Did having a NICU baby change your tolerance to stress? Do you avoid triggering things?

[mrslambrou]

This might seem like an odd question. I’m a L&D + postpartum nurse. Having a high risk pregnancy and a 29 wk premmie we’re traumatic for me and it took some time for me to work through this. Since I had my baby, I don’t want to work in L&D anymore. I had my baby where I work and I had an emergency caesarean. I just don’t want to be a part of all that anymore because 1. I think it could be triggering for me (being in the OR, seeing more premmies and/or bad outcomes) and 2. I don’t feel like I can handle and don’t want to deal with that level of stress anymore. Can anyone relate to this feeling? I’ve already made the decision not to do L&D anymore but just wondering how others feel and sometimes wonder if I’m ‘overreacting’ or something.

 

[helentina]

@mrslambrou You are NOT overreacting. Even the words “labor and delivery” freeeeak me out and I can’t tell you why. I can’t imagine working there after a NICU experience. I have several pregnant family members and I’ve decided not to visit them in the hospital after they have their babies. I don’t want to be in a delivery room ever again. I don’t want to be in a “mother baby” room again cause I cant explain how hard it is to be in mother baby with no baby next to my bed. If I were a labor and delivery nurse I would lose all my compassion after this experience because “boo hoo you have xyz complaint at least your baby will get plopped right into your arms when they’re born.” So yeah your decisions and feelings here are totally valid. I also can’t watch medical shows or even watching old brainless shows like the Kardashians is hard now bc they have their pregnancy/delivery episodes which make me jealous and bitter. There are family members that i avoid bc of comments they made that made me blame myself. Your actions make complete sense here.
This might be a little rambly it’s the middle of the night.

 

[makesense114]

@helentina The mother baby room with no baby was so hard for me. I would cry whenever I heard another baby crying and I’m crying again now thinking about it.

 

[rawo]

@helentina So much of this rings true to me, too. I totally understand your and OP’s feelings.

 

[bborn]

@helentina THIS!!!! THIS THIS THIS!!!!!! i avoid shows with pregnancy, delivery, new baby content because it stirs up all those feelings of “why did this happen to me and it was all so smooth for them?” man, im crying.

 

[mrslambrou]

@helentina Thank you so much, I’m glad to know I’m not alone. I just started to wonder if I’m going to have to explain and justify myself to colleagues. I started doubting myself but you’ve reminded me that my feelings are valid. My husband and I could barely look at birth and NICU photos for a long time and even now at 18m PP, all the memories just come flooding back. Thanks for sharing your feelings and everything you say is so true!

 

[silversun]

@mrslambrou I was a radiographer and CT specialist, working in Trauma Medicine for 15 years before having my 24 week micropreemie and almost passing away from preeclampsia. I am not going anywhere near a hospital to work ever again.

I am in therapy and are coming out the other end of my treatment for PPD/PPA and PTSD - almost 2 years after giving birth and I am about to start retraining as a Dog Trainer.

 

[mrslambrou]

@silversun Thank you so much for sharing, 29 weeks was hard I cannot even imagine 24 weeks with preeclampsia. You and your baby are so strong. I’m at 18m PP and have avoided going back to work and leaving my daughter till now. Honestly I’ve thought about things like dog grooming too! Dog training will be so much more lighthearted and flexible, I hope it all goes well for you

 

[silversun]

@mrslambrou I can absolutely relate to your urge to not leave her. My Daughter will not go any kind of nursery setting until she is coming up to her fourth birthday. We are planning an international move back to my home country and don’t want to send her anywhere beforehand.

You are not the first person who quite healthcare or any other caring profession after experiencing birth trauma, not will you be the last.

In my teens and early twenties I thought you make a decision on your profession and that’s what you do for the next 45 years. From my early thirties to now I slowly started to question that narrative and having my Daughter changed everything forever!

I am honestly terrified of stepping out of my former comfort zone, but hospitals now feel threatening to me and no longer give me the feeling of safety I am used to.

