Has anyone been a SAHM during the day while husband is at work and then gone to work in the evenings? How did it work out for you?

@lesbian5eva We did this with our toddler during Covid lockdowns when daycare was closed. I work IT and have a very flexible schedule working from home, but my husband is a sleep tech and had to see patients at the hospital.

It was not good. I was burnt out and perpetually exhausted. He did his best to let me have sleep on the weekend, but that meant that basically nothing else got done. We were in pure survival mode at all times.

If we had tried to do this with a needy infant, and I was still breastfeeding and not able to just spend all of Saturday morning unconscious... I don't think I'd have been able to maintain my performance enough to keep the job. I don't recommend it as a long-term solution. It was miserable.
 
@lesbian5eva I do this currently - husband works 8-5, comes home, we all have dinner, and I work 6:30-8:30 while he handles bedtime, dinner clean up, and any additional chores that need to get done. It is tiring but it’s manageable. We can’t afford daycare, but I also genuinely like being with my kids during the day and appreciate how having a daytime SAHM helps our lives run much more smoothly - I take care of the appointments, sick days, most of the laundry, and my husband can save his sick leave for when he or I get sick rather than having to spend it on kid colds. I would also prefer to be a full time SAHM but the extra money is nice.
 
@lesbian5eva I did something similar to this for 1.5y before having my second child. (Husband worked 8am-4pm, I was working 3pm to 11pm, Monday to Friday, my son was in daycare from 2pm to 6pm -and from 2pm to midnight when my husband was traveling for work).

I WAS EXHAUSTED, physically and mentally. Waking up with my toddler at 6-7am when I had gotten into bed around 1am was intense. I felt like I had zero time to myself either. I was either taking care of my toddler or working. I'm not doing this again after this maternity leave.
 
@lesbian5eva It’s not sustainable.

I work nights as a hospitalist. 7p-7a. 7 days on, 7 off.

When #2 was born, I was getting sooo little sleep during the day. I was averaging 3h sleep on days I worked, IF he had a goooood nap. Otherwise I was basically awake 24:7. We finally hired a sitter to watch him so I can get a decent “nap” during the daytime. So essentially my on days look like this: 7a get off, start getting #1 ready for preschool. Husband takes her to school. Get #2 up, changed, take to sitter. Sleep from 8/9 - at least 3p. Then #1 is home from school, go get #2, and spend time together in afternoon.
 
@lesbian5eva With the limited information I have, I think my choice in your position would be to work 4-7 instead of 6-9 and hire a babysitter for an hour or two per day if you can swing it. You'd still save some money on childcare but it would take some of the burden off of both of you, plus you'd have some time with your partner in the evening. I think not seeing each other until 9pm every day and doing a lot of solo parenting could cause strain in your relationship.
 
@lesbian5eva I am both a therapist and I was a SAHM and honestly this sounds exhausting. By 5pm my brain was spent and I couldn’t imagine seeing clients. What ended up working best for us was me working one day a week seeing clients and husband taking that day off to watch our kiddo.
 
@lesbian5eva I did a version of this. Let me say that the burnout is real. You have to be clear with the spouse on assignments because the mentality for a lot of people is that you are a sahm except your working and that can cause a ton of resentment.
 
@lesbian5eva We’re the opposite. I work in biotech and husband is freelance. We have a 13-month old toddler.

We are burnt. The fuck. Out.

We have another two months of this arrangement where neither of us really ever get downtime or enough sleep, and I’m struggling big time. Eating healthy is out the window, we’re behind on laundry/yard work/housework, and both our fuses are very short.

I will say that husband works from 4-9:30 5 days a week and 12-7:30 one day per week, and I work 6:30-3:00 Monday thru Friday. So our schedules are pretty unforgiving, and you might be okay with 3 hours a day for 4-5 days per week.
 
@lesbian5eva Yes. I ended up really hating it, and was constantly exhausted.

I taught private music lessons from about 3-9 four nights a week. I’d be with my daughter all day, then the sitter would come, and I’d be out the door. I wouldn’t get home till close to ten, couldn’t get to sleep till 11 at the earliest, then was up around five, when I was still nursing, then six when we stopped. I was constantly exhausted, would squeeze in a nap in my studio if I could, then drive home so tired, I felt drunk. I never had anytime to myself until the weekend, and some days would struggle to find time to eat. I actually made a career pivot last year to a hybrid 9-5, and am so much less stressed

Now you’re looking at a lot less hours than I was doing, and will you be remote? It will make all the difference. BUT you may also need to factor in some administrative time during the day as well. Honestly, if you can manage it, and keep your child out of daycare until they’re in the toddler room, it can be worth it. But once they start walking and needing more stimulation, it gets even more exhausting. Plus, if kiddo is in daycare, even part time, you can pick up a few more daytime clients, and still give yourself time to get other things done.
 
@lesbian5eva I do that currently and it’s a lot work but worth it. Day care is expensive and full of germs and I just would rather raise my own kid (absolutely zero shade to users of daycares). My husband and I both work from home and he’s in the process of going back into teaching. We’ll keep our schedule when he’s in a classroom, I can manage the kid while working for a bit.
 
@lesbian5eva Remember that the baby is work too. Figure out an equal routine for night duties. Not gonna lie, it’s gonna suck, you’ll probably get in some dumb arguments, you’re house will be a mess, but also it’s a phase of life that will pass.
 
@lesbian5eva We do this. Except I'm the one with a 8-5.

It can be rough sometimes because almost all our time is solo parenting. But it allows my partner to spend a lot of time with our Nugget and I still get quality time after work. We also save over a grand on child care a month because we can keep baby at home.

It's super important to carve out some time for yourself and for quality time with your partner though. It's so easy to burn out when there just isn't much down time to be had.

Also I WOULD NOT do this with someone who sees their time with the baby as "babysitting" or who doesn't putt their weight in the household. We both get breaks because we care about each others wellbeing. This type of schedule would not work imo without that.
 
@lesbian5eva That’s how my parents did it when I was a kid. My dad worked days, like 6-3 or something like that in a factory, and then my mom worked evenings, either dinner shift waitressing or then she worked at a grocery store
 
@lesbian5eva You would be a part time wfh mom. You are a therapist so im sure i dont have to tell you that you need to communicate with your husband about expectations regarding childcare, housework, and finances. There is no telling how your delivery or newborn stage will go. When will your husband rest and eat dinner after work? When will you? When are you going to spend time together? If you are only seeing 3 clients a day, what about hiring a mothers helper for 3 hours a day instead?
 
@lesbian5eva I’ve never done this but I have gotten a PhD… of course it depends on the discipline but usually getting a PhD is way more flexible than anything else. Is it possible for you each to work essentially part time during the week (and the other parents in that time)? Your partner could do more work on weekends then? Parenting all day and then adding work in the evening seems like a fast way to burnout.
 
@lesbian5eva are you in college town? If so I’d look into hiring one of the students as babysitters or a nanny to watch the baby at least for a few hours a day few days a week (bare minimum) Maybe walk them in a stroller so they are out of the house. I assume this arrangement can be cheaper than a professional nanny and you can arrange around their school schedule.

We had to do shifts few times due to childcare issues and it sucks. everyone is miserable, tired, no break time. Sleep deprivation is a real thing. Focusing on work with crying baby is. It always possible.
 
@brandonlparks This post should have more likes. My husband and I did this for a few years because we had to and it was horrible. My mental health was absolute s*** and my body suffered a lot. My adrenals were completely shot.
 
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