How do bring up timelines with your husband?

[acewoodson]

I feel like I am ALWAYS currently talking about babies or things relating to them. We are both 26, and I have 1 year left of school before I get my bachelors degree. Our only debt currently is my ~$4,000 in student loans, and we have money set aside for a house down payment when the market gets better (we are prepared to keep renting for a few years if need be). We have 2 reliable vehicles and a 3 bed house. I have PCOS (that’s managed) and endo (stage 3 in last surgery). The endo has done damage and caused me to have my uterus stitched to my abdominal wall, but I still ovulate normally, etc. The endo is my #1 concern about waiting too long, as I’ve started having mild symptoms again.
In saying all of this, how have you brought up the conversation with your spouse in a way that actually results in a timeline? We’ve talked about things we want to do before TTC, timing that may be decent with other things, etc, but we haven’t really made a plan of ‘ok after X, Y and Z, or during X month, we could start trying’. I feel like having more of a timeline would help with my obsessiveness about babies and talking about it all. The. Time. We talk about this stuff a lot, but my husband is hesitant to set a timeframe, which I understand, but I do better with plans or at least semi-ideas.

 

[droxy]

@acewoodson For us, we always tried to determine a timeline that was loose like "in 3 more years" (we said this tor several years in a row lol) but once it came down to the specific goals we wanted to hit before TTC, it was easier to plan a legitimate timeline.

I needed a stable job (I changed careers), and I wanted to be with one employer for at least a year or two before TTC. We also decided we wanted to get a house before trying. We always said we didn't mind when we got married, but would prefer to do it before. So now, we are trying to get married and buy our first house and have dates for both this year.

So now our TTC timeline is to start once both those things are done, so likely this Fall or early Winter.

If you guys can talk about those other goals first, it will help! But he needs to understand your anxiety about your circumstances, too. I hope this helps

 

[debbie007]

@acewoodson I set my own timeline and came to my husband with it. I had roughly laid out the next 5 years with what I wanted to accomplish and then if things went well we could start trying for a kiddo a year early, but either way 2023 was my “must start by” date.

I checked with him periodically, maybe like once a year, mostly as just a reminder. I don’t think he really started thinking about it until we were a year out and I started nailing down specifics. Things like, ideally when would he want the baby to be born, where would we want to live, did he want to stay in his job, etc. I think starting to picture how our lives would look helped him think about it.

 

[acewoodson]

@debbie007 That is a good plan. We’ve kind of talked about end of this year, beginning of next, since I graduate next May, but it hasn’t become a legit plan. My hard ‘no more waiting’ thing is if I need another endo surgery, and my husband has agreed with that at least.

 

[hopeandfaithhealing]

@acewoodson Personally, my husband and I have started having what I call (tongue-in-cheek) “couples business meeting”. We talk about what we want to accomplish that month (mostly in terms of home improvement), talk about our budget, and talk about our goals for the year overall. This year, that included a TTC timeline.

We have Jan 2024 as a tentative timeline. Our last bucket list items are one more big vacation this year, and potentially one or two more big home improvement items (but those are less important to me for TTC, personally).

We have agreed to check back in with eachother on this timeline in the fall, with spring of 2024 as a secondary starting point (after my 30th birthday)

So I guess my advice is, start by looking for a general time (rather than an exact time), and agree to check in with eachother at points leading up to then. If he is hesitant, I would try to understand what he’s looking to accomplish before then (I.e more money, more travel, more nights out, etc), and try to work towards fulfilling those things

 

[seanjm]

@acewoodson My husband and I were 25 when I brought up setting a more definite time frame while out on a walk with our dog. Like any conversation, it's something you just start and then keep going.

