Breastfeeding Destroying Me Emotionally

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pjnovak

New member
My LO will be 12 weeks tomorrow. I’m looking for some support or hope or any kind of guidance or advice at this point.

Our journey started out with a very long induced labor which led to an unplanned c section. Post surgery my blood pressure dropped so low I was basically passing out and vomiting and I couldn’t do skin to skin with my baby right away. His first meal was formula from a bottle that my husband gave him. We had no idea about paced feeding at the time.

The first few days his weight was dropping too much and the hospital encouraged formula from a bottle, but didn’t tell me I should be pumping every time we gave him a bottle. Fast forward to when we were home, we kept that practice up. I nursed him frequently but he would wail and cry and I would cry and almost always give him a bottle of formula without pumping afterwards. We used a narrow mouth bottle. My husband and I slept in shifts so we could both get some sleep, but I slept through the early morning hours. I had no idea that was the most important time to be NOT sleeping 5-6 hours at a time. All of these things combined tanked my supply right from the start, but I just thought my supply was low and there was nothing we could do about it.

Fast forward to weeks 6-8, we had been pace feeding and I was pumping sporadically, but by week 8 I started being more consistent with pumping and triple feeding. We were finally recommended to a dentist who identified lip, tongue, and cheek ties, but wanted us to see an orofacial PT/LC before the procedure. I switched to almost EP at this point to work on bringing my supply up. I could almost pump 2 oz every 2-3 hours, but never more than 2 no matter how long I waited in between pumps.

Recently I had been feeling pretty good about supply and we did a weighted feed. Baby pulled 1.5 oz from breast and LC said we should try EBF. We did EBF during the day and still gave him the bottle a few times overnight (I sleep and pump 1-2x) overnight. We still haven’t released his ties yet. I feel like my supply is tanking because if I replace a feed with a pump I’m not getting even 2 oz anymore. He happily takes 3-4 oz from a bottle.

This whole journey has caused me nothing but stress. Every time we feed him whether it’s bottle or breast I feel like crying. I feel like I’m starving him at the breast or like I’m hurting any chance of breastfeeding if I give him a bottle. I can’t win and it’s driving me insane. I hate pumping, and I’m starting to feel like it’s time to give up on EBF. I’ve spent probably half of my maternity leave grieving over the natural birth we didn’t have and the breastfeeding saga we are still in. We did almost everything wrong the first 6 weeks. It’s literally all I can think about and I know it’s not healthy and taking away from time spent being present with my baby. I’m just so jealous of moms who have adequate/over supply and babies that can be satisfied at the breast 😔
 
@pjnovak Wow I totally understand what you are going through 😔 I have a similar story. Eventually after 4 ish months of trying I gave up on both BF and pumping due to baby seeming to hate it and pumping was weighing on my mental health. Miraculously baby latched around 5 months cause I would still try here and there. This was like two weeks ago and now we BF when he's sleepy throughout the day. It was hard, but eventually it was freeing to finally accept what was and let go of the pressure. Now I savor the good moments and understand the bad will eventually pass. I feel I am now a more happy and present mom after letting go of expectations and accepting what we both can do.

Also I have come to realize that formula feeding actually works well for our family because anyone can help feed him at any time and anywhere, he eats full feeds so there's a good amount of time between feeds and we have a predictable routine, and he sleeps well. There are pros and cons to all the ways of feeding babies, just need to find what works best for you and your family.

It's a very hard journey to go through for sure, sending you lots of love and strength 💕
 
@cindia I wish I could give you a big hug. It’s so hard to find people who really understand what we’re going/gone through, so I appreciate you sharing on here. That is so sweet your little one still wants to latch and spend that time with you. At this point I’m inclined to agree about formula being more convenient, especially compared to triple feeding or pumping then bottle.
 
@pjnovak I went through this same exact problem just recently with my newborn. My mental health was destroyed, I was depressed, felt miserable with both breastfeeding and bottle feeding for the same reasons that you say. I did EBF and my baby was gaining weight inconsistently- in the early weeks she gained well, but as time went on she gained less and less and was dropping in percentiles. I felt like a failure. She wasn’t transferring milk well even after we got her tongue tie clipped (which didn’t help at all and I regret it). I started pumping exclusively and just giving her bottle. My favorite part is that I can actually measure how much she’s drinking. Pumping exclusively has upped my supply significantly (making about 34oz per day now) even though it’s a chore, at least she is drinking my milk which is half of what I planned for her (of course, I wanted her to drink directly from the breast). Once I gave up directly BFing, I felt a big relief just knowing a decision was made. She’s gaining weight really well now and is more awake and alert. She’s about to be 2mo old.
 
@francis22 Ugh I’m sorry you went through something similar but congratulations on getting your supply up! Even when I EP for the day I can barely get more than 18 oz. Can I ask why you regret having her tie clipped?
 
@pjnovak Several reasons - she continued bleeding (not profusely, but even a small amount of blood feels like a big deal for a newborn) after the procedure and we had to go back to the doctor; the clipping caused her distress for about a week, she was very fussy and her latch did not improve at all; the tie was very minor and it was not necessary to cut but we did it anyway hoping it would help with her latch. It didn’t. I don’t even breastfeed her directly anymore, which kills me.
 
@francis22 I’m so sorry 😞 I think there will always be things we moms regret and wish we could go back and change, but she is a happy and fed baby now and you did what you thought was best with the knowledge you had. The first couple weeks is such a whirlwind with so much information being thrown in your face it’s hard not to just agree with what the pediatricians and experts all tell you.
 
