Having another seems to be an impossible decision to make

[jewels4christ]

My partner and I currently have one child. She is 16 months old and is the best person ever. S/o and I had a deal. If we do not have another child by the time our daughter turns four, s/o will get a vasectomy. We think that it would benefit our daughter to have a sibling with a 2-3 yr age gap. If we go beyond that gap, we agree that we (for lot of reasons) will be one and done. That being said, I’m not sure if having another is the best decision for me or my family. My husband is very eager to start trying and says he feels like our family will be complete after one more.

My daughter was not an easy newborn. The lack of sleep was insane. My s/o struggled postpartum. He was quite depressed until my daughter turned ten months. We fought a lot. He didn’t support me like I needed and he wasn’t getting the help he needed either. He hit a turning point and has been very helpful, supportive, and regretful for what happened. My partner seems to believe it’ll be different next time around. He’s been so much happier, less anxious, and a good father/parter over the last six months but I’m scared of a repeat in events.

I also have a lot to deal with emotionally before adding another child in our family. I really resonate with my daughter, being the first born too. I want to give her the life I didn’t get. I’m scared to have another child and it negatively affecting her. I’m scared that I could never love another child as much as I love my daughter. Long story short, I had a difficult time being the oldest and I worry about my daughter feeling the same way. ALSO the environment and economy right now are not amazing factors when thinking about adding another human on the earth.

I’m stressed because our plan was to start trying at the end of this year since LO turns 2 in December. My husband wants to start trying in August now. We have what feels like such a short amount of time to decide since we want a two-three year age gap. I feel like I just gave birth to my daughter yesterday. Does anyone else have/had a similar experience or feelings? At the end of the day, I have to be the one to decide this but writing this is already helping with the pressure.

Edit: Just wanted to add that I do day dream about having another. I love being a mother and imagine myself with one more a lot. Just can’t shake these feelings/insecurities.

 

[clh72481]

@jewels4christ I would say 100% do not move forward without BOTH of you talking to a therapist and getting to a decision you both agree with. Having a newborn with another child already in the house is not easy. You need to know that your husband IS committed to not only you and the kids but committed to caring for his own mental health so that he can be present. It is absolutely not guaranteed to be better the second time around. If anything, it's more likely to affect him the second time around because he has a history. And personally, I subscribe to the idea that mental health struggles are nobody's fault, but it is their responsibility. So if he won't see a therapist before ttc and having that person as a support through ttc until the baby is older, then I would say no. That would be my deal breaker.

But I think you would also benefit in talking to a therapist because you have common fears or anxieties that need processing. If you work through those and talk to someone about those feelings, you will likely get to a place where the decision becomes clearer for you and you feel ready to move forward with whatever you decide.

Source: I have 3 kids and a fair amount of anxiety and a great therapist and an awesome partner who has his own therapist.

 

[semiday]

@clh72481 “It is absolutely not guaranteed to be better the second time around. If anything, it's more likely to affect him the second time around because he has a history.”

 

[kik899]

@jewels4christ We weren’t sure until our daughter was almost 4. Don’t move forward without you both being aligned, but I’d tell you to let go of the age gap requirement. The pressure you’re putting on yourselves is almost certainly arbitrary unless you’re already 40 or are delaying a necessary medical procedure due to potential pregnancy. I had my first just before I turned 33 and our second will be born just before I turn 38.

 

[doyal]

@kik899 Also not the OP, and also needed to hear this. There’s a lot of pressure to have the perfect age gap. Thank you for the voice of reason!

 

[erickem]

@kik899 Not OP but I needed to hear this, thanks!

 

[lostandbewildered]

@jewels4christ We weren’t sure until our son was almost 3. We also had a very rough time when our son was a baby… and because of that we were OAD for a while. Now we’re ready for a second, but it took pretty much 3 years. Now my son is a bit more independent I feel like we could handle another.

Ideally we’d like to have less than a 4 year age gap but our first few cycles TTC were not successful… so we will probably have a 4 year age gap. I’d say re-evaluate as you go, and see how you feel a bit later. I wouldn’t start TTC until you feel ready for it.

 

[gpanda]

@lostandbewildered I am seriously in the same boat as you. Our son is nearly 3 and it was tough when he was a baby… so tough that I told myself I couldn’t do it again. It was also during lockdown and our circumstances were terrible which has resulted in me having slight PTSD. Now that he’s almost 3, I have this overwhelming feeling to have a second! I’m just so scared that I’ll get back to that depressive state with not only a newborn but with a toddler too! It’s so difficult because you’ll never know how the experience will be until you’re in it. I wish there was a trial run

 

[muya]

@gpanda Same! I had the worst PPD/A/P and spent so long saying never again. Now he’s 3 and I finally know what I was working towards He says I love you every day and it’s great. I am a bit tempted to have another but still worry it will kill me and I won’t be able to be there for 3yo. Husband has been pushing for another for a while.

 

[rezene]

@jewels4christ I’m right there with you, though the gap between my first and potential second would be closer to 4.5-5 years. My daughter just turned 3.5 and recently finished potty training and it’s only now that I’m feeling more certain about wanting another. I had terrible PPD/A and I’m dreading the sleep deprivation, as I know that contributed greatly to my anxiety (and other difficulties I experienced while learning to care for an infant).

I know this is easier said than done, but don’t put so much pressure on yourself about the timing. If you and your husband truly want another, you two have to come to that decision together and be on the same page about any worries you might have about caring for a newborn on top of a toddler/preschooler. You have time.

 

[chosenremnant]

@jewels4christ Be kind to yourself. Give yourself enough time to feel better about it and then come to a decision.