@tobi80 I think your parents' position on school and mental health makes your situation more complicated than meets the eye. It's incredibly common for wives and mothers to get stuck with most of a family's mental load by default, against their will. (Here's a comic illustrating what that means.) It's not fair to make that much extra work for someone else and force them to beg or nag you all the time just to pull your weight. However, by keeping so much control over your life at the expense of your ability to form stable relationships with other people, your parents are hindering your maturity. If they don't think conventional schooling is a good fit for you, then there may be better alternatives out there, but sacrificing your social-emotional development for high school math is not one of them. If you have any hobbies that regularly get you into positive group settings outside the home, maybe using those experiences to practice being your best self will help you learn to manage your family relationships.
Do y’all also do this to your kids?
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@tarshish Yeah, I don’t really have hobby’s with other “friends” after what happened last school year (“friend” asked personal questions and I think tried to r@pe me, and also a racist, and a homophobe) which is thankfully in jail. (He was 17 at the time but 18 now) and the only “hobbies” I have now, is being on Reddit, watching wrestling (which I wish I could do with my gf) and playing video games. I don’t go outside much because I was never really allowed to go outside when I was younger. Also, about the “mental load” stuff, that now gave me motivation to sweep the floor and put the dishes up, anything to help my momma. Also, sorry if I seem rude during all this.
@tobi80 Wow, I'm really sorry those things happened to you. I'm very familiar with the devastation that toxic friendships can cause, especially for teenagers who are still figuring themselves out. For that reason, you're someone who especially needs opportunities and guidance in learning to navigate social relationships. I can understand you and your parents wanting to withdraw to what feels like a place of safety after your painful experiences, but the thing is, social connection and emotional intelligence are the adaptations that sustain humanity as a species. It can feel super unfair that we have to do the work of repairing all those capacities after suffering harm, but that doesn't mean we have the option of eradicating those needs by ignoring them and pouring all our energies into other things. It seems like potentially good news that you have a girlfriend because that can be a great education in how, by being thoughtful and motivated, two people can enrich each other's lives. I do feel bound to mention that dating carries with it a lot of important health and safety considerations in both the physical and mental arenas, but since you're not asking about that relationship, I need to get back to the topic at hand. I just want to say that I know it's often really hard being a teenager, and I think you're making a great start in working towards being the person you want to be. Hang in there and keep striving!
rubyjohn50
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@tobi80 I think it's pretty normal. I'm almost thirty and a mom myself now (my son is only 8 months old). I remember having these kinds of conflicts with my mom. I have ADHD, and I'm not going to diagnose you from a post, but forgetfulness is a symptom. Forgetfulness is also a symptom of being a kid! A lot of these comments say that 14 is "encroaching adulthood" but that's not the case. Fourteen is still a kid in this day and age. You've got a lot left to learn about personal responsibility and maintaining cleanliness. But that's all part of the process of growing up. It's normal to struggle with remembering things and motivation (for chores). That's pretty much typical teen behavior.
Every conflict is an opportunity for growth. If the system you and your mom have for chores is not working, try communicating that to her. Find systems of remembering that work for you. She should communicate what she wants done during the week, and you can try making a list on your phone and setting reminders. For me, it helps to see the list posted somewhere so I have a dry erase board hanging on my wall. I write down things for the week and what needs to be done. It helps to have it in a central place. Those are just some suggestions. You'll find what works for you!
Also I see from your other comments that you are homeschooled. Is a parent staying home with you? I was homeschooled until the 10th grade. My mom stayed home with us. Do both your parents work?
Every conflict is an opportunity for growth. If the system you and your mom have for chores is not working, try communicating that to her. Find systems of remembering that work for you. She should communicate what she wants done during the week, and you can try making a list on your phone and setting reminders. For me, it helps to see the list posted somewhere so I have a dry erase board hanging on my wall. I write down things for the week and what needs to be done. It helps to have it in a central place. Those are just some suggestions. You'll find what works for you!
