He left us

jnb2

New member
Edit: I am so overwhelmed by support here, thank you so much. I have read every word and I appreciate this community a lot. He’s facing homelessness. It breaks my heart for him, but I won’t be taking him back.

11 years. 11 years and he left telling me he needed space for a week, but immediately texted his entire family that we were completely over, it was mutual. He told them he doesn’t want to talk about it, but he’s excited to tell them.

11 years of financial and emotional abuse. In the early years, I got pregnant and had an abortion I deeply regretted (still pro choice, just made the wrong choice for me). I got pregnant again twice soon after and lost both babies. Many years later, I found myself pregnant again a few months into the pandemic. I had my son almost 2 years ago now.

He’s been unemployed for almost a year now, he walked out of his last job while I begged him not to. He quit the job before that when I was 9 months pregnant. I’m a freaking nanny, I make good money but not enough to support a family. I’ve had to make it work all this time. Scramble, cut corners, listen to him promise he’d have money for the next bill but he’d rarely ever have it.

He says I’m psychotic, that I tortured him. I kept trying to put him in a box and he can’t live like that anymore. He’s glad he left. I was not perfect by any means, I made many mistakes, but fuck. I was just trying to survive.

My son comes to work with me 2 days a week and stays home with him 3 days, but it’s been almost a week since he’s left and he hasn’t taken him at all. He’s living in at a friends house, I have no idea if that is a long term option. As far as I know, he has no money.

He left my home in a car that is in my name, that he was supposed to pay for from the sale of his old car but he never gave me that money, he just spent it. He had just asked for gas money the day prior, so he drove away with my gas, too. I was originally giving him time to figure out if he wanted to pay cash or return the car to me, but he was blowing up my phone yesterday and I’m worried about his mental state. I have little savings and the money from selling that car will make a huge difference to my son and I. I decided I needed the car back, he wouldn’t cooperate and said I needed to give him time, he’d return it when his life allows. I offered to pick it up, he told me that would be trespassing and he’s armed. I got a police escort to help me retrieve the car last night.

My entire family, as well as his entire family, have all said I did way too much for too long and I shouldn’t take him back under any circumstances. My life is honestly much easier now, facing life as a single mom is petrifying but it has to be easier than feeling like a single mom to one kid and one adult.

I don’t know the point of this post, honestly. If you got this far, thanks for reading.
 
@bernard2291 I just want to say, I was also left by my abusive partner and thought I was alone in that. I thought if he was really abusive, either I would have left him or he wouldn't let me leave.

I struggled with this for years until I learned about narcissistic abuse and the term discard. They may discard a partner often or in one dramatic act at the end. It may or may not end with them manipulating the relationship back together.

As far as leaving abusive relationships go, this makes us some of the lucky ones, but it does not invalidate the abuse of the relationship. My abuser tried to unalive me, so I never thought something like him just leaving would happen.
 
@bernard2291 I came here to make sure this was the top comment. OP, you deserve sooooo much better. This man was steaming hot garbage. I know change is hard, and I know you’re feeling so many things, but the only thing at the end of this road is a better, happier life for you. The only thing at the end of his road is a huge ass wake-up call. And when he gets that wake-up call, do not answer. You’re better off without his dumbass.
 
@jnb2
I decided I needed the car back, he wouldn’t cooperate and said I needed to give him time, he’d return it when his life allows. I offered to pick it up, he told me that would be trespassing and he’s armed. I got a police escort to help me retrieve the car last night.

You are a badass! Good for you! (I rolled my eyes so hard at "when his life allows" they almost got stuck)

Like another poster said, sometimes the trash takes itself out. Child support/shared custody whatever works for you. Get it done, don't feel bad for holding him to his responsibilities.
 
@mikula20117 Yes! This is a threat to your life. Take it to court. Write these words down and I hope you have this in writing from him. Tell the court you “feared for your life”. You HAVE to use those words. Make sure you’re child is included in the order and make sure you ask for a move out order. He already left but a move out order will bar him from being able to come back.
 
@fleetwood95 That's what got me too! I know someone that I grew up with that literally just got shot by her ex-husband 2 weeks ago (he thankfully only got her arm). He couldn't handle her moving on, well now he'll be in prison. OP PLEASE STAY AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS AND KEEP YOURSELF SAFE!
 
@deborah555 Yep, my ex was the scariest after he left me, when he discovered that I was moving on. I think he expected that he could continue to feel powerful because he thought he was destroying my life. When I started to recover, that's when he got psychotic. Stay safe, OP.
 
@fleetwood95 As an Australian, being told “I’m armed” is a big threat. It saddens me that Americans are so used to hearing those words that they sometimes dismiss the seriousness of them. He threatened her with a weapon because she wanted HER car back. Fucking arsehole.
 
@jnb2 HUN! Do NOT let the fear of single parenting affect you... Why? Because you have been doing it all along! You have been the stability, you have been the love, you have been the comfort, you have been the provider for your lil one. YOU are STRONG! And you know what? He made it easy for you. He shown everyone his true colors and left for his own selfishness.
 
@jnb2 You are better off. Focus on you and your little one. It will be hard, it will be painful, but you will be so much happier in time. Grieve this relationship the same way you would grieve the loss of a loved one. you lost the person you loved, he isn't that person anymore, and there is no getting back the person or idea of the person he was.
 
@jnb2 One day he is going to come crawling back because he is a worthless slob. Do not forget how he left you, and didn’t even have the decency to tell you to your face. He lacks honor and has zero decency.

Change your locks, give him NOTHING, and make sure his threat of “im armed” is well recorded. I would be getting legal advice if I were you.

Since he is well armed I hope you are too mama. That comment of his puts up a lot of flags for me.

You can do this. You can be a single parent, because it sounds like you have been doing it even while he was taking up space and wasting air around you all.
 
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