I think we went through everything we wanted to do before baby, talked about the earliest and latest points in which we wanted to be parents, and worked out a timeframe for trying based on that - which spanned 2 years. From that point, we chose a month to start based on wanting a summer/fall baby (obviously won't stop trying if we don't get one, but it's a way to set a starting point). I was the one who panicked for a few weeks with how early he said he was willing to try (1.5 years from that convo) and debated holding off another year, but I came around to that timeline too. This last year we've been focused on getting our pre-baby stuff done and just enjoying our time together.

My main piece of advice is to make sure he understands that it can take quite some time to conceive, miscarriages are common, and that even if you do conceive right away it's still another 9 months before you have the baby. A lot of men seem to think they must be ready for a baby the moment you start trying which isn't really the case. They also might not realize how common it is for TTC to take several months in normal, healthy couples. Giving ourselves more time for TTC in general is ultimately why I agreed to the earlier timeline. I think that if we do have trouble, I will be grateful for the extra time vs regretting having waited longer.

Best of luck!

 

[acewoodson]

@seanjm I totally agree! We both were very adamant about being in therapy before being even close to TTC, especially because of me having endo damage that makes it more likely that I will have miscarriage(s) and/or fertility struggles. I have had one miscarriage, years ago, that I think really made us hesitant about things, but my husband more so. We are way more mature now and (I feel) more prepared to handle a situation like that vs when we were 20 and newlyweds.

 

[eerik]

@acewoodson I think you’re doing all the right things! We had all those same conversations over a few years without setting a clear date.

One day we were having a conversation and came around to “what is going to change between now and X date in the future to make us feel more ready.” When the answer was finally “nothing, really,” that’s when we started making solid plans.

 

[john1974]

@acewoodson If I'm setting timelines on goals, I always find it helps to break my goals out into the individual steps I think I'll need to take to achieve it, and then I can assign what times I think it will take for each step. When I'm actively working toward a goal, I make sure I have a way to track my progress which helps keep me motivated. It always helps me to quantify everything I can as a numbers minded person.

 

[hughestimo]

@acewoodson We're a little bit older so that definitely changes the timeliness, I also have PCOS. We had to talk about children during our premarital counseling so that topic came up a bunch and we naturally talked about a desired timeliness. Ideally we would want a least a year to ourselves and we wanted to travel first before we start trying, which we'll be doing soon.

I will admit that especially at the start of this year my baby fever kicked in big time. Someone on here posted a Google doc that had great talking points and after we reviewed that the baby fever cooled down. I guess probably the biggest thing to discuss is your birth control. Talk about what you're doing and what would happen if it failed?

 

[acewoodson]

@hughestimo We’ve always said that we wanted to be in our late twenties before TTC, so ‘technically’ we are currently in our late twenties now. And we’ve always just openly spoken about the future and ‘when’ we have kids.

I just went back on hormonal birth control to try and calm some endo symptoms that popped back up, but before that I was off of all meds for about 2 years and we just used a Caya with Contragel (and I was tracking my cycles with FAM). If it happened now, we would adjust quickly and be excited. Biggest thing would be figuring out childcare truthfully, as my husband works full time and I’m in school full time for the next year.

 

[susie40s]

@acewoodson I wanted to finish college when we started to try, so we did that. I went pregnant to my graduation party. Then, literally covid started. We knew we wanted a second, so it didn’t bother us. We decided that covid may be another year or two and luckily we did. Now I am starting a new job, waiting to pass my 6 months probationary period and start trying again.

I like to plan things out. I have a thirty year plan written with all big purchases too. We have skipped a year to buy a new car, but approaching an extension on a house milestone.

 

[sashakasha]

@acewoodson My husband and I have very open communication, so I think establishing open communication without fear is key. If you’re afraid to talk about certain subjects for whatever reason, that’s a red flag.

 

[acewoodson]

@sashakasha I’m not afraid to talk about it. We often talk about the future, kids, etc. I simply asked for ways to approach the subject that encourages setting more of a timeline without me saying “hey, I need you to give me a date, time and place that we can start TTC”. I’m sorry if a simple Reddit post made it seem as though my relationship is deeply flawed in communication