How can I tell whether I really want another, or just feel like I should?

A

amandabritobaez

New member
Our first is about to turn one. Before getting pregnant I was adamant I wanted two. However, the pregnancy, birth, and newborn experiences have seriously shaken me and now I'm really on the fence. If we do have a second one I'd want to start trying soon so that they're not too far apart in age, but I really can't seem to decide what I actually want.

On the one hand, a sibling could provide great benefits for our family and our existing child. We will have another child to love and experience new things with. She will always have someone to play with and be on her side, and to share the responsibility of supporting us in old age. It will help us avoid spoiling her or helicoptering her too much. I had a great relationship with my sibling growing up, and wouldn't want to rob her of that experience. That said, my husband and his sibling hated each other l, so it could go either way.

On the other hand, I had some complications that not only made pregnancy very unpleasant for me, but also caused issues during delivery which jeopardized her life and resulted in a NICU stay (she's fine now). At least some of these complications are likely to occur again. Also, having a second would mean less time for her, and less money. And we really struggled in the newborn stage and basically lived in bed and relied heavily on our parents for help. I can't imagine doing that again with a toddler. But it could be better this time since we know what we're doing now.

I often dream about having a second one, what we might name them, what they might be like. But when actually imagining trying to go through the day to day experience again I just can't see myself enjoying it.

I don't know how to break this tie in my mind. Anyone have any tips on how they made the decision?
 
@amandabritobaez Outside of your daughter having a sibling, why do YOU want to have another child? Additional children should never be born with a job to entertain or be there for a sibling. You should have additional children because you and your partner want to raise another child.

1 is wonderful age - you've survived your first year of parenting! And now have a sweet, amazing toddler. I lovingly call it the trick age because between hormones, the excitement of getting through the first year and your adorable toddler you feel READY! Then two hits (or 3) and oh man, its fun, but work and many families now have two children.

There is no correct age gap. Your child doesn't need a sibling at all or one close in age. You (and your partner) should have another child because you feel ready or the desire to raise them fully to adulthood with all the fun and challenges you now know!
 
@amandabritobaez I’m 35 and made the decision the oldest old is like to be if we have another is 38, putting me at 55/56 when said child would graduate high school.

We are still undecided if we’ll have a second (first is 3), but it’s been helpful for us to set a max age and timeline to decide.

It’s ok to wait - maybe talk to your spouse about the age you both would feel comfortable if you have another pregnancy and age at high school graduation.

I know for me, I felt a ton of pressure to do the 2 year gap and realizing that it didn’t matter and giving ourself time and space has been so helpful!
 
@amandabritobaez I was like this. We had a date to try again due to daycare costs for 2 being too much for us. But as the date approached, and I saw how much more independent my son was, I was filled with dread and anxiety about starting all over again. For me it was hard to know when my first was one because they’re still babies (I also think hormones play a big role at that point). When I was looking at a human that could eat normal food, carry on a conversation, be left to play room so I could use the bathroom, and could wipe his own butt, it was clear to me I wasn’t able to go back. If you can give yourself a little more time, it may help you.
 
@amandabritobaez I had my first child at 37, right before my 38th birthday. He was supposed to share my birthdate, but arrived a bit early.

I want another child, but actually think it would be better for my baby to be an only. I think he'd get better parents and would be able to have more opportunities and resources available to him.

I can see myself taking him to all his activities and sports . I can see use traveling easily with him. I see a lot less stress.

I don't see that life with 2 kids. And I have loved being a mom so far. But it's early. He's only 3 months. We are going to decide this summer to TTC or be okay with our little trio.

I went into this OAD and have treated every moment like it's my first and last. It's been precious and amazing. Also exhausting and challenging.
 
@eclipsewolfe I also feel this comment deeply. My LO is newly 2 and I’m still not sure if we can/should have a second. Your last paragraph especially is how my partner and I have experienced parenthood. I think there is something special about truly enjoying all the moments with your child without always thinking in the back of your head about doing it again or with the “next one.”
 
@amandabritobaez I would not try for a second unless and until you are 1000% sure. In my experience, an under one year old is vastly easier than a toddler in day to day life. Obviously everyone’s child is different but the energy level of a 2 or 3 year old is a lot, never mind adding in an infant that you’re not 100% sure you want to add in yet. It’s wonderful to dream and fantasize about another child and naming them, bringing them home, the excitement of a new baby… but you say yourself you can’t see yourself enjoying day to day. I would wait until it’s more clear. In the grand scheme of things waiting another year isn’t the end of the world for age gaps or your age.
 
@amandabritobaez Do you have any nieces or nephews? I only ask because the first year is wild, everything changes so quickly, and it's honestly hard to decide about another just based on the first year. Toddlers are a whole different game for good and bad, and it's kind of nice to at least get some exposure to other kids to see what you're in for.

For me the whole first year didn't sell me on another, but having a toddler did. My neighbor's kid is a year older than my son to the week, so I really utilized observing him to think about how my son would be when another arrives. Being around babies did not make me want another, but being around older toddlers and elementary age kids did. Think more about years ahead to make the decision, which could be hard if you're only basing it on the first year.
 
@katrina2017 Nope, our kid is the only grandkid on both sides, and may possibly be the only one ever if we don't have another as our siblings don't seem inclined to have any. We're also the first out of all our friends to have a kid. Hence why I'm turning to reddit for these kinds of questions...
 
@amandabritobaez Alright I get that. In my opinion they only get more fun. Having a walking, talking, tiny BFF is a blast. Some people prefer babies over toddlers though, so it's hard to say! We are lucky he has 2 cousins close in age, but they live an 8 hour drive away. This was actually a consideration for me because many of my only child friends said they grew up with cousins and that made a big difference.
 
@amandabritobaez And it's great that you are thinking this way! My original comment got more to what I was trying to emphasize about for us it getting so much better. We regularly reflect on how our lives are way better now than they were the first year. Of course some people will tell you that toddlers are much harder. That just hasn't been my experience. For me the desire for another grew as my son got more fun. I didn't want another when he was a year.

I'm sure there are a lot of onlies with no cousins who have great childhoods. I just got on a bit of a tangent with some of my own thoughts that went in to having another.
 
@amandabritobaez Just wanted to say that a few of the reasons you listed for having another are not good reasons...

(1) Having a second to "benefit" your first child is a little sad, as it somewhat objectifies the second baby, and gives them a job at birth. Considering that a sibling could also negatively impact your first child (for a variety of reasons), it's probably smartest to assume the impact would be neutral, and then take that reason out altogether as a rationale for having another kid.

(2) More importantly, having a second so you don't "helicopter" parent your first is analogous to saying that you want to be spread more thinly / be more busy or stressed so you literally can't pay as much attention to your child. It's probably better to just put more effort into parenting more consciously / striving to give your child more independence than to bring another human into the world to take more of your time and attention away. (And, if you really want to just be spread more thinly, you could always occupy yourself in other ways -- e.g., with your career or hobbies.)

(3) Having another kid so that they can share the responsibility of caring for you in old age is just... not great. Kids shouldn't have that responsibility in the first place. We should all be planning ahead to make our end of life financially comfortable and logistically easy. You could always just take the extra money you'd have by not having another kid (easily $250,000+) and invest it, and you'd not have a financial worry in 35+ years in old age.
 
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