He changed his mind and I cried myself to sleep just to wake up more upset

[charlyrich]

You’re the only people I feel would understand what I’m going through right now. The past year we’ve been NTNP but really not trying as we avoided possible O days. Last month I had a scare cause I miscounted my cycle days. I allowed myself to get excited. It didn’t happen and I was depressed. He saw how upset I was and mentioned possibly beginning to try. Now, I’ve been using OPK to better understand my body and have some info for when we did decide to try. He made it sound like we were going to try this month by telling me not to worry about avoiding the possible O days. Yesterday I got a positive OPK and told him. He then informed me he doesn’t want to try and we should use protection. He said he doesn’t want a baby right now. IM UPSET BECAUSE HE FLIP FLOPPED AND GOT ME EXCITED TO JUST SLAM ME DOWN. I want to try to so bad. I want my family I never had. I’m ready. He’s not and now I have to accept that we will continue WTT until some unknown time. Whatever time he feels like choosing. Completely out of my control. I feel so angry with him I’m taking the weekend to go visit my mom.

He asks me why I want a baby. Because it’s all I’ve ever wanted. A family. I want to be the loving mom mine never was. I want to wake up early to cry’s and coos. I want to nurture and love with all my heart. I feel it’s nearly my purpose.

I feel so alone and I’m crying at work totally unable to even begin to explain this to my coworkers. They wouldn’t understand.

 

[fruitb]

@charlyrich Oo, I would be so bummed and pissed. This happened with us a few years ago with getting a puppy and I was furious and so, so sad. I can only imagine it it’s a human baby! I’ve been fun shy ever since and sat the SO down a few months ago and said “we’re calendaring this out and I’m reminding you once a month so it’s not a surprise and I need you to a stick to it, for my own planning and mental health purposes”. So sorry you’re going through this

 

[charlyrich]

@fruitb Thank you very much for responding. Honestly, just hearing other women go through similar helps so much. I feel a lot of guilt for being mad at him as I have to respect his wishes. I’m just so hurt. I nearly feel like I don’t know how to cope with this hurt

 

[fruitb]

@charlyrich I've realized in my nearly 9 years with my partner that I can't get mad at him for how he feels but I sure as hell can be mad at him for failures of introspection and failures to communicate. It's not reasonable that my partner can just tunnel vision on his work and truck and the house and completely neglect to reflect on our relationship or future. It's not my job to do it for him. So I get mad at him for that, and for failing to communicate in a way that lets me plan and prepare. Emotional intelligence is a reasonable expectation for a grown man. That being said, that's just my experience with my partner and each relationship is unique!

 

[charlyrich]

@fruitb I like this way of thinking. Thank you! I love him so so so much. I hate that we’re even nearly arguing. I’m just so sad at the moment. I wish I could better control this feeling and just say “okay babe let’s get a bottle of wine and order pizza.” But this means a lot to me and I’ve never had a situation like this where it really is getting to me to the point that I’d allow it to interfere with our happiness. I’m sorry if I sound all over the place. I’m trying to work through my thoughts

 

[fruitb]

@charlyrich Your feelings are valid information that you have every right to examine and process, no need to be sorry. This stuff is complicated. Letting your dreams for the future "interfere with [your] happiness" now isn't silly or unreasonable. It's also important to remember that there's no point in trying to "control" feelings, they come as they'll come, but you can choose how you react to them. I use a strategy called "Greet them at the door"-- where you acknowledge the feeling, take a quick look at it, thank it for the information it provides (like, literally this the internal script), and then decide how to respond. This often results in me deciding to communicate that feeling with others really objectively: "Hey, [partner], when you said that you didn't want to try unprotected tonight it caught me off guard and I felt really sad. It makes me feel like you might not understand how important this is to me. I'm not sure how to respond because I'm feeling so sad." This isn't unfair to your partner or to you, it's just communication. Brushing it under the rug would be unfair to you. Attacking him for it would be unfair to him.

Anyways, that super turned into a lecture, not intended that way. Take what is useful and leave the rest!

 

[charlyrich]

@fruitb Yes yes that’s exactly perfect! I believe that’s why I broke our rule and did go to sleep upset because I felt I was going to lash out at him but knew that’s absolutely wrong. Just speaking with you and the others on this thread has helped so much. Truly, exactly what you wrote is most likely verbatim what I will say to him. I want us talk through this and reach a comfortable resolution for the both of us. I needed time to calm down and work through it. Thank you so much. You have been so wonderful to take the time to help me.

 

[fruitb]

@charlyrich So happy to help! Best of luck, girl

 

[godsgatekeeper]

@charlyrich It doesn’t sound at all like you are mad at him for having an idea (hey maybe let’s try?) and changing his mind. But being upset and hurt that he didn’t consider how his statements would impact you is a pretty reasonable thing to be mad about in my opinion. Hurt -> anger is preeetty normal human response.

