God I hate my 5 year old right now

[poweredbyjesus]

EVERYTHING is an absolute struggle. Going to school? Hell. Going out somewhere. Hell. Going to bed. Don’t even get me started. This twerp is just a rotten asshole right now. Obviously I’d never call him that and that’s why I take pleasure in doing so here in what I’m boldly assuming is a safe space. At what point is this just a ‘phase’ and not ODD or something?

 

[filqwer]

@poweredbyjesus I have a similar child -

Two books:
Raising your spirited child.
The Explosive Child

I bet what's happening is he cannot meet your expectations, even simple ones, and you feel disrespected or like he's being purposefully difficult, and the cycle continues. Easier than changing your child is changing your expectations. (Some of them anyway).

Learning to problem solve WITH your kid is invaluable.

Learning to let go of how we thought our kids would be and accept them as they are is invaluable.

Learning your triggers and remaining calm (but holding necessary boundaries) is invaluable.

Def check out these two books!

 

[4wd]

@filqwer I can recommend "The Explosive Child" as well. I haven't checked the other one, thanks for the mention @filqwer! @ncmom I feel you bro/sis. Same here, every fucking thing is a struggle.

You have to reset your expectations and consider other options etc (which is easier said than done). Lately, all I am thinking is that in the near future, my own will start pulling off the "I'm a grown ass man now" gig and get into real fights, real arguments, without needing me or asking for any kind of advice.

When I think about that, I always find some hidden energy reserves to answer for the XXXth time the same question, go with him to the basement to pick up a toy he forgot or read a 5th book to go to sleep.

They won't be asking us for much longer and then we'll cry for their attention and some quality time with us. Cherish what you have now, it won't always be there. Rest can wait.

Until then, lots of love and hang on. Parenting gig is the hardest there is.

 

[filqwer]

@4wd One thing is that CPS as laid out in dr Greene's book .... Is WORK. It's hard work! It's no quick solution. It's deconstructing your expectations of them and rebuilding slowlyyyy.

That said I'm a better parent for it and it made me confront my own triggers and problem solve on myself as well.

 

[richyc]

@filqwer Yes! Love this

 

[celestineh2o]

@filqwer Piggybacking to also recommend The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. Our child psychiatrist recommended it, even without a diagnosis of ODD, for very similar issues to what OP describes.

 

[filqwer]

@celestineh2o Yes we also read this. it’s very similar to the plan C method from explosive child. Basically, I think raising your spirited child, explosive child, defiant child, have two course things in common. One is a complete reevaluation of your expectations as a parent, and unlearning a lot of subconscious expectations you carry with you from your own childhood, or from movies. and that often we are holding our children to even higher expectations than we hold other adults! Such as controlling emotions, calming down with deep breath’s, using our words when we’re upset. How many times have you were I’ve been stuck in traffic, swearing up a storm, throwing our hands around, banging on the wheel, basically having an adult temper tantrum rather than taking a deep breath. Just one example.

but anyway, I think that’s the first thing that these books all share is a complete deconstruction and rebuilding of what parenthood is supposed to look like. I’m really reevaluating why we have the expectations we have, and what it would look like to change those expectations so that our children are actually able to meet them. Socially in our culture this is sometimes called permissive. So it is actually a lot of work to reevaluate our expectations and our approaches. And a therapist would say that it’s really hard work to unlearn the way that you were raised.

OK and then the second thing they have in common is to drop all expectations that your kid can’t meet, and then slowly rebuild them, but using CPS, which is collaborative problem-solving. Rather than telling your child what to do, you have to actually come alongside them and solve the problem together. This means one earning their trust so that they actually open up to you and share their ideas, and it means not squashing whatever ideas they do have.

And I guess the third thing they have in common is they really emphasize that bad kids aren’t actually bad. They are frustrated, they can’t meet our expectations, and often we as parents are failing to see all the things that are tripping them up. We only see the bad behaviour and we’re too tired, because modern parenting is exhausting, to dig deeper. But all “bad behavior” is communication.

 

[legroom]

@poweredbyjesus Big hugs - this parenting gig is SO hard.

I would say maybe by 7 you will have a clear idea of whether it’s a phase or something behavioural, but you could always go visit your family doctor for a chat.

This might sound silly, but how much one on one time are you having with him per day? Even just 10 min of completely dedicated time where the activity is led by the kid can make a huge difference to some behaviour (we learnt it from the Incredible Years parenting course and it helped for us at the same age, but also our kid is autistic so there was also something making it more challenging). I find giving verbal warnings (maybe in 5 minute increments for 15 minutes) helpful when a task or a change is coming up, too.

Hang in there you’re doing the best you can and that is good enough!