier than I needed to. She usually fell back asleep and I got another 30 mins or so. And while I was convinced I was teaching her bad habits, when it was time to break it, it took us a day or two and we were fine after that.
Nothing is permanent, and you are doing a great job. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Working and being a mom is really hard. But also know there will come a time you look back on this and realize you eventually figured it out and it was ok. I strongly suggest getting a massage or something. That is my one go to. I try to go once a month. Having something like that once a month has saved my sanity.
maddiealex8
New member
@kaleidoscopeheart You need sleep. Lots of it. See if there's at least 1 night a week or so that you can find a way to sleep for longer uninterrupted. Your attitude isn't broken-- your recovery system is just overtaxed.
littledaughter
New member
@kaleidoscopeheart My wife’s depression manifested as rage. She told me that she would have irrational anger and rage that made her not enjoy anything. She brought it up to her doctor and her doctor mentioned that it can be a symptom of depression. She said her anti-depressant has helped her tremendously. She still gets angry but it’s only at like 10% compared to before.
katrina2017
New member
@kaleidoscopeheart Your husband shouldn’t have said you’re not fun to talk to.
YMMV but yoga saved me
YMMV but yoga saved me
@kaleidoscopeheart Oh Mama. I hear you and feel you. I have no advice, because I’m “a bitch” too, but this is the season. My husband also helps, but he’s also tired and kids are a lot. Not only are they a lot, but we as moms carry so much weight. I commend you for working out 3x a week! I stopped doing grocery pickups because sometimes that’s the most exercise I get during the work week.
I just try and remember that…I don’t remember what I was about to say. I just try and get through the day without inflicting too much harm on others, and enjoying the little moments.
You have little ones both in tough stages. I hope childcare resolves, and you’re able to get a break.
I just try and remember that…I don’t remember what I was about to say. I just try and get through the day without inflicting too much harm on others, and enjoying the little moments.
You have little ones both in tough stages. I hope childcare resolves, and you’re able to get a break.
@kaleidoscopeheart This sounds so hard — too hard. Anyone would be cranky when this stretched thin.
I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here. Being cranky is the effect of being pulling in too many directions. Focus instead on solving for your bandwidth and finding reliable childcare would be the first step. It’s also something your partner can work on in tandem with you, so you’re not adding on more thing to your plate.
I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here. Being cranky is the effect of being pulling in too many directions. Focus instead on solving for your bandwidth and finding reliable childcare would be the first step. It’s also something your partner can work on in tandem with you, so you’re not adding on more thing to your plate.
@kaleidoscopeheart Humans are not built for this lifestyle. Don't be too hard on yourself for being a human born in the era when both parents have to work much of their waking hours to break even financially. Your grandparents probably didn't have to do that, and then they helped make a world that's worse for their decendants.
paulnorthuk
New member
@kaleidoscopeheart If hubs is not cranky with you, he’s not doing enough. Sorry. This sounds entirely unsustainable and instead of being in the trenches with you, he’s complaining about your attitude? No no no.
I would suggest temporarily lowering your expectations for yourself in any way you can and throw whatever money you can at problems temporarily. Presumably you have some cushion if you’re not paying for daycare for the littlest one at the moment. House cleaners, carry out or meal prep options, maybe Taskrabbit or a virtual personal assistant, hiring more expensive short term babysitters, maybe a few hours a week at a coworking space so you can get some focused work time, etc. Get some air, get some rest, then hopefully you’ll feel invigorated to find longer term solutions including really looking at what your partner is contributing.
I would suggest temporarily lowering your expectations for yourself in any way you can and throw whatever money you can at problems temporarily. Presumably you have some cushion if you’re not paying for daycare for the littlest one at the moment. House cleaners, carry out or meal prep options, maybe Taskrabbit or a virtual personal assistant, hiring more expensive short term babysitters, maybe a few hours a week at a coworking space so you can get some focused work time, etc. Get some air, get some rest, then hopefully you’ll feel invigorated to find longer term solutions including really looking at what your partner is contributing.
@kaleidoscopeheart If your husband is not helping to find a childcare solution, and instead he is criticizing you for being burnt out uuuhhh I'm not sure he's actually pulling his weight. And criticizing you for being understandably exhausted is NOT helpful. That makes me super annoyed for you.
You need childcare! I mean, therapy is something I think everyone can use at least sometimes, but you're doing two full-time jobs at once. You need freaking help so that you only have to do one job like a normal human.
You need childcare! I mean, therapy is something I think everyone can use at least sometimes, but you're doing two full-time jobs at once. You need freaking help so that you only have to do one job like a normal human.