 

[mrslambrou]

@silversun That’s so great that you can have her home till 4!! I was meant to send my daughter at 18m but it felt wrong for all of us so we’re waiting till she’s at least 2, or ideally older. If it wasn’t for financial reasons, I would definitely stay home with her. She’s going to be with family while I’m at work one day. The whole childcare thing is also triggering for me, I’ve had to leave her once and I don’t want to again. You’re absolutely right, and this is not my first career! But I still don’t really care, I do what’s best for me. I completely understand it feeling safe in healthcare anymore. I hope you find the best option for you and your family x

 

[luris]

@mrslambrou That's a very common feeling. (Equally, there are some people who decide to work in the field after a personal experience. All valid.) Your experience of trauma is real and valid.

 

[mrslambrou]

@luris Thank you, I really appreciate it. I was doubting myself for a minute but reading these replies is so validating.

 

[christiansocialist7]

@mrslambrou I had an emergency CS at 26 weeks and my baby was in the NICU just shy of 6 months.

I’m an OR circulator and I have trouble being in the room if anesthesia is doing a spinal. I’ve had to battle a few panic attacks at work as well.

I also have a pregnant coworker that I find extremely difficult to be around, especially as she gets closer to the week that I had to deliver. I’m genuinely happy for her, but seeing her also makes me very angry and gives me flashbacks of my own pregnancy.

You’re not overreacting.

 

[mrslambrou]

@christiansocialist7 Thank you so much, you’re right. And I can’t imagine working in OR, you are very strong. For some reason I find the thought of it especially triggering (particularly as we just work with caesareans). It was that moment when you just found out you have to have your baby NOW, and I was feeling so sick and overwhelmed! I hadn’t thought about similar feelings around pregnant women and healthy babies but we’ll see. I don’t feel a pang every time a friend is in 3rd trimester or has a beautiful birth and postpartum. It’s hard

 

[lutheranrose]

@mrslambrou I can’t even watch shows where woman deliver babies, so you’re def not overreacting!

 

[mrslambrou]

@lutheranrose Thank you, I feel validated after all of these responses. It’s good to know I’m not alone x

 

[anna_a]

@mrslambrou I don’t think that’s overreacting. It took me about 2 years to feel somewhat back to normal with the PTSD. I had a panic attack just going back to my OBGYN that shares a parking lot with the hospital! But eventually I did feel better after therapy and time.

I’ll say that outside of having a NICU experience, just becoming a parent made me want to have a lower stress lifestyle. It’s hard to go to work and put all of yourself into a job, and then have to come home and not have anything left for your family! So, no matter what you decide, it’s totally normal to change careers after a big life change.

 

[mrslambrou]

@anna_a Thank you for sharing, this is really true and helpful. Im at 18m PP mauler, and I’m so much better than I was this time last year due to therapy. I just do not want to be in the OR and around stressful births, really sick babies. I just feel like I’ve changed. And you’re right, some of it is just becoming a mother. I feel reassured reading all these responses that I’m not alone! Thanks x

 

[bekahjayne]

@mrslambrou Most likely PTSD? I work in the hospital I delivered my baby at. I am not an L&D nurse, I work on a step-down unit. But, my baby had to be flown to a hospital immediately after delivery and even at 8 months old now. Every time I hear a helicopter, my heart races, and I get a pit in my stomach. I avoid the L&D floor like no other.
I dont think I could ever separate my experience and normal patient care in that unit.

 

[mrslambrou]

@bekahjayne That must be so hard, I can only imagine I would be the same. I don’t really have flashbacks or bad dreams or huge anxiety in my day to day life so I’m not sure. I did so therapy for about 6 months after so it helped so much on that front, I couldn’t even talk about it without sobbing at first. But it’s being back in that environment that is the issue, i didn’t really want to go back but I don’t really have much choice at the moment. I guess it will be interesting to see what feeling and responses come up for me. I’ve already felt a panic imaging they send me to L&D and how I will say no way!