@pjnovak My story is a little different than yours but I will tell you it in case you end up going with formula. So my oldest baby was born 22 years ago back when most people here didn't have access to the Internet. None one in my family ever breastfed a baby so my only sorce of information was the health nurse who came to my house to check on baby. I had been breastfeeding but it was causing me so much pain and my nipples were bleeding. I couldn't continue as things were. I asked for formula for my baby on day 3 just before we went home from hospital. I had decided to buy a breast pump hoping it would help. Unfortunately before I got a chance the nurse came to my house. She told me that since I had given my baby formula that there was no going back. She was my only source of information at the time. I was devastated. Had the same problem on baby number 2 but got better advice and he was breastfed and combination fed from 5 weeks. They are 22 and 20 years old. It's not possible to tell which was breastfed and which was formula fed. Both are healthy. I had been combination feeding my youngest who is 4.5 months. She was getting 3 6oz bottles a day bit only gets one now. If you want to stick with breastfeeding feed as much as you can and top up with formula if needed. I was able to reduce the amount of formula over a few days for each bottle. I could take out the remaining bottle but dad enjoys feeding her and I don't pump enough to make a bottle.

Power pumping can increase your supply.

Pump for 20 minutes
Massage for 10 minutes
Pump for 10 minutes
Massage for 10 minutes
Pump for 10 minutes

This should only be done twice a day for 4 days. Can be repeated if necessary but give your body a chance to regulate first.
 
@harrison19 Thank you so much for sharing 💕It’s crazy the difference in information available today vs back then. My mom and stepmom informed me that I and all three of my sisters were formula fed because neither could produce enough milk. I have to imagine there were some other factors at play, but you’re right, we all turned out okay! I’ve recognized from the beginning that my baby couldn’t care less where his food comes from, I just need to find my own peace with the whole process.
 
@pjnovak It's crazy how different it is. Having access to more information has made this journey so much easier. We had a lot of hiccups and I nearly quit several times. My daughter struggled with reflux with the formula which was my main driving force to continue. Finding your own peace is difficult but remind yourself that your baby is happy, healthy and most of fed. I remind myself that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had with my first and I have no doubt that you are doing the same.
 
@pjnovak Your story sounds kind of similar to mine. I don’t have a ton of advice aside from keeping a strict pumping/feeding schedule, getting plenty of calories and protein, drink plenty of fluids (Body Armor always helps my supply) and continue doing skin to skin when you can.

But really, you’re doing amazing. Even if you can only give your baby a little breast milk, it’s still amazing. Even if you stop breastfeeding at all and just do formula, you are amazing. Just those first weeks of your milk is so good for your baby!

There’s also nothing wrong with formula. My baby and I got off to a rough start with breastfeeding and then we discovered she has significant allergies that made it basically impossible for me to continue breastfeeding and we had to switch to hypoallergenic formula. I felt horrible about it. But she’s absolutely thriving! And our bond is better than ever. Your baby doesn’t care what you’re feeding him, only that he is fed and comfortable and loved. He will be perfectly healthy and happy regardless of whether he is breastfed or formula fed.
 
@pjnovak You’re doing an amazing job at keeping your baby fed and that is the most important thing you can do. I haven’t been able to get baby to latch easily at the breast. If I use a shield, his latch is better but not great so I’ve basically been exclusively pumping. But I hate it and don’t have the ability to pump as frequently as I need to because he insists on only sleeping on me so I make do. I currently pump about 4 to 5x/day and get enough to make about half his feeds breast milk. The rest is formula and that’s ok. Any breast milk especially in the first few months of life is great if you’re able to do it!
 
@dakota08 Thank you for saying this, so are you ❤️ being nap trapped is so real, but also so sweet. Have you tried just pumping one side at a time so you don’t have to move?
 
@pjnovak Your story has so many similarities to me own. Long induced labor with unplanned csection, my son had a tongue tie, and the tie actually led to hurting me to the point one of my breasts was out of commission. We got it revised at 10 weeks but my left boob was a bum the whole 2 years of nursing.

I'm sorry it has been so rough. I wish we normalized how stressful the birth and early baby days are to prepare people more for what to expect. It took me a year before I was ready to emotionally heal from my birth experience. I wanted to share there is light on the other side and that I hope you're able to have the support to your healing journey ✨️ you don't need to EBF to be a good mom, take care of yourself and make the choices that are best for you and your family.
 
@marineskok I’m sorry you had to go through all of that as well. I wish I could give you a hug and let you know that I understand what you’ve gone through and it sucks. I’m glad you made it work eventually though even if one boob didn’t comply!
 
@pjnovak I’m sorry you are going through this, breastfeeding is so hard for many. I had my 3rd baby 4 weeks ago and it’s my third time wanting to breastfeed, doing everything in my power to make it work, and the third time I’ve ended up devastated that it hasn’t worked and we’ve ended up combi feeding.
My supply is just not there no matter what I do. Baby was losing too much weight and we had to supplement. Then I started pumping and currently feed her mainly formula and one bottle of expressed breast milk per day. It takes me 15 mins on the pump to express 30mls and I pump 4 times a day.
She is doing great and I’ve made peace with the fact it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can put your baby on the breast for some feeds, allow your partner to give a bottle for other feeds to give yourself a break. This can be formula or expressed milk. Your baby will thrive and you can be in a much better place mentally. It’s taken me 3 babies to get to this stage because I really felt it had to be EBF or nothing. Go easy on yourself x
 
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