I’d say the best thing you can do is to be really specific when you talk to him, and discuss how you felt when he brought up trying, and what it was like to have him change his mind.

I’ve also learned - ESPECIALLY with something so impactful and emotionally heavy - it’s critical to be really specific with your assumptions and expectations. Get in the habit of saying it out loud so you have a chance to be sure you are on the same page. If he says something pro-TTC again, check in with him: “does that mean you are ready to start trying this month? I am feeling very ready but I want to make sure we are in agreement before I get my hopes up”

 

[charlyrich]

@godsgatekeeper Yes thank you, I will absolutely be specific and truly honest about how serious this is to me

 

[garak71]

@charlyrich I think you need to sit down with him and discuss his concerns. Find some sources about successful people who have children and weren't "limited" since it seems like that is a concern for him. If I were you, I would want to know what month you actively are going to try.Talk with him, or even bring him to the doctor, and talk about what goes into trying, what pregnancy looks like, when you'll "get your life back", and the needs of a newborn. Do you think he just wants to be along for the ride compared to you actually wanting to start a family? Its hard to get someone to want kids the same way you do if they don't already feel family-oriented. Talk to him about what he is excited for. Teaching kids his hobbies, helping them with homework, reading to them, etc. Those are the things we are most excited for. Having a baby is only a short time. Soon your kids are independent and you can have all the fun you normally have, on top of watching your kid experience things for the first time and the absolute joy that comes with that. Good luck!

 

[charlyrich]

@garak71 Wow these are all things I never even thought of! He knows absolutely nothing about pregnancy, babies and kids. Maybe he has a very skewed perspective as most people say “you think you’re too busy, wait until you have kids” or other jokes about the negative side to having kids. He’s had no education on the true life of having kids and other perspectives. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! This was so helpful!!

 

[katrina2017]

@charlyrich If he doesn’t know much about pregnancy and babies, this is where you need to start. My husband was kind of the same way - he was super vague as to when we would start and I had to explain to him that you’re not guaranteed to get pregnant right away. There’s only a 3-5 day window of opportunity to get pregnant each month. He listened, but he still didn’t understand. Then he spoke to his best friend who apparently has been trying with his wife since January and it’s been almost 11 months and still no baby. He finally understood which got him to agree to a solid timeline.

 

[cisty]

@charlyrich I've been through this exact scenario and I know it can be really hard to see through how it could be better. It's really hard to hear your partner say something, get super excited, and have them change their mind. I'm sorry that happened as I know how disheartening it can be.

But you know what? He's just as important as you are in this decision making. If he's not ready and he's saying he isn't ready, he is not ready. There is no "putting your foot down" — because this isn't just some random decision, this is bringing a human life into the world. I also don't think, honestly, that running to your mom's for the weekend is the best way to handle it either. I understand the hurt, I really do, but a child should be brought into a relationship that has healthy conflict resolution skills that running off like that just isn't healthy or productive.

There can and should be a discussion that looks along the lines of "I understand if you aren't ready, but it really hurt my hurt when you said that we could try starting ___, but then you changed your mind after having communicated this to me, which meant I was let down again. In the future, could you please be really clear with me about what you mean and not say something unless you really mean it? It'd really mean a lot because you know how important this is to me."

At the end of the day, this is a partnership. This is a decision that is made together. Forcing him into it will make him feel exactly as you're feeling: "completely out of his control."

 

[charlyrich]

@cisty I completely understand and agree

 

[charlyrich]

@cisty OH and when I say “put my foot down” I mean I clearly did not communicate well enough to him how important this is for me. That was poor wording on my choice

 

[cisty]

@charlyrich It's such a bummer but something I've repeated over and over to myself is "I want him to want this and be excited about it too." You got this!! Communication is key

 

[katrina2017]

@charlyrich Ugh I’m so sorry. I would be very upset and pissed off too. What he did was unfair. He’s allowed to change his mind but it’s pretty clear you two are not on the same page. It’s time to have a conversation about a timeline - nothing vague. If he still wants to wait a few more years and that’s a problem for you, then you need to say so. If his ultimate goal is to make you happy, then why is he preventing himself from meeting that goal? If it’s money, then I hate to break it to him, but he will probably never be satisfied with money in regards to a baby. It’s just the reality of the situation. Not having kids will always lead to more money.

 

[charlyrich]

@katrina2017 You put it so perfectly articulated! You nearly have everything I plan to talk to him about. That the way he went about it was extremely hurtful and I cannot emotionally handle another situation like this again. And that we need a timeline! I can’t be lenient on that.

 

[katrina2017]

@charlyrich Good luck!