The fiance wants security

[katrina2017]

@maggiev627 The entire thread is running on huge assumptions to give feedback. You yourself are assuming OP is writing a perfect historic description of events. We do not get the spouses version. We can’t even validate where the story is coming from.

 

[maggiev627]

@katrina2017 That’s very true, we can only work on what we’re reading in the post. Perhaps my initial critique is unfair.

 

[cloveerforever]

@sofialo09 Yeah, that's been at the back of my mind as the majority of the cash invested into the assets in our relationship have been mine built up over the past 20 years.

I don't usually drink, so it's abnormal for me to drink and it's only because I don't know how Else to escape my situation of failure to meet expectations.

 

[blandaw]

@cloveerforever There's better way to escape and blow off some steam. Hit the gym or do some long distance cardio shit. Push yourself and then hit the shower - thr hangover from a big workout is nothing like the hangover from a drink session

 

[sofialo09]

@cloveerforever You're not a failure. Go to marraige counselling. Your wife needs to compromise - the income pressure is too much.

I don't think you should drink at all. Next time you feel the urge to drink, instead set yourself up with some talk therapy of your own. You need the support.

 

[cloveerforever]

@sofialo09 Turns out me being depressed is a "tantrum" as per our couples counseling. Guess I was wrong. And she's justified in the cash ultimatum. I could see it as a cultural thing. As both our councilor and her are Mexican women.

 

[jogenie]

@cloveerforever It's not strange of a partner to want (financial) security. I was just wondering, what line of business are you in? Because generally, if you make more in fixed employment than as a business owner, you've botched the business part. So I don't know what your history is as a couple surrounding that.

She probably mentions the video games next to alcohol for a reason. Do you have addictive tendencies? If you have, then less or none of either might be better for you.

In the end, you're in it together. You can help each other earn more by helping each other look and prepare for career opportunities and earn more. Also, less desirable traits you'll have to face together, like addictive tendencies. But just restricting one another is probably a reflex out of some fear and might not be very helpful. You both might need some couples counseling and empathy at this moment to help you out if this.

 

[cloveerforever]

@jogenie I don't have addictive tendencies. I'm drawn to video games as a "soother" as per my denial to them as a kid. Therefore I always resort to video games as an escape when there are aspects of my life that are out of my control. If I am still denied them I resort to drinking...

When I'm in a good place in my life I rarely do both. But as it stands the more resistance I get to them the more I pursue them.

I've told her this but she believes it's a " get over it and be a man issue" as I see it, it's a "I have no control... kamikaze!!!"

 

[radicalmonk]

@cloveerforever That's absolutely toxic, you're not a robot. Nobody earns $75k pa and raises a family stress free, everyone needs an outlet. The drinking part I can understand her sensitivity to but ultimately it doesn't mean you're the person she's scared you'll turn into.

The man up part is so unhelpful, point her towards suicide stats for men, the age groups it hits hardest, its prevalence as a cause of death within those groups, the reasons men give for feeling stressed/depressed, the sources of stigma that inhibit them from reaching out in times of need. A lot of work has been done around gender stereotypes in the last decade or so, it saddens me that this kind of attitude still blows back on decent, hardworking men.

If I were you i'd put her on her heels, hold a mirror up to her. Tell her you expect her to earn $100k and tell her she cant enjoy the things that allow her to blow off some steam. Stand your ground and do what you think is right, if you buckle under the pressure of a bully you'll increasingly become their victim. If she cries bullshit tell her thats how you feel too and ask her to empathise, meet you in the middle, to hear you out rather than shut you down for trying to solve this.

Lasting relationships are built on trust and co-operation, sounds like she wants to give you nothing and push you to your absolute limits because she's uncomfortable. It's difficult working and raising kids, her abusing you isn't going to help either of you or your child, she needs to snap out of it and address her own issues like you have. It's very clear how mindful and in control you are of your habits and tendencies, how proactive you are in altering your circumstances to benefit your family.

 

[andersa]

@cloveerforever Tbf, the games and the drinking don't sound healthy. But neither is her "quit them cold turkey or I'll leave you" angle. Telling someone to "get over it" never achieved anything.

Everyone deserves support and understanding from their partner, and all relationships involve compromise. Successful relationships are ones in which the couple treat adversity as us-versus-the-problem, not me-versus-you.

 

[meraki]

@cloveerforever Is she pregnant? If it’s a no, might be time to bounce before things get worse. I’m sorry, but that seems completely unreasonable to me.

 

[papilindo]

@cloveerforever Sounds like you don’t have a partner, you have a demanding dictator. You need to talk this out, come up with a solution, or this is never going to work.

Also, $12k x 12 months is a lot more than $100k.

 

[cloveerforever]

@papilindo She wants me to personally make 100k not our shared income.

 

[mishelmi]

@cloveerforever Maybe her expectations are unreasonable and unrealistic? What happens if/when you make the 100k versus 75k, is she going to let you drink and play games again, or is she going to quit her job because you’ll make enough now for her to stay home? She’s 10 years younger than you and you’re talking about her ex that drank, was she married before? What happened there? Did she make the same demands and that dude got out?

Why do you need to make more money for her to be happy? Isn’t she happy with her baby and her family and life with you?

It’s not your job to make her happy.

 

[cloveerforever]

@mishelmi She sees her other friends with super rich guys and believes we should be there or better. And has let me know that I don't make 100k at my age because I didn't stick to a carrier for more than 5 years at a time.

 

[mishelmi]

@cloveerforever Does she love you as a person and a partner or are you just making money for her fantasy?

 

[marxus]

@cloveerforever I am not here to shit on moms. But they aren't thinking straight during that first year or postpartum.

Does she have a history of "gold digger" tendencies?

 

[cloveerforever]

@marxus Kinda. It's more of a power thing.

 

[sarahelizabeth]

@cloveerforever To play devils advocate, everyone wants security, especially with a new child. It’s fair to want more security in your life. It’s one of the lowest levels on Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs for a reason. We only really have your take here, so taking sides one way or the other is a fool’s errand.

To the second point first, alcoholism is dangerous, and it sounds like your family history is a legitimate concern, as is her past history. Saying you can’t ever drink because of that is not fair. Being concerned about abuse of alcohol is, especially with a new child. Only you two can know if you’re consuming alcohol responsibly.

To the first point, I don’t think it’s fair to say “you have to make X!” I do think it’s fair to question whether you’re living up to your potential. The point about video games makes me think her point is that she thinks the family is lacking security because you are spending too much time and effort on hobbies and she would like you to focus on your career more. The implication of your post is that she makes a decent amount more than you while being a decade younger; she seems like she’s probably a motivated person and is concerned you aren’t matching her motivation.

I have no idea if any of that is true. But I do think you’ve written this in a way that makes her look childish and selfish and I think you should take a hard look at whether you’re being fair to her in how you’re portraying this or not. If you are, then she might just be childish and selfish. But it’s also possible she’s telling you some hard truths about how you can be a better person. No one on the internet can tell you which it is. But if you write it in a one-sided way, you can certainly get people on the internet to tell you what you want to hear, if that’s the goal.

 

[nicedream]

@cloveerforever "No Video games" or break up?

Narcissist personality who results to extortion methods to negotiate living terms in relationship, walk away right now if you wanna enjoy rest of your life.