Everything changed

[kimberl321]

Looking for advice and I’m spilling the beans I guess.
My coparent(CP) and I were together for a total of 7 years. Met in college, had a baby, got engaged & then they cheated in the absolute worst ways (with an ex, SW’s, co-workers, etc). I called off the engagement and never looked back. For years CP tried to get back together and I never budged. Our parenting relationship was always great b/c I liked to believe we were actual friends at some point, communication was always great, CP shows up for games & events w/ gfs even, never an issue. Fast forward 8 years, & CP has been in 3 public relationships since then & engaged the most recent one. I’m the custodial parent of our 9yr old(f) & I’ve been cautious about moving forward with partners so nothing long term on my end.
Last year CP & the new fiancé broke up. I found out by making a joke about our daughter needing a sibling & he quickly responded “Me & You!” Honestly I was taken aback but being 30 with no other kids or partners in sight I toyed with the idea. Within the following week we were talking more, staying at each others houses, etc but b/c of my hesitation we never crossed the line. I wanted to build trust, really give us a shot. At the time the fiance was still living with CP & according to CP “wouldn’t leave”, even told me an eviction process was being started since fiancé was basically a squatter atp (another reason why lines weren’t crossed). Fast forward to Feb CP became standoff ish, returned the key to my home and by Vday, they’re back together. I felt stupid and played but grateful. During our blast in the past I realized CP still hasn’t changed and knew moving forward was wrong, CP brings no value to our lives especially in house unfortunately.

Now we’re back on our regular schedule, every other weekend, but pick ups and drop offs are weird. I have no desire to have a relationship or be as friendly as I once was but I’m not angry just exhausted I guess. I’d prefer to limit interactions for my well being but CP always wants to “talk” which is code for “tell me what’s wrong with you” & I just rather not. There’s really nothing to talk about. The only boundary I’ve ever set was not getting back together and I went back on that, so I’m more frustrated with myself. I’m trying to navigate our new normal but not appear bitter or upset. I just need a break (did I mention we’ve seen each other every other weekend for the last 8 years & rarely miss a drop off/pick up, I’ve literally never been able to not see CP and I’m literally exhausted from holding it together) Has anyone else been though this & if so what’d you do!?

 

[srg]

@kimberl321 Why not find a third party to do drop offs/pick ups? Communicate only via text or email so there isn’t any emotion tied.

 

[kimberl321]

@srg I don’t have much help by way of 3rd parties. CP & I live 1.5 hrs apart and we meet at a truck stop that’s ~ 45 min away. I have one person that offered to help but unfortunately they’re not always available.

 

[billyuk1989]

@kimberl321 Do you guys have a court order already? That’s usually the first step when trying to switch to a more professional coparenting arrangement.

 

[kimberl321]

@billyuk1989 Not exactly. There’s a child support order but that was done while we were still together. Haven’t been back to court at all since then.

 

[billyuk1989]

@kimberl321 Then it’s definitely time that you guys return to court and get your parental rights and responsibilities set in stone. Because the court order will list what topics you and your ex are required to discuss, it will allow you to place restrictions on how he communicates with you, and block anything that isn’t covered in the court order. I highly suggest that all communication be done through a parenting app; it allows you to heal much faster if you compartmentalize him to just the app, because he’ll be out of sight. And if you can find a 3rd party who can step in and do some of the exchanges that would also help

 

[kimberl321]

@billyuk1989 This sounds like a step in the right direction. As much as I’d prefer to keep the courts out of it, it’s likely my best bet. Thankfully, I’ve reached out for help w/ pick ups and drop offs, that 3rd party it just hasn’t started yet. Hopefully we make it happen sooner than later. Thanks so much for your help!

 

[liaamsmithh95]

@kimberl321 Be careful OP. He sounds like someone with no integrity. Someone who's fickle. Once the courts are involved, he may start asking for more, like 50/50, even if his schedule isn't conducive for it. As he and his fiance moves forward, he may feel that he wants to play family with her, which could shake up how your child is functioning and their routine.

 

[kimberl321]

@liaamsmithh95 Definitely is that type. The CS we have in place was decided upon while we were together and once we were in front of the mediator, CP was so angry and agitated. I couldn’t understand why given the $$ was coming right back to our household. I know if I take that route it’ll be a fight.

 

[tabitha1234]

@kimberl321 Is the child in school? He could pick up the child from school on Friday and you could pick up the child from school on Monday and not have to see eachother.

Just communicate that you’re not angry or bitter just need some space given everything that happened. He should be able to understand that.

 

[kimberl321]

@tabitha1234 School pick up is hard b/c of distance and I don’t trust CP will make it on time.

You’re right though. At some point I’m just going to have to communicate that I need space and let that be the end of it.

 

[obarion]

@kimberl321 I just want to say I love the coparent abbreviation, better than ex or the other various ways you can label them.

 

[summer65]

@kimberl321 My cp cheated in horrible ways too. We just say hi and that's it at pick ups. If she wanted more I'd just tell her no thanks. I tried to be friends at one point (we were besties for over 23 years after all) but it didn't work out. She is not the same person and I just associate pain and trauma with her now. Pleasantries for the next 8 years and then complete no contact is my plan.

 

[kimberl321]

@summer65 It sucks to had to go through this w/ someone you considered a best friend at one point. The trauma and pain that you associate with your CP is something I understand far too well. Kudos to you for having a plan and executing! Wishing you love and luck on your journey!

 

[jlamb1]

@kimberl321 Get a comprehensive Court Order including using a parenting app and an Order for exchanges.

Exchanges should be child centric and your child is old enough to leave one parent and walk to the other.

Make exchanges fast and no talking.

It will get better once you stock to the boundries

 

[kimberl321]

@jlamb1 Yeah I try to make exchanges as quick as possible, little to no communication outside of Hi & Bye. I just have to do a better job of communicating the boundaries that are needed and sticking to them like you said.

 

[jlamb1]

@kimberl321 Because of the feelings that are there, either him, you or both on and off I think it will be hard to change and adjust.

One look, one moment, when you may be tired, is all it takes, and it happens fast.

I was thinking is this forever because I really do not want to see her at all ( false allegations, police etc lawyers ) and it was out of my control, how she would act and I felt a pit in my stomach the last few years because with her it was always something, every time.

Parenting app is the way to go imo.

Now its freaking great , exchange at 630 pm for example, parent without child must arrive 5 minutes early, I walk over, he runs to mommy, its beautiful.

freedom​

 

[jlamb1]

@kimberl321 You are human, but the day I cut off hi, bye or anything, was historic

 

[sheron86]

@kimberl321 From personal experience, (aside from be explicit, & stating every little thing in the court order) court orders with high conflict coparents make things worse- not better. All the common sense behind generalizations gets thrown out the window. You have to write every little detail down. The judges will think you are ridiculous & try to fight against it then after years of issues & court fees that pay them they'll get it. They don't punish the non default parent for breaking the court order but will punish you if you do, even if it's valid(such as health issues.) The high conflict parent prob really doesn't care anyway about having a court order or may not even pester you that much prior to it bout being involved. As soon as they know they can weaponize the court order against you, it gets worse.

 

[kimberl321]

@sheron86 This is one of my hesitations in going to court. I don’t want to add an order with crazy restrictions also considering we’ve had very little conflict. I also think the non-default parent would find a way to weaponize it in the long run too.
This season of our coparenting relationship is difficult and it’s b/c I haven’t established boundaries in the past. We definitely need boundaries but courts kind of take the situation to a whole new level. However, If we did become high conflict, I wouldn’t hesitate to take that route.