Choice of Clothing

[richardoj101]

How much say do I have over how my ex dresses our daughter? I was doing laundry last night for my 11 year old daughter and she had these black panties with a V cut in the back and Straps that make a criss cross pattern in the V cut out. I wasn't happy about it, but my current wife also saw them and she thinks I should say something to my ex about them. I try to avoid confrontation unless I feel my daughter is in danger, and while I don't like it I don't think it is a huge deal. I should talk to my daughter about it, but I don't think saying anything to my ex is appropriate or will change anything for the better. We've had lots of conflict over how I deal or don't deal with my ex and I just want to know if I am off base.

 

[bi6lethump]

@richardoj101 What exactly are your concerns regarding the underwear? Are you afraid she is having sex? Are you worried this type of underwear could lead to promiscuity? Why?

If you want to bring it up to your ex you need to have a very specific concern why wearing the underwear is harming her in some way. I’m not saying you are right or wrong, but merely saying “I don’t like it” is not enough.

 

[richardoj101]

@bi6lethump They send the wrong message. My daughter pants sometimes ride a little low and sometimes you can see the top of her underwear. That isn't a big deal if it's normal underwear, but showing a decorative gap there sends the wrong message. Do I think there is something going on where this is a problem? No. I think my daughter thinks nothing of it, and she isn't really into boys or anything yet. That said, if the above situation happened and some stranger saw the break in the back what would their intensions be?

I agree it isn't a huge thing. And I agree with the other comment that it is not a hill worth dying on. My current wife is more disturbed by it. She has a lot of family and friends that were molested or worse and so she is very sensitive to those kinds of things. She thinks it is more serious and as such wants me to take it more seriously. This is the main problem I am in, either I start something with my ex over this, or I will probably piss my current wife off for not taking it seriously enough. I just wanted some other opinions on if I should be more worried or not.

 

[bi6lethump]

@richardoj101 I guess I understand what you are saying but it’s 2020 and what you are describing sounds a lot like “she asked for it because of how she was dressed” or like telling girls that they can’t wear tank tops because boys can’t keep their hands to themselves . This is a major problem in our society and I’m not saying that you need to be the person to stand up against it but girls and women should be free to wear whatever they want without the concern that they might be molested if they are wearing something particular. I think instead teaching your daughter warning signs of questionable people as well as making it safe for her to communicate to you if someone was acting strange towards her is probably the better course of action here then getting upset about the type of underwear she wears. Make sure she knows all about safe touch and the ins and outs of consent.Most people who are sexually molested are abused by people they know not random people walking down the street who see a sliver of a girls underwear. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but most likely if someone’s going to abuse someone it’s going to be regardless of what they are wearing.

 

[katrina2017]

@richardoj101

My current wife is more disturbed by it. She has a lot of family and friends that were molested or worse and so she is very sensitive to those kinds of things. She thinks it is more serious and as such wants me to take it more seriously.

Unfortunately, I am also a victim of sexual abuse and sexual assault. My underwear didn't have anything to do w/ either of them. You having an open discussion with your daughter about what is appropriate for her age, is a much better way to keep her safe (and keep the peace). Good luck to both of you. Also, as BM and SM, your wife needs to let you and mom handle this one. I understand she has her own baggage here, but its not fair to put that on your daughter.

 

[nathanfz]

@richardoj101 Kids don’t get molested because they wear pretty underwear. This is not a big deal. Let it go.

 

[katrina2017]

@richardoj101 If your ex bought them for her, she obviously approved, so not sure what good saying something to her would do. I honestly don't think this is a big deal. It's underwear for wearing under things, but if you think it is inappropriate, you should talk to your daughter and let her know how you feel. Doesn't sound like this is a hill worth dying on though.

 

[nathanfz]

@katrina2017 Talk to your daughter and tell her what though? Dad feels uncomfortable because your underwear are sexy? That’s so weird.

This girl is 11. She’s not choosing underwear to impress anybody. She wants to feel pretty. She probably went shopping with mom and picked out stuff that made her feel special. This is a complete nonissue and the adults who are uncomfortable with a child’s underwear need to handle their own baggage.

 

[soulpurity]

@nathanfz Word