@kaleidoscopeheart Dear OP, you do not need to try any harder. We are living in a system that wants you to blame yourself, instead of ALL of US together demanding change of our elected leaders for reasonably priced daycare, and better and safer schools, family friendly corporate policies and reasonably priced college tuition! I am/was a single mom of a now grown up daughter late 20's who could be starting a family right now but when I read this sub I think (1) there is absolutley no way she could afford FT daycare :-( and (2) I get so so angry that NOTHING has changed since I was going through this multi-year marathon gauntlet (except I guess easier access to SSRI's -which again, keep us on the treadmill of no support from the US economic system that will have YOUR daughters and sons in the exact same place (or Worse for our daughters!) 25 years from now!!. I read a book on this topic, published in ** 2005**, "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety" that still rings true. Highly recommend. I realize it is ONE more to do on our TO DO list, but I can honestly say I would be elated if your post inspired 50 parents to email their 2 senators, their US house member, and their state reps and perhaps HR too. We all deserve to be very angry about this!! My kid has been adult for 10+ years and I am STILL angry about this topic. Good luck everyone
mickeynine
New member
iamkingsamuel
New member
@kaleidoscopeheart Honestly it’s just insane to me that we’ve reached a point in this world where women have been lead to believe that all that can be done by one person.
There are no tips or tricks to fix your mood. Trying harder is not the answer. You should be angry as fuck.
How much does your husband do? Make him do half. Is there a plan to find childcare? It’s outrageous to work full time with children at home.
Can you hire domestic help? It’s another chore to manage it but it can be helpful.
I’m sorry that you somehow think you’re failing. The world has failed you. No one should be doing this much.
There are no tips or tricks to fix your mood. Trying harder is not the answer. You should be angry as fuck.
How much does your husband do? Make him do half. Is there a plan to find childcare? It’s outrageous to work full time with children at home.
Can you hire domestic help? It’s another chore to manage it but it can be helpful.
I’m sorry that you somehow think you’re failing. The world has failed you. No one should be doing this much.
jennynifer
New member
@kaleidoscopeheart I’m in the exact same boat. Kids are 15, 13, and 2. Working full time. Pissed at everyone all the time recently. Trying to up my antidepressant. Hang in there.
@kaleidoscopeheart can your husband take time off sometimes when the toddler is home sick from school? that just sounds impossible to try and wfh with a baby and a toddler. i'm a sahm right now (figuring out my return to work hence being in this sub), and i have my toddler in daycare and my baby home full time. i have the same thing keep happening where the toddler is home sick a lot. even without the stress of work, i literally go insane on the days when i have to watch them both. i feel for you so much having to try and do this on top of working. hang in there.
@kaleidoscopeheart Ummm, that shit is really hard.
It's completely understandable that you're a cranky bitch, and it isn't going to change unless something in your life changes.
I'm full time.remote as well, and I would maybe get 2-3 hours of work in when my kids were home sick basically until 1st grade and they become more independent.
I know you're miserable but you're crushing it.
I don't want to shit on your partner if he's normally splitting household duties fairly evenly, but is he helping pick up a little extra right now? That's how my DH and I roll. When one of us is struggling, the other kind of swoops in and takes over as primary parent.
Also, do you need to lower your standards for a bit? When I was having a hard time during the pandemic, I would ask myself "Did I get out of bed? Is everyone healthy? Are we gainfully employed?". If I said yes to all 3 of those, I succeeded that day.
Lastly, I agree with the others. You need to get.out of the house and reset and recharge. Do you have relatives that could watch your kids for an overnight? Go out to a movie, get a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub, hell even jaywalk! (That was one of my favorite kid free activities - I'm weird)
It's completely understandable that you're a cranky bitch, and it isn't going to change unless something in your life changes.
I'm full time.remote as well, and I would maybe get 2-3 hours of work in when my kids were home sick basically until 1st grade and they become more independent.
I know you're miserable but you're crushing it.
I don't want to shit on your partner if he's normally splitting household duties fairly evenly, but is he helping pick up a little extra right now? That's how my DH and I roll. When one of us is struggling, the other kind of swoops in and takes over as primary parent.
Also, do you need to lower your standards for a bit? When I was having a hard time during the pandemic, I would ask myself "Did I get out of bed? Is everyone healthy? Are we gainfully employed?". If I said yes to all 3 of those, I succeeded that day.
Lastly, I agree with the others. You need to get.out of the house and reset and recharge. Do you have relatives that could watch your kids for an overnight? Go out to a movie, get a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub, hell even jaywalk! (That was one of my favorite kid free activities - I'm weird)