Also I see from your other comments that you are homeschooled. Is a parent staying home with you? I was homeschooled until the 10th grade. My mom stayed home with us. Do both your parents work?
@rubyjohn50 Yeah both my parents work. My dad works Monday-Friday sometimes to Sunday if he doesn’t come home that week, and my mom works Tuesday-Sunday most of the time. And yes im homeschooled, but not by my parents, which I am thankful for because last time my mom was my teacher wasn’t that great.
@tobi80 My daughter is 11 and I don’t parent that way. I text her a list of what I need her to do while I’m at work and then set reminders on her Alexa because she has raging ADHD and will forget immediately. If I get home and something isn’t done it’s not a big deal I just ask her to do it and she does. I’m a very gentle parent and I try not to be rude to her.
@tobi80 Oh gosh I can’t imagine… my daughter has been seeing a therapist since she was 7 because she was so sad all the time. We spend so much time talking about how to be our best selves and setting goals together and collaborate to have a clean happy home. She’s my little best friend and I want her to have the best life.
@tobi80 No, I would never do that to her lol. But- when I was in high school my dad literally took my door because I was “being sneaky”. I was a 4.0 student and had a full time job lol idk what I was being sneaky about except sleeping. My childhood was probably a lot like yours so I wanted to do better for my daughter just like you’ll do better for your kids if you have any 
chunkmonk2000
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@tobi80 I'm a bit worried about how much you apologize to everyone in the comments. Is it just because people are kind of aggressive on here or are you like that in real life too? Do you feel like you're doing something wrong all the time?
As for the reminders, as many have suggested, it'd probably be good if you could take a bit more initiative, but I understand it's hard when you're expected to follow someone else's rules that haven't even been outlined for you.
As for the reminders, as many have suggested, it'd probably be good if you could take a bit more initiative, but I understand it's hard when you're expected to follow someone else's rules that haven't even been outlined for you.
@chunkmonk2000 Yeah the whole apologizing stuff is all of the above. And with the whole “rule” thing. We don’t have rules. Unless I’m wrong and I just don’t remember or they haven’t told me.
justheretotalk
New member
@justheretotalk Yeah you’re right. she shouldn’t. Andthat’s on me for being a horrible son.
@tobi80 A lot of parents or guardians fail to see the humour when they're worn out or stressed. Try and brush it off and just breath. Say things like "hey, I can see you're stressed out, I'll give you 20 minutes and come back then we can talk about it.". Sometimes generational stuff gets passed on and there might be a point in the day it all boils over
I'm nearly 40 and I still have to tell my friend's toddler I need to do boring adult stuff and that he can do a puzzle for 5 minutes while I make coffee.
Make a family meeting time over food or while you're both doing a chore like folding clothes. Give each other a platform for communication and remind them that you've only been humaning for 14 years.
Good luck
I'm nearly 40 and I still have to tell my friend's toddler I need to do boring adult stuff and that he can do a puzzle for 5 minutes while I make coffee.
Make a family meeting time over food or while you're both doing a chore like folding clothes. Give each other a platform for communication and remind them that you've only been humaning for 14 years.
Good luck
@jacqulene Yeah, we never really did chores, other than the time I was like 6 and wanted an allowance, so we stopped that like a month in. And yeah for some reason they’re really harsh in the comments for me being a teenager. And honestly I just think they’re trying to worsen the effect of me not doing what I’m told. Because I saw one comment going around of “write a list at 14 my mom has to do that to me when I was 4” when he/she doesn’t realize every brain is different, every child is different, every generation is different but they just don’t realize that. And sorry if I sound rude.
@tobi80 You don't sound rude at all, it's perfectly fine to stand up for yourself, that's assertiveness rather than rudeness. In fact, you've been very polite throughout your comments here. Take what is useful for you from these comments, and take the rest with a pinch of salt. I think it's great that you're out here at your age asking for different opinions and questioning your own actions and those of your mum.