Ex taking son to Disney for birthday

[garrywhite1123]

@vescd Of course! And yeah just a lil nerdy bitch over here

 

[treehouse]

@vescd It sounds like your gf needs to update her mentality or needs to be in a relationship with a single person and not a parent. She wants to dictate and control not only your household, but your son’s other household. She sounds pressed bc your ex wife is taking your son to Disney first and not y’all.

 

[vescd]

@treehouse Correct, which is why I suggested therapy.

 

[hetherington]

@vescd Hey, I’m a childless stepmom and yes therapy is important but please don’t underestimate YOUR ability to impact her as well. And your ability to open your eyes to all the angles of this situation.

It’s not a good sign that she said she doesn’t think she needs therapy (per your comment elsewhere)

But we ladies who are dating or committed to men who have children are constantly “put in our place”and those of us who are childless do still have hopes and dreams for our potential future families!! We are not just a cog in your family. We want to be a main player somewhere, anywhere. Yet we know full well that we are second with the stepkids.

Please don’t make her feel second in your relationship. Ask her feelings. Ask her what she Ms not telling you about why Disney sounds like a bad idea to her. Is it possible she’s grieving the loss of the option to take the kid first herself? Or grieving the fact that now when you and she take any future bio kids to Disney, it won’t be the first time for everyone?

These are the things that stepparents or potential stepparents are surprised they feel, are guilty for feeling them, and ware treated like shit for feeling. But really they just need to feel like YOU are a TEAM with them in this journey to form relationships and family. That you hear how they are impacted. That you can see losses they feel, experience, and even choose, because of a child they didn’t create.

 

[hetherington]

To be clear - Be very careful with this woman. If she won’t do therapy and if she only wants to draw lines without discussing them with you or being flexible… she is not ready to be in this role.

Doesn’t mean she can’t be the love of your life. But she would need time and growth. You, the hypothetical love of her life, come with a whole different breed of hardship if anybody’s expectation is that she mother/parent/love your child - could be coming from you, herself, or society. My friend, this is not for the weak. Good luck.

 

[blogxaydung]

@vescd Your kid just wants to hang out with his parents. Don’t let ya girl get in your head it sound like she may be insecure in this issue generally

 

[nnhust]

@vescd So I just wanted to add my little bit of advice/support here as a stepmom to a boy who is now 10. I feel that being a stepparent is just incredibly difficult sometimes for really complex reasons that I don’t always understand. Like sometimes I just feel like I’m expected to be a parent to this child who I also feel like I have so little say in how he’s being patented and it’s just a really difficult dynamic to navigate. So maybe just give your girlfriend a little bit of understanding there and try talking to her about why she feels the way she does. Sometimes it’s nice just to know my husband cares about hearing my perspective even if he doesn’t really agree with it. Also want to mention that I think age 6-8 was some of the hardest years with my stepson. It’s a weird age for kids as they transition from little kid to big kid and I think my stepson has become a lot easier to talk to in the last year.

 

[vescd]

@nnhust Thank you so much!!!

 

[corumab]

@vescd I’m planning a Christmas Disney trip in 2026. As in, both of my kids will be gifted the trip on Christmas and we will leave a few days later. My kids will be 6 and 2. I don’t see a problem with gifting a trip for a holiday or birthday as long as you make it clear that this is a very special thing and only possible because of a specific reason (bonus, large tax refund, lots of saving, inheritance, etc). Like, just set clear expectations that it won’t be happening every year. If son throws a Dudley Dursley-style fit the following year, simply remind him “we were only able to do that because x. If this is how you’re going to act about not getting that or something better this year, we won’t be going out of our way to do big things like that for your birthday in the future and we’ll just save the extra money for other things instead.”

 

[vescd]

@corumab Exactly how my girlfriend views it and now I just want to verify that’s how my ex was going to portray it as well

 

[tonyaclark1]

@vescd My son and I, and now my current husband and our daughter, are all Disney passholders. I’ve been taking my son to Disney since he could barely walk, before and after his father left our family. We go almost monthly. He’s 9 and I can tell you with certainty that he does not resent his father in any way because he’s never taken him to Disney. They do other things together that fulfill whatever that piece is in their relationship. I get Disney can seem like a big deal to a lot of families, especially those that don’t have access to it like others, but you guys don’t have to mimic everything his mom does. That can be their thing, and it doesn’t make whatever you do for him any less special. It’s just different.

 

[jada11]

@vescd Why would your childless girlfriend have a vote in anything your ex does? She doesn't know how to parent, she doesn't know your kid as much as you and your ex, and she's not part of your co-parenting agreement. You don't even have a say in what your ex does for birthdays, your gf certainly doesn't. And, as you don't seem to agree with your gf anyway, isn't the question something more like "how do I shut my gf down on this?"

 

[vescd]

@jada11 Exactly I can hear looking for some clarity. Thank you!

 

[heavenlyfaith]

@vescd Kids don’t think that way. Kiddo will be happy with whatever you do each year no matter what

 

[ctoss]

@vescd Out of everything, the most alarming thing you said was that your GF thinks your son is a bad kid. My brother once had a GF like that. He was the custodial parent of his daughter, mom was very unreliable when his daughter was young but improved a lot in the span of 10 years. Anyway, what ended up happening was his GF would go out of her way trying to convince my brother that his daughter wasn’t as good a child as he thought. It was constant. Like she was desperate for him to see his daughter as problematic. I would straight up witness the GF baiting my niece into an outburst so GF could say “See? She’s not so perfect after all”. We all spent a lot of time with our families at my mothers summer lake house. As soon as my brother left, to go do whatever, and GF was in charge of my niece, she’d have my niece crying and “in trouble” within 30 minutes. She caused a lot of emotional damage in my niece. My brother finally wised up and broke up with her. GF was otherwise a good match for my brother and had many positive qualities. But her attitude towards my niece was eventually a deal breaker. Take this as a cautionary tale.

 

[vescd]

@ctoss I appreciate it, unfortunately that thought has crossed my mind and I’m trying my best to balance everything while maintaining my own mental health. I care deeply about my loved ones and don’t want to hurt anyone. I want them all on the same page.

 

[woznotk]

@vescd Your gf sounds like she’s jealous of your kid

 

[candycane088]

@vescd Sounds like you and mom have good heads on your shoulders. Sounds like the girlfriend you have is young and naive in an experience sort of way. I’m younger than her by a year but people my age without kids are very immature especially when it comes to kid issues. I can’t vent to them like I can other parent friends.

 

[vescd]

@candycane088 I agree. I try to see it from her point of view but I truly don’t think she can understand until she has a child of her own.

 

[geekfreak]

@vescd I’d for sure have a conversation over whether this will be the norm, or if it’s just a big year kind of gift.

That just helps to set expectations in terms of communication with your ex and with kiddo.

Will your child still get a birthday party?

Maybe that could be the trade off if your ex plans to do big elaborate trips for his birthday.

I love how happy you truly are for your child though. That’s huge and not a lot of people have great relationships like this.