Ex and his fiance are making me feel like a shit parent

[joannad]

This is gonna be kind of rambling, bear with me, I dont have a support system and need some support/advice and just somewhere to vent.

Visitation schedule: weekdays with me, weekends with dad. (did this originally because he complained that he didn't know how to deal with commuting and doing daycare during the week...)

So, I'm a single mom, definitely not perfect and sometimes just too tired to constantly fight every battle with my kids. I get a huge amount of judgement from ex and his fiance. I also only talk to the fiance cause my ex refuses to even talk to me, so it's hard to say who is saying what, but it doesn't really matter since he gives her free reign over our communication.

So my kids are very independent, they are 7 and 4 and they have been dressing themselves for forever. Every now and then one of them is stubborn and insists on wearing something i would rather them not wear, but if it's a rushed morning and we've gotta get out the door I'll just say screw it lets go.

I picked my kids up yesterday, and this morning my youngest wanted to wear the same shirt from yesterday, and I just let him cause in my mind "who cares". Well my ex and his gf met us at basketball practice and saw the same shirt on him. My ex said "ew, gross" and I replied with, "well he wanted to wear it again" exes fiance says "well I wouldnt have let him. "

So first off, ex is obviously judging me in front of kids, and second, the fiance is openly telling me how to parent my kids.

So I know this sounds silly, but this is just an example of how this co-parenting works. I'm consistently considered a bad mom, my kids come home telling me that Jordan (their "step mom") says I don't feed them healthy foods (which is only partially true, I don't have a perfect diet but it's pretty balanced outside of the occasional fast food, in which I only allow the least greasy and gross foods, and I know our house has 0 treats and all snacks are very healthy) and that I spoil them, don't make them do enough chores, don't keep the house clean enough. None of that is 100% wrong, but I'm also a single mom who works 50 hours a week.

Anyway, I guess through my rambling I'm trying to
1. Get support or even criticism if I'm completely wrong and just whining
2. Maybe get some advice on how to either confront the situation or just how to accept that this is just how it will be

Also, no idea why my ex won't talk to me...he left me, cheated on me, and said he wants the kids on weekends and wants to pay child support instead of splitting custody... So yeah, this is just frustrating. But the lack of communication did start after he started paying child support.

 

[dw1989]

@joannad Your ex is a jerk. He knows it and is projecting his self loathing on to you. He won't speak to you because it triggers his guilt. He let's the new gf do all the talking with you because it supports that agenda. The ex and new gf have nothing better to do than obsess about you and your household? Feel sorry for them and go on living your fabulous life. You are winning mama. Hugs.

 

[joannad]

@dw1989 Yeah I do have times when I feel bad, my life has improved massively and he now has 2 step kids full time... I'm pretty well off and lucky lol

 

[bluecoke541]

@joannad Hey mama, stop caring what they think and be easier on yourself. You are doing ALL the heavy lifting. All of it. It’s really easy for people to sit on the sidelines and judge and that is exactly what your ex is doing. They are watching you do al the hard day in and out parenting while they get the easy uncle dad weekend stuff. I’d like to see what they would do with a solid week of parenting. Probably would be complete chaos.

I know it’s hard, but tune them out. No one does better while listening to constant criticism. You are doing great. You are doing the real parenting!!!

At some point, if you have the funds, I’d try to renegotiate your custody agreement. It sounds like you never get “fun” days with your kids and that isn’t fair. If your ex can’t handle school year stuff, maybe try for him getting every other weekend during the school year and then maybe a solid month during the summer.

 

[katrina2017]

@bluecoke541 Something tells me the fiancé doesn’t have kids. Lol.

I would “force” the kids on them a whole week, but I don’t know if these people have the capacity to understand how tough it can be.

Agree, she needs some fun days.

I said my kid would never eat fast food. Well he had his first happy meal at 1. Now at 15, fast food happens several times a week.

 

[joannad]

@katrina2017 She has 2 kids, but she has a TON of help from her family, daycare isnt a thing, and my ex helps take care of them when he is on his rotating schedule. She doesnt work til 9 and doesn't work full time...

 

[joannad]

@bluecoke541 That's what's frustrating, they aren't around while I try and get my kids up at 6am and ready for daycare, or when I get home at 5:30 and have to get homework, dinner, cleaning and as much quality time as possible before bedtime.

 

[lorre]

@joannad Oh I feel you. I feel you to my core

I would say don't let it get to you but they are just adding volume to that voice in your head that says you are not good enough, that voice we all have, especially single parents.

There is no need for confrontation, it won't do any good. Just vent to adults now and then keep on keeping on.

 

[joannad]

@lorre Yeah I had to post on here otherwise I'd probably my just internalize it and feel like shit even more. So frustrating doing everything on my own - and none of my friends have kids or ex husband's lol

 

[esoteric55]

@joannad I have no good advice but I feel this post to my core and just know you definitely aren’t alone.

