Dads breaking generational abuse, how do you discipline your kids?

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utay62

New member
Struggling this morning after my 2 year old in his gymnastics class. Small potatoes, but he just doesn’t listen to me, the teacher, etc and I’m trying to get him to concentrate and not run off to do his own thing. My whole background is my own dad yelling at me, shaming me and hitting me. It really solidified this morning that I don’t have any good discipline methods in my arsenal. I eventually chose to leave the class early because it was better than exploding into something I’d regret. He’s back w his mom and I’m sitting on the toilet ashamed as a father.

Update: thanks for everybody’s advice. Cant respond to all but the general theme is great: (1) change my expectations of a 2 year old, (2) read books to learn what are good expectation/ parenting skills , (3) maybe very quick time outs with lots of talking and discussions
 
@utay62 I was the result of the broken cycle. My dad was beat pretty bad and pretty often by his father, and there was a real urge to do it to me.

I was pretty young but the memory is still burned into my brain. I had been a little shit but took it too far. I was sent into my room by a fed up mother and she went and got my dad - who had also been fed up but left to cool down. When he came into my room and saw me putting on some extra padding for the inevitable beat down, he just crumpled. He sat on the side of the bed and just looked into my eyes for what felt like forever. A massive man looking so small, the total fear in my eyes, yet my resolve to take the punishment - it was all just too real for him. He just hugged me and left the room.

Later in life I learned more about it. Him and his nine siblings lived in a one room shack. His mom died when he was a kid, leaving his dad to care for them. All boys, except one girl. Dad was the beast of the family, so was often treated like a man. I was born when dad was 19 and we lived in a trailer in muddy part of grandpas lot. Only as a father myself and later in life do I realize how hard it was to not blame your situation on others, and become a slave to your emotions.

The real strength lies within you. You are raising the father of your grandkids, so remember that.
 
@utay62 You will. It won't be easy - there is a reason why child abuse is a cycle - but you have to succeed.

My cousin and her husband have dedicated their lives to helping abused kids. Its one of the most amazing paths that could ever be taken. The pain they have to witness is too much for 99.9% of the world. She summed it up:

"If all the adults in the world decided today to stop beating children, stop raping children, and stop enslaving children, in one generation there would be almost no drug addiction, suicide or murder. But for some reason adults refuse. So the cycle continues".
 
@steveh I've just completely bawled reading this. Thank you for sharing.

Many parallels to my own upbringing. The more I learned about my own father and how our relationship formed in his later years, I truly believe he wanted to break the cycle but struggled to work it out.

I've been processing a lot for the last 5 - 6 years of therapy, and recently had my first child last year. I specifically wanted to go down this path before I had children, and whilst it's never easy, I'm comfortable to say I'm proud of the work I've done before my son was born.

He is the apple of my eye. I never want him to be scared of his Daddy like I was with mine.

That last sentence really drove it home for me. I hope you are doing well, friend. You sound like a great Dad.

EDIT: Just bought and gave my first ever award :)
 
@steveh Wow- Jesus.
that last line made me cry. I’m expecting my first in a few months and lost my dad a few months ago. Have been thinking really hard how to be at least half as good as he was and honor his memory when I become a dad. this post put in perspective the huge admiration I have for him for being how he was with us after all he went through as a child; never thought of if in those terms but I’m def the result of a broken cycle too and the thought just hit me so hard. It’s too early for so many emotions! Lol.
“You are raising the father of your grandkids, remember that” I might have to frame that.
 
@utay62 One way to avoid conflict, which my sister uses on my nephew, is if you want a child to stop what they’re doing like watching TV or playing with toys is to say to them “Ok 1 more minute.” And then set a timer. I think when the kid knows when something is over they are less upset than when it’s abruptly taken away.
 
@curtis789 I use that technique with my son, and increased the amount of time a little as he's grown up. What made it fun for us was setting a cartoony mechanical timer, and later my son started setting the timer on Google instead.

We also have a daily wind-down alarm an hour before bedtime. When the alarm goes off it means next time you die/end a level in a game, or when the current TV episode finishes etc he gets ready for bed. Any time left after wash/teeth/PJs is quiet play (no screens).
 
@orvillebach I also do the 5 minutes and I have my son say out loud with me, 5 more minutes till we turn game off. Then we say (in excited voice) 1 more minute!!
When times up, they usually do what they are expected. There no let’s give you one more minute because you’re being good. That messes it up.
 
@senam Haha the temptation is sometimes too much, especially if we're playing against each other and he's winning. That's when I play the "thanks for doing (something good from the day) you deserve one more turn"
 
@curtis789 Yep. Timers timers timers. And set expectations.

We call it “frontloading”. If my daughter has an idea of the short term plan that is to come, she is able to manage her emotions much better.

Going to the park-
“Okay honey, mommy is cooking dinner so we can only play on the playground for 30 minutes. After that we will go home and eat”

“Okay, we’re going home in 5 minutes”

“2 more minutes… 1 more minute… “
 
@curtis789 Sometimes you can even turn it into a game. “Okay, we can only play on the playground for two more minutes. How many times can you climb up and go down the slide before the timer goes off? GO GO GO!!!”
 
@prepperoni Also been using the timer on my phone with my 3 year old. Works….most of the time. Sometimes she’ll even spend the last few minutes just watching it countdown lol
 
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