Hi everyone. I posted about this on r/relationships as I want sure where exactly this fit. My friend isn’t comfortable using Reddit and asked me to post for her. She’s considering a fairly unconventional idea so she can fulfill her dream of having children. You can view my other post for additional details regarding her situation. She’s not looking for the judgement of strangers but rather some insight into challenges of parenthood that she should keep in mind while making this decision. Thanks in advance for your help!
@izakmiles I don't think it is a terrible idea, it's 2019 and families come in all shapes and sizes these days. The main thing that would give me pause is the fact that your friend would have to relocate. However, if this is something that your friend is really serious about and she really wouldn't mind living where he is, I would actually recommend that she move before she starts TTC. She should start getting established at a new job and building a support network outside of him before she gets pregnant and living in the same area will make TTC a heck of a lot easier.
Before they decide to go ahead though, they should really make sure they are on the same page on all the big stuff. How far are they willing to go to get pregnant (fertility meds? IUI? IVF?)?Will they do genetic testing during the pregnancy? If so, what kind? What happens if the results show a genetic abnormality? Pregnancy and mat leave costs? Will they circumcise? Will they vaccinate? On the recommended or alternate schedule? Childcare? Religion? Private or public school? What happens if they don't agree on a medical or education decision? Will a professional (ie doctor or teacher) be the tie breaker? Mediation?
These are the kinds of things that can destroy co-parenting relationships if you aren't on the same or at least similar pages and should be considered before they proceed.
Your friend would be leaving any currently established, physically close support system she has. Now I see that her family isn't in her current location nor the new location, so this might not be a huge deal, but she should consider that if things go sour long term, her options to relocate near her family are going to be pretty limited. She should ensure that moving to the potential father's location is a place where she is comfortable really settling down - is she going to be able to find good employment there, is the culture something she finds compatible, is she OK with the weather. Basically, if all hell breaks loose and she finds herself in a contentious co-parenting situation where she's very much single-parenting it, but is required to stay in this location, is she going to be OK? Also, assuming she decides that yes, she is ok with that, I think it is VITAL that she make an effort early and often to establish her OWN support system. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. She should not put herself in a position where she is dependent on this man financially or otherwise (obviously I understand that she's not in a position to fully raise this child as a single parent without financial support, but I'm saying she should be able to handle this financially after accounting for realistic child support, again, worst case scenario).
She needs to consider the reality that future romantic relationships with others could be more difficult given this arrangement. While in a perfect world she and the father would have a close, but very platonic-only co-parenting relationship where new partners by either party would be welcomed with open arms and respected. However, humans are fickle and it doesn't always work out like that. First off, your friend and the potential father don't have a platonic-only relationship, at least not based on what you've described. Also, it could be difficult long term for her to find a partner that is comfortable with this relationship as well as who the father is comfortable with, and where neither man feels "left out." I'm sure the potential father has no interest in just being a "stand in dad" until your friend finds someone else to be with long term and raise this child with (I'm not accusing your friend of doing so either). Same for the potential father - he could have issues in his romantic life. Its not realistic to assume that either parent would remain single, and while your friend and the potential father may work together great and be able to have a fantastic co-parenting situation, it would be naive to assume that a new partner for either of them would mesh with the group quite so nicely. Its easy for either of them to say now, today, that they would never get into a relationship with someone who didn't fully accept the co-parenting relationship/situation, but life changes, people change.
Assuming your friend and her friend decide to go through with this, I would strongly advise them to set up a co-parenting plan in advance, and then file it with the family court system upon the child's birth. This is so that in the event things don't go as smoothly as originally anticipated, they have something to fall back on that they agreed to at a time when they really liked each other. They do not need to follow the parenting plan that is filed with the court so long as they are both agreeing to not do so in the moment. No, its not a surefire guarantee either to keep things from getting ugly, but it provides at least a temporary parenting plan to fall back on. They should also find a family therapist who they like to help them keep tabs on their relationship during this process. Lastly, they really need to make sure they are on the same page in terms of the "big" stuff when it comes to parenting. They should not assume based on their prior interactions that they are on the same page. There are lists of questions to ask/things to discuss before having a child. They should review those THOROUGHLY and try to find any potential "deal breakers."
@isaiah9six Thank you so much. I’ve sent this response on to her. We’ve chatted about future romantic prospects and leaving her support network/employment behind as two major considerations, but I think you articulated them with a fresh perspective that is very helpful. Thank you very much for your lens on this. I know it will help her make an informed decision and formulate a solid plan moving forward.
