The fiance wants security

[ashleykimbroughmusic]

@cloveerforever Minimum income demands, regulating how you spend your time and not trusting you to have a drink after a hard day are all big red flags for me. Very likely you’ll never be able to meet her expectations as she’ll just keep upping them. Find someone who loves you for you, not who they want you to be.

 

[cloveerforever]

@ashleykimbroughmusic I've been think this quite a bit. It's crazy that the most pragmatic advice for me has been coming from this thread. Thanks.

 

[john20761]

@cloveerforever WTF. Those conditions are ridiculous.

75k per year (you wrote per month but I assume this to be a mistake) not enough? Really? The average income per person in Canada is around 50k but it’s very region specific, which means people in a lot of regions make way less than that. So you’re already doing way better than most.

I don’t know how to solve this but I would never stay with a person who puts money (and especially with such unrealistic expectations) above companionship and family building. I ain’t anybody’s sugar daddy.

 

[cloveerforever]

@john20761 Thanks man, pulling me into a better place.

 

[john20761]

@cloveerforever I feel like you are in a very unhealthy place. Money isn’t worth suffering for. You’re not a bum and you have a good income. Either redefine the expectations or get out of there.

 

[cloveerforever]

@john20761 You're reflecting my family's sentiment. Good to hear it from a third party.

 

[lorii]

@cloveerforever Yeah for what it’s worth OP she should love you for who you are. Not what you make or anything related to that. If any person says they love you for that, than that’s probably not a person you want to keep around. Don’t get me wrong either, I believe as a man, husband, father, there’s an instinctual need to provide and I would encourage you to do your best. All that being said, if my math checks out she’s making 45k CAD a year. I’d say if it means that much to you, why don’t you work a little harder here to get us to where you believe we need to be financially. I’d also make her outline why you getting to 100k is going to make a difference lifestyle-wise. Maybe if you make her break it down for you she will see that she sounds a little cray cray

 

[cloveerforever]

@lorii I could do better but after the past two years I'm exhausted and have trouble finding motivation. I'm currently leaning towards leaving her, based on everything I've been hearing feeling and reading.

 

[lorii]

@cloveerforever I hope you can find a solution that works, I really wish you the best of luck with all of it. If your business is something you are passionate about than I would absolutely stick with it. Life will run you over if you let it so do whatever you have to do to recharge and motivate yourself. I completely understand how that feels be exhausted and unmotivated. As corny as it sounds on my darkest days I flip on Jimmy Vs speech. Find what makes you tick and keep fighting the good fight.

 

[texanincali]

@lorii Jimmy V once a year at minimum. Like clockwork!

 

[cloveerforever]

@lorii Thanks. It's ridiculous how these good words help.

 

[abenign1]

@cloveerforever If you don't mind me asking, how old is your kid? I ask because my wife also had PPD, and holy shit the first year of my daughter's life almost broke us. This isn't to make excuses but maybe to somewhat put her behaviour into context, but my wife turned into a different, and honestly not very nice, person for some time because of it. I hit points where I thought I was going to lose everything because of it, and I genuinely mean everything.

Like you, this had a knock on effect on my own mental health. Now my kid is 2 and I've gone through my own work/financial issues (team redundancies, my job relocated), a simultaneous pregnancy loss, and the general weight of carrying our family emotionally and financially for so long, I recently found myself at the point of almost complete mental breakdown. I'm now trying to get help as well. As an aside, my counsellor says that depression in partners of those with PPD is incredibly common - you aren't alone.

The good news is that, with time, my wife's mental health and our relationship returned back to normal as she returned to work and our daughter started daycare (at around 14 months for us). She's been very supportive of my own need to fix myself recently, and is almost off meds herself and happy.

I'm not writing that to show off, but to say that there is potentially light at the end of the tunnel if you are both prepared to work on yourselves and your relationship. I agree with what others have said, that the demands placed on you have been absolute BS, but where I differ maybe is assuming that those demands come from someone in their right mind. Having been through the 'partner with PPD' thing, I've seen how crazy it can drive a good person, and think there's a good chance the person you loved and fathered a child with will come back to you given time.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck. Please don't suffer in silence, whether it's seeking professional help or just ranting on here. You aren't alone. What you are going through is incredibly isolating and upsetting, but one way or another there are brighter days ahead for you.

 

[irishcanadian402]

@cloveerforever This is the reddist of all red flags.

A woman that demands a certain salary from her partner is only there for the money and nothing else.

You are a walking wallet.

Live for yourself. Put food on hers and the babies plate. Love the baby unconditionally, do what makes you comfortable and happy.

You will lie on your deathbed and say "I had the worst life, I slaved away every day and it was never good enough because she demanded I give more than I was able"

Know your worth, king.

 

[q1108]

@cloveerforever Little bit of a different take on this than a lot of comments. I don’t think this is black and white. I agree with everyone that her minimum income demand is just not at at all something I would want in a partner, and it tells you a lot about your compatibility with her.

But not wanting you to drink liquor when you have a family history of alcoholism and an apparent willingness to use alcohol as a coping mechanism, is not a bad thing in itself at all. In fact she probably has a point. She’s probably not going about it the right way, combining it with the income messaging and all but yeah you probably should be extremely careful with alcohol (I have a deep family history with alcohol, so believe me, this comes from a place of empathy).

And on the gaming front, none of us know your situation. I know a lot of dads on here like to game but we don’t know how it’s affecting your other responsibilities to her, your work, etc. Only you know that. Gaming can be a problem, I’ve seen it many times. Not saying it is here, more saying none of us know enough to say she’s wrong.

 

[cg37]

@cloveerforever Her wanting a minimum amount is insane. Giving ultimatums if there's not a problem is also insane. Are you sure you love her? And no video games? Why the fuck?

 

[hungryheartsministries]

@cloveerforever Dude, get out. Keep your videogames and your own income.

 

[hope122213]

@cloveerforever FYI my partner told me that her hormones will continue to be batshit crazy until she stops breastfeeding.
If your partner is breastfeeding then this could be the cause of her temporary madness.
Hang in there mate, it will get better (I fucking hope it will for me anyway)

 

[odeltaple]

@cloveerforever I think there’s more to this story than we’ve been told.

 

[sofialo09]

@cloveerforever No liquor is a very smart rule for you. I think you should be totally sober. Alcoholism in the family? Using alcohol to cope? Your sobriety is your top priority.

Go to marriage counseling and really work at it. There's a compromise on the money end of things.

It would be really silly to leave because of income pressure without really trying counselling first. If you think you're under money pressure now, wait until you go through a divorce - divorce is rarely the solution to financial problems.

 

[maggiev627]

@sofialo09 You’re making lots of assumptions for OP, and you’re also completely ignoring the rest of his post. OP’s partner is engaging in some abusive behaviors, focusing solely on his alcohol use is doing him a disservice.

OP, abstaining from alcohol may very well be a wise choice, given your familial history of alcohol abuse. But you’re the one who should be making that choice-not strangers on social media.