How do I parent my introverted daughter?

sunnyhope

New member
My 15 y/o daughter is VERY introverted. She comes off as unfriendly, aloof, and is very quiet. She has a couple friends who are wonderful girls, but does not spend much time with them. She rarely smiles, and has trouble making small talk (let alone full conversations) with family members like grandparents/aunts/uncles etc, as well as making any new friends. Weird thing is, she is very confident, very happy with life, very dedicated to ballet training, and is very pretty. She accepts herself for who she is, a quiet girl with only a couple friends. I’m happy for that, because she doesn’t care about being popular or fitting in and isn’t depressed or self conscious about it. But I’m worried she doesn’t have the skills that will help her in real life with a career, and finding romantic relationships or meaningful friendships. I’m worried that while today she is confident and happy, someday she will be lonely. How do I parent her? Leave it alone and hope she matures out of this? Or keep nudging her to make friends and be friendlier and more approachable? The last thing I want to do is start making her feel bad about who she is because she doesn’t fit a certain version of what I consider outgoing and friendly. She is incredibly strong willed. Please help!!
 
@sunnyhope It sounds like you're doing good so far with accepting her and not trying to change her. Now you can help her be the best version of herself. Help her figure out a life path that works for who she is. The good thing about being an introvert is increased focus and discipline, as she must have to succeed at ballet. Help her figure out a future career that will use those skills. Science, software engineering, accounting, etc.

She may not have as many friends or boyfriends as maybe you think she should, and she might not care for all life milestones or parts of the high school experience you find important. That's ok, and it's also ok for you to mourn what you might have been hoping to experience with her as a parent, if she chooses not to partake. Just do that privately.

As an introvert and parent of two introverts, one thing I've noticed is that my kids and I do have friends, but we only have the good ones. We're not constantly surrounded by people like the extraverts are, but we are surrounded by the good ones. Quality over quantity. It seems to me that most people are acquaintances or just social climbers looking to get something from someone else. As an introvert, people miss me with that bullshit and I'm not sad about it. I've had plenty of quality friends in my life and your daughter will too. It's a little harder in high school because other kids are so immature, but it gets easier as you get older. I made my closest friends in adulthood, and college was so much easier for making friends than high school.

Obviously with the mention of kids I did also find a partner. I met him in high school and he just sorta stuck around until I married him. Zero effort on my part. Your daughter will meet someone as well. She might avoid casual relationships and hookups and only have one or a few serious relationships - again, the low-quality, risky bullshit gets filtered out. Not really a bad thing.
 
@sunnyhope I had to check a couple times to make sure this wasn’t actually written by me! I am seriously not kidding. Maybe this is my husband’s post??

My daughter is also 15, introverted, has some great close friends, but otherwise seems very awkward in social situations especially if adults are involved, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. AND she is very involved in dance, ballet/modern.

We have always been very loving, supportive, and accepting of her being an introvert, while also trying to teach and encourage social skills over the years. Unfortunately her social skills just weren’t getting better and quite frankly I think we were enabling her to get away with rude behavior in the excuse of her being “shy”. I am also an introvert but sure wish someone had taken the time to teach me better social skills when I was in HS. I think my life could have been easier had I learned and practiced these skills when I was that age. I figured it out in college and after, but do wish I had learned earlier. I still feel shy inside and uncomfortable in large groups, but for the most part I can now hold my own meeting new people and talking with strangers because I actively learned and practiced how to converse with people.

Regarding my daughter, we had one particularly awkward family gathering this winter in which she barely answered people’s questions and hid under a blanket. She is not on the spectrum in any way, we definitely investigated this. She is a lovey, high functioning, attractive, very smart teen, and normal in all other ways.