 

[vavas]

@joannad Your ex sounds like a bully.
But your kids will make up their own ideas. I think you should express reasons with your ex in a way that your kids could pick up and use in the future.

If he is belittling you infront of them, then they can hear. And as a child raised in a passive aggressive home I can tell you I always heard it and sided with my mom.

So ex, if your child wore the shirt two days in a row. Say “it’s okay he loves it.” Or say “the shirt isn’t dirty and it makes him happy”

Because that’s true, you aren’t doing it to be negligent or lazy. As a single mom we have several things we gotta do before we leave the door. Someone who doesn’t have to deal with kids all day everyday wouldn’t know what that looks like. That’s why it’s hard for him to fathom and sympathize.

They are projecting themselves onto you. If I didn’t have my kids during the week, I wouldn’t have bags under my eyes and I’d be a morning person.

 

[joannad]

@vavas Yeah I'm very careful with how I talk around my kids and especially around them. I did say that almost exactly - "well he wanted to wear it so I didnt mind." My boys pick up on their dad being a bit mean, they always tell me what is said at dads house. I just respond with " well as long as you guys are happy, I'm happy, I don't mind what they say" and they always say that I'm I'm a good mom so oh well lol

 

[vavas]

@joannad Yes, anyway that you respond is how they’ll learn to respond. To anything or anyone. I don’t suggest confronting your ex and his fiancé tho. They seem very entitled to their belief that they’re better than you.And I don’t see how a good conversation can come from it.

With CoParenting it seems like one parent is always the fun one and one is the disciplinary one.

Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t let them know or think that what they think of you effects you.

 

[gegeez22]

@joannad It’s really hard to remember that you have to be the bigger person in all of this. Whenever I don’t agree with something my SD’s mom says, I politely explain to Daughter that there are different rules in our two houses - some of these rules overlap and some don’t. If Bio Mom says something mean about her dad, my husband, I tell her that doesn’t sound very nice and that we don’t talk about people who aren’t there. I don’t compare our actions to hers - I.e. I don’t say we don’t talk about people like mom does. We just say that’s not what we do. If Bio Mom brings up adult issues that cause SD to worry, we tell her all she needs to worry about is having fun. If Bio Mom disagrees with something we do that is fine for SD (the type of shampoo we use, for example) we ask SD what she wants, not what we want, not what mom wants. Unfortunately, many things will be out of your hands when coparenting and we are hoping that as she grows, SD will be able to distinguish the truth and how you should handle these kinds of relationships.

 

[joannad]

@gegeez22 Yeah I'm pretty calm about it to my kids - they hear the "different rules at different places" a lot, and "mommy doesn't mind what they say, it doesnt hurt my feelings, so don't let it bother you". They're no dumb though so it's hard to navigate they're questions, but I think I'm pretty neutral about it and good at praising their dad and step mom (way more than they deserve lol).

 

[gegeez22]

@joannad I feel you there lol sometimes I would loooove to be bitter and throw in my two cents. We can only hope that they will grow to be savvy enough to see the classy, right ways to handle two colliding lifestyles.

 

[trying1tohelp1]

@joannad My ex will only talk to my husband, unless he wants to berrate me, talk down to me, or call me racist. He also likes to complain that I "keep our son" away from him, mostly because I'm suuuuuper racist.

I smile my best smile. Then I tell him that if he wants to do a better job parenting, he can move closer to his son and enjoy 50/50 parenting. I believe I have said exactly: "put on your big boy panties and be a real parent." When I am feeling super petty, I will send him real estate listings in the area. Condos I know he can afford, 2 bedroom houses, town homes.

All because I know he will never move closer to his son. He doesnt want to actually be anything more than a fun uncle, Disneyland dad. He will never leave his parents. He's an insecure little man-child and he is projecting his own insecurities into me, because he thinks I'm an easy target and it gets under my skin.

He threatens to take me to court, I smile and say I will wait patiently to get served. I have documented every single argument we've ever had, and have proof that he's working under the table so he doesnt have to pay me more in child support.

He tells me he might have a wife and kids where he lives, to justify not wanting to pay his portion of our son's private school tuition. I smile and say I would love to meet them. Then I remind him that I'm covering 75% of tuition and I dont have nearly as many degrees as he does.

He tells me I'm too hard on our son and he shouldnt be in trouble this time, or has too many chores, or too high of expectations or too many restrictions. I smile and tell him to move down here and parent for real, then we can discuss how to parent.

You deserve fun days with your kids too. They deserve hard days with your kids too.

 

[joannad]

@trying1tohelp1 Yes, locations is a huge problem. He agreed to stay in the city he was in, and I agreed to move there, but hegot a job in a different city and moved there after I had already got a job in our original city we agreed on. Now he doesn't even pick the boys up from school or let them stay the night on school nights (even though I encourage it) because the 35!!! The minute* drive is inconvenient.