@sunnyhope I had to check a couple times to make sure this wasn’t actually written by me! I am seriously not kidding. Maybe this is my husband’s post??
My daughter is also 15, introverted, has some great close friends, but otherwise seems very awkward in social situations especially if adults are involved, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. AND she is very involved in dance, ballet/modern.
We have always been very loving, supportive, and accepting of her being an introvert, while also trying to teach and encourage social skills over the years. Unfortunately her social skills just weren’t getting better and quite frankly I think we were enabling her to get away with rude behavior in the excuse of her being “shy”. I am also an introvert but sure wish someone had taken the time to teach me better social skills when I was in HS. I think my life could have been easier had I learned and practiced these skills when I was that age. I figured it out in college and after, but do wish I had learned earlier. I still feel shy inside and uncomfortable in large groups, but for the most part I can now hold my own meeting new people and talking with strangers because I actively learned and practiced how to converse with people.
Regarding my daughter, we had one particularly awkward family gathering this winter in which she barely answered people’s questions and hid under a blanket. She is not on the spectrum in any way, we definitely investigated this. She is a lovey, high functioning, attractive, very smart teen, and normal in all other ways.
The night after that family gathering, I kind of lost it on her. I was truly embarrassed by her behavior which came across as incredibly rude. I had been so patient with these issues for so long, but felt that at age 15, she really needed to put in more effort to get past her shyness. I basically told her (with quite a bit of intensity in my voice) that she needed to try harder to converse with the adults around her. That NOW is the time to practice, practice, practice. That it will feel awkward and uncomfortable for a while, but she has to try. That her life was going to be very hard once she leaves home if she doesn’t have basic social skills to engage with strangers or adults around her.
I am not a yeller and am a pretty chill mom in general, but I just couldn’t sit around and witness this behavior anymore. I don’t recommend getting super intense about things like this children/teens. I feel that there are way better ways to talk to teens and get their cooperation, but in this instance, I think my intensity was what kind of snapped her to attention.
Going forward, I broke it down in to these simple steps to help her get started/practice. We had discussed all this before over the years but narrowing it down into 3 simple skills to practice seemed to have helped. I repeated these skills to her many times before each of the next family/friend gatherings. I also reminded her that these family gatherings are the perfect time to practice because everyone there supports her and loves her. That it’s a safe space:
- Look at the person talking to you/asking you a question when you are listening and when you answer (she had a habit of turning to me and looking at me on the occasion that she did actually answer someone asking her a question.)
- Speak louder than you think you should. Try to project your voice so they can hear you well.
- And finally, (this is the bigger one that has helped the most). No simple one/two word answers! Always follow up your answer with at least one sentence, maybe two. For example, if someone asks you, “what is your favorite flavor ice cream?” Don’t just shrug, and say “I don’t know.” Say “I don’t know. I love mint chip, but also chocolate or chocolate chip cookie dough. I don’t really have one favorite.” Example 2: if someone asks “how is school?” Don’t just answer “it’s okay.” Elaborate and say “it’s okay. I like seeing my friends but have some classes I don’t love. It’s much better than middle school though.”
Basically, I encouraged her to say her stream of conscious out loud to expand on an answer. She did end up trying harder the next few gatherings and made great improvements. I no longer have to remind her to work on these skills and see that just the act of practicing a few times made it come more naturally to her and she seems more confident and comfortable now.
The next step, of course, is for her to learn to ask people questions back and show interest in their lives. I figured she needs to master these 3 steps first.
All this to say, I think acceptance of introversion and shyness is all well and good, but your daughter does need to learn how to function in the real world and converse with strangers, authority figures, make new friends, etc. If there are no mental health issues or learning disabilities, spectrum issues, etc. and its truly just social awkwardness, then I feel it’s a gift to start teaching her tips and tools to deal with her shyness now, while she is young and still living with you.
Sorry for my long ramble! Good luck!