The night after that family gathering, I kind of lost it on her. I was truly embarrassed by her behavior which came across as incredibly rude. I had been so patient with these issues for so long, but felt that at age 15, she really needed to put in more effort to get past her shyness. I basically told her (with quite a bit of intensity in my voice) that she needed to try harder to converse with the adults around her. That NOW is the time to practice, practice, practice. That it will feel awkward and uncomfortable for a while, but she has to try. That her life was going to be very hard once she leaves home if she doesn’t have basic social skills to engage with strangers or adults around her.

I am not a yeller and am a pretty chill mom in general, but I just couldn’t sit around and witness this behavior anymore. I don’t recommend getting super intense about things like this children/teens. I feel that there are way better ways to talk to teens and get their cooperation, but in this instance, I think my intensity was what kind of snapped her to attention.

Going forward, I broke it down in to these simple steps to help her get started/practice. We had discussed all this before over the years but narrowing it down into 3 simple skills to practice seemed to have helped. I repeated these skills to her many times before each of the next family/friend gatherings. I also reminded her that these family gatherings are the perfect time to practice because everyone there supports her and loves her. That it’s a safe space:
  1. Look at the person talking to you/asking you a question when you are listening and when you answer (she had a habit of turning to me and looking at me on the occasion that she did actually answer someone asking her a question.)
  2. Speak louder than you think you should. Try to project your voice so they can hear you well.
  3. And finally, (this is the bigger one that has helped the most). No simple one/two word answers! Always follow up your answer with at least one sentence, maybe two. For example, if someone asks you, “what is your favorite flavor ice cream?” Don’t just shrug, and say “I don’t know.” Say “I don’t know. I love mint chip, but also chocolate or chocolate chip cookie dough. I don’t really have one favorite.” Example 2: if someone asks “how is school?” Don’t just answer “it’s okay.” Elaborate and say “it’s okay. I like seeing my friends but have some classes I don’t love. It’s much better than middle school though.”
Basically, I encouraged her to say her stream of conscious out loud to expand on an answer. She did end up trying harder the next few gatherings and made great improvements. I no longer have to remind her to work on these skills and see that just the act of practicing a few times made it come more naturally to her and she seems more confident and comfortable now.

The next step, of course, is for her to learn to ask people questions back and show interest in their lives. I figured she needs to master these 3 steps first.

All this to say, I think acceptance of introversion and shyness is all well and good, but your daughter does need to learn how to function in the real world and converse with strangers, authority figures, make new friends, etc. If there are no mental health issues or learning disabilities, spectrum issues, etc. and its truly just social awkwardness, then I feel it’s a gift to start teaching her tips and tools to deal with her shyness now, while she is young and still living with you.

Sorry for my long ramble! Good luck!
 
@sunnyhope My in-laws call my 16 year old son “awkward” because he doesn’t talk their ear off and he’s reserved (an introvert). I cringe when I hear that word. It’s so outdated and ignorant. The popular, loud kids in high school are usually the jerks and mean girls. High school is going to always be the highlight of their life. My in-laws brag about their son ( my son’s father). He was popular, a paid model, the girls were always knocking on the door to see him, he got excellent grades and did ALL the sports. The truth, from him; he fked every girl he could and then used them to do all his school work. He did lots of drugs because he hated his parents forcing him to be in all kinds of sports. He’s a narcissist that hasn’t seen his son since Covid and his son is perfectly fine with that. In fact, he thriving now.

Stop trying to make your kids who you think they SHOULD be. It doesn’t work. It drives a wedge and builds resentment. We are who we are because of our past and our choices. Our children get the same opportunity regardless of our wishes.
 
@sunnyhope If you find out please share. My son is 15 and in the same boat. He has a few friends that he has known since grade school but he never hangs out with them. I have tried to encourage him to do things with friends and he has zero drive. He participated in cross country and band but has not made any new friends.
 
@sunnyhope You know some people are just a bit quiet and shy. It’s okay they meet and find other quiet and shy people and have a lovely time together. The worst thing is when the loud people try and make you loud whereas you are quite content doing your own thing. As she matures she’ll find confidence within her own tribe - just watch her blossom
 
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