Factors that contributed to your OAD decision

[walid373]

36 y.o. married female with an 18 month old son. Husband is 42. Son was an IVF baby. We have 1 embryo in storage.
I would like to use it. Husband is pretty much OAD.

What factors came into play when making your decision to only have 1 child?
Or is there anyone in this group that actually ended up having another one? Lol

Please help me decide! I know it's a very personal decision but I just have no idea whether we should or shouldn't.

My husband is coming from a place of wanting to travel in the near future but is refusing to travel with 2 little kids.

I guess if I used this embryo and it didn't take for some reason, I would still be content with just our son, but I keep thinking why did IVF give us 2 good embryos to use it we're only meant to have 1 child. Hmmm

 

[scientartist]

@walid373 shouldihaveanother is another great place for this discussion!

Personally, newborn phase, didn’t want another, only have bandwidth for one, love my career, the further we get from the baby years the less we want to go back to square one.
Maybe donate that embryo to a family in need if you do go OAD? Unsure how that works!

 

[walid373]

@scientartist Oh thank you, I didn't know that sub existed

 

[lidarenee]

@walid373 I’m a perfectly happy only child myself and my husband has zero relationship with his sister, so we don’t feel that my daughter would have a better life with a sibling at all.

I don’t want to have to do that first baby year again (and with a toddler this time), take another mat leave, go through another pregnancy and delivery where so many things can go wrong, be sleep-deprived for months, etc.

We both work and don’t want to have to split our already limited family time further and give our current child any less attention.

If we have two children, it would be harder to provide them both with all the material stuff we’d like to be able to (from university tuition on down to summer camps, teams and lessons, trips, etc.) and affect our early retirement plans.

I feel like I’m a good mom to my current child, but I just don’t feel confident in my ability to be as competent with two children. I feel maxed out on my ability to take good care of everything in my life right now (child, husband, dog, job, home, etc.)

 

[elisvac]

@lidarenee You’re spelling out exactly how I feel. I never felt like I missed out on having a sibling.

We’re in a HCOL area in NY with two good careers and no matter how we play with the numbers, having a second would be a financial struggle. We don’t have a village to help this time around (my mom passed 30 years ago and my dads very ill, husbands parents had COVID last year and are still involved but less so), so it’s just us. Plus my maternity leave is unpaid.

My dad never made the best financial decisions and now I’m feeling the affects of having to care for him (both financially and time wise) since he didn’t plan for retirement. Having a 2nd for us would require stopping putting aside for our own retirement, and I just couldn’t do that to our son knowing the pressure it might put on him in the future.

We’re also finally in a good balanced place as partners / parents / career wise.

 

[benjammin13]

@walid373

I keep thinking why did IVF give us 2 good embryos to use it we're only meant to have 1 child. Hmmm

You can't really view it this way though. Embryo =/= (does not equal) living baby. An embryo is a chance of a baby, not a guarantee.

I went through IVF too and our first transfer was our best quality embryo and I miscarried. I've had IVF friends who have miscarried multiple times. Unfortunately an embryo is never a guarantee, no matter the quality.

 

[walid373]

@benjammin13 Yes I know what you mean, I guess I meant ... We have it there, we may as well transfer to see what happens instead of disposing or donating etc.

 

[benjammin13]

@walid373 Just keep in mind that an embryo can split and can become a multiple. It's not as common, but it can happen. So if you're absolutely not okay with twins or triplets that's something to consider.

We have four embryos left and are undecided, but it's looking more and more like we are OAD and it's a mix of not really by choice and also a bit by choice.

I almost died after giving birth (postpartum preeclampsia with severe features) and was hospitalized for an additional 8 days after my son went home and that was hell and I was really sick for six months afterwards. A few specialists are still conferring about whether or not I should go for another child given what happened to me. Age is a factor too - I'll be 40 this year. I really want one or two more kids but my postpartum journey was so hard and I'm scared. The economy is another factor. Life in Canada is atrociously expensive.

It's so hard to be in limbo. I actually find the decision to have another or not is more difficult than the decision to be child free or not.

 

[tuckertwo]

@walid373 I literally have a list of 30+ reasons that I keep in my phone so I can refer back to it if the baby fever kicks in.

• We get to have an office/spare bedroom
• Cheaper - more money for travel, gifts, and activities. And we can save more for son's future.
•One on one focus in homeschool education
•Easier to find someone to watch our son, less for a sitter to worry about.
•More time to ourselves and our individual hobbies
•Less work raising one = less stress for us
•Never have to be pregnant, postpartum, or lactating ever again
•Only have to go through the rough phases once
•Easier to go places with a 2:1 parent to kid ratio
•Unlimited love and attention for our son, we can develop a greater bond
•We can focus better on every moment with our son
•Only one car seat (we got a convertible one)
•Only one kid to care for when sick
•Don't have to split benefits between children. One child gets all. No drama in the will.
•Only one sleep deprivation phase
•No conflicting schedules between kids
•No conflict between kids in general
•Friends have kids around our son's age that he can grow up with, and I can invite them over and send them home whenever I want if I want more kids in the house
•Almost everything was bought at a reduced price/second hand. We already got bang for our buck even if we only have one.
•Plane seating is in rows of 3.
•We are choosing to give our child healthy, happy parents instead of a sibling.
•Laundry and dishes are already ridiculous, having another person's laundry and dishes to do would be completely out of hand all the time
•Having another will not make me more of a mom, but it can make me less of a mom
•I don't want a second as much as I wanted my first, and that wouldn't be fair to the second child
•Once we are out of the SIDS phase, we won't have to worry about it again
•I am stressed enough worrying about one child.
•I can't think of a reason why I SHOULD have another
•I am mostly struggling with the idea of not having a second because I will never have a baby again once my son grows up, but I know I shouldn't have another child just because I want a little baby again because that one won't stay a baby either
•This country (US) is getting increasingly unsafe. I don't want to bring another human into the world who has to deal with it.
•I love my son so much that the idea of being preoccupied with another needy human and not being able to spend time with him whenever I want breaks my heart.
•Postpartum depression was rough, and I don't want to put myself, my husband, my child, and another child through that again.
•I lost a LOT of blood during delivery and had complications. I don't want to risk making 2 children motherless and my husband wifeless.
•My son is the easiest kid ever. We struck gold with him and we don't want to intentionally make things harder for ourselves.

 

[kathyjenkins]

@tuckertwo I've also saved this and put it in my phone. Much more extensive than my previous list!

 

[elisvac]

@kathyjenkins Same!

 

[teachermomto3]

@tuckertwo The “airplane seats are in row of three” got me

 

[qunle]

@tuckertwo The point about not having a baby again since the second won't stay a baby forever either -- too true, right? I would be prolonging the baby phase of my life, which has a strong emotional appeal since it's been so precious and dear a chapter, but it's just that. A phase.

 

[katrina2017]

@tuckertwo I am screenshotting this bc baby fever SUCKS but I cannot deal with pregnancy again

 

[graceelaaaa]

@walid373 Money, mental health, possibilities of what we could offer only one child like time and attention

 

[hugoeisenhour]

@graceelaaaa Yes to all of these. Particularly money.

Increasing cost of living is a major factor for us. Financially, would we be okay with more than one? Maybe. But neither my husband and I want to be just “okay”, we want to give our son opportunities we wouldn’t be able to with 2+, like holidays or access to extra curriculars like sports.

 

[ken405]

@graceelaaaa Same, we have a 529 setup for our son. I'm still paying back my own education. There is no way we could finance college for more than one kid.

Also, we enjoy going out and doing things. I know plenty of families with multiple kids go out just fine, but we don't want to deal with all that. My mental tank drains so quickly already.

 

[fullcircle]

@walid373 Quite a few reasons but a big one was our marriage. We got together young and had a fantastic relationship. Super affectionate and we were each other’s best friend. 8 months after having a baby I was looking up divorce lawyers. We worked hard to get back to that type of relationship and we’re great now but I don’t want to risk that again. We were shocked by how much a baby changed things. I also had PPD and PPA and I never ever want to experience that again. I don’t think I could give my daughter the love and attention she deserves if my mental health got that bad again.

 

[rmh716]

@fullcircle This... sometimes I am on the fence, but I always say I would rather have only 1 child in a family that stays together, than to have 2 children with 2 homes.

 

[calebminson]

@walid373 My preschooler still has sleeping issues. I'm tired!