BF v FF shame and “attachment theory”

@pastorchrisparker Not at all!

Sleeping shifts have changed drastically.

Context: baby is always swaddled up tight, has sound machine for white noise, and is in a room with black out curtains, and sleeps in her own crib.

Initially, we were planning on doing every other feeding to swap off. The problem was that our kid had terrible acid reflux and was crying from 8pm-2am. So we had to take that into account. If we're feeding the baby in 3 hour shifts, then there'd be the 7pm-10, then 10-1 crying shifts, which left the 1-4 and 4-7 shifts as the quieter of them. We always have the option of tagging the other person in when we are at our wits end.

We started working with our kid and a post partum doula, which is how we finally learned how bad her reflux was (got an Rx to help- kind of bad), and validation that not every parent gets this experience and we have a stubborn child to begin with.

Our new schedule is "Shit shift" vs "non-shit shift." The shit shift is the initial bed time section. We've been getting our baby to stop crying by 10pm or so, she gets fed and then she's out for the rest of the night until about 2 am when she gets fed and diaper changed. If it times out all right, then we get to sleep until 7 am when we start her day. So rough 'schedule' splice is 7-1 and 1-7. We then alternate nights, so neither of us gets the shit shift two nights in a row unless its agreed on.

Lately, its gotten better, as she's pulling out of the colic weeks (she's going on week 8 now from her birthday, age adjusted 2 months since she was 10 days late ). So her crying and resisting sleep is now at about 30 mins to 60 mins. Once she's out, we'll do a dream feed around 10pm, to top her off and she's good to go for several hours. Our pediatrician has basically said, let her sleep as long as she wants to, so we do at night. The longest stretch has been 5.5 hours.

The other bit that has helped on sleeping is a choice we made a few weeks ago that works best for us. We put her in her nursery. She is not sleeping in our room anymore. We have a camera and we'll sleep with the monitor next to us with the volume up, so whoever is on duty can be woken by her. This is purely a personal choice, and it did several things for us. It made it so whoever is on shift, can go out of the bedroom and take the monitor too so that the crying isn't impacting the sleeping person as much, but also we don't have get startled awake by baby grunts. Whoever said the phrase "sleep like a baby" has never slept near a baby, they are LOUD.

When we have the nanny, we intentionally have her come over for 10-12 hours. Her entire job and goal is to let us both sleep, and she's in charge of the baby. Since we are EFF, that means she doesn't have to get me up in the night to feed the baby, she can just grab a bottle and do the night feeds. IF you've pumped and have a bottle ready, it'd be the same route too. On the 2nd week home, I looked for a post partum Doula/new born care specialist (frequently called night nanny) because neither of us was sleeping and I was about to have a mental break down. They are expensive, but when you're exhausted and have no idea whats wrong, they are worth it. Added to this, we have no family in the area, and neither of us grew up with or spent a lot of time around newborns, so we needed hands on assistance.
 
@melbourne thank you for the detailed response. It’s really helpful for me. We will obviously be EFF for the beginning so I’m seeing the benefits of not pumping helping divide responsibilities. When you first had her was it the same schedule or were the feedings or were they closer together? Or was this the basic schedule from the jump?
 
@pastorchrisparker First two weeks was a free for all. The objective was to get her to put on weight and figure out what was happening. She ate every two hours basically. Starting on the third week, during the day we did a 3 hour schedule and it just rolled into night as well since we still needed to feed every 2-3 hours. If she ate too close together she would sometime spitup half of what she ate and no one was happy. Now we are keeping the day schedule and trying to lengthen the night time sleeping hours.

Editing to add:
During week 3 we gradually moved to a 3 hour day schedule. Example:
7 am wake and feed
7:30 activity
8 nap
10 wake and feed
10:30 activity
11 nap
1 wake and feed
1:30 activity
2 nap
4 wake and feed
4:30 activity
5 -6 cat nap
6-7 activity
7 feed then bed for the night.

We would adjust as needed for her, especially if she cluster fed in the evenings due to a growth spurt. Activity could be as simple as a diaper change, being held while walking around the house, bath time, out for a walk In a stroller etc. when they are super young, they can’t stay awake and engaged for 30 minutes so read their cues and put them to nap early if needed.

This let my husband and I both feel relief, since she was a good sleeper during the day. It meant we had a few hours to either nap, or recharge before she was up again. Our kid picked up on patterns and started waking 10 minutes before the next feed cycle.
 
@pastorchrisparker I combo feed and my son adores my husband. Like I have to work hard and make tons of weird faces and sounds to get him to smile but when my husband just looks at him he smiles and babbles and even whines when my husband looks away. So I don’t think that nursing has had any affect on how attached my son is to us. If anything my son probably connects more to me or dad when we give formula since he can look at us. Babies know they’re loved when they’re attended to- every time you pick up baby when they cry, cuddle, put them to bed, feed them, play with them...it’s all love and they know that. I’m happy I can partially breast feed and my son is really cute when nursing but it means more to me than it does to him. He doesn’t get more excited for either, he’s just hungry and wants to eat. I know it’s hard but you just have to brush off those that try to shame you. You’re doing what’s best for your baby by taking your medication. When I left my midwives clinic that is very aggressive in pushing breastfeeding my doctor said that formula is so close to breast milk these days and that if nursing is stressful don’t try to push it- a mentally healthy mom is way more important than breastfeeding.
 
@pastorchrisparker My son was exclusive formula fed from birth. Never once did I nurse him. He's 7 months and super attached to me. If I'm walking around the house doing house work and he's sitting with dad he will cry of I don't pay attention to him. He crawls to the room I'm in and refuses to sit alone. Formula is just fine. And it was so much easier and more fun for me and so much easier to night wean him :) do what is best for you. Don't give 2 minds to what people say or think.
 
@pastorchrisparker My son was bottle-fed, first breastmilk, then both, then formula from 4-12 months. We're now at 13 months old. He's very attached and very clingy. He squeals with happiness to see me and daddy. He adores his grandparents. He runs squealing to be picked up and smiles this big ole grin like he's the luckiest baby in the world. Do I think formula feeding did that? Absolutely. Me and my partner and the grandparents all were able to give him cuddles and love and gaze into his eyes as he snuggled into us and drank from his bottle. We all also got the chance to deal with him flailing his arms and legs while drinking his bottle. We've all also been pelted with dinner because we did baby led weaning. But it's not formula versus breastfeeding that helps that attachment. It's how attentive you are, how much you snuggle them when they need it, showing you love them, giving them toys, playing with them. Just like adults when they form new connection with new people, you need to put in effort to create that new connection with the new baby.
 
@pastorchrisparker My one year old son is attached to me. We bottle fed and BF since day 1 and I moved to EFF around 12 weeks.

BF wasn't giving an attachment to me because the only position that worked was a cradle hold so that he was basically looking at my armpits the whole time. During that time I was dreading the whole BF process because I hated it for many reasons.

The first time I bottle fed, it was magical. I was able to look my baby on the eyes. When i moved to formula, it was even better. I was a happier mom. My husband took night feeds with me and we both got decent rest. In the daytime I was an attentive mom to my son.

So don't worry about attachment. It will happen naturally. You are their whole world.

Put it this way, I don't see many adults walking around attached to baby bottles 😂
 
@pastorchrisparker Everything I will comment is (I'm sure) very similar to what has been posted above, but just to reiterate....

I have not felt unattached to my child AT ALL from formula feeding. Feeding is still a special time when we can bond, listen to Disney Baby Guitar lullabies, talk, and hang out. What's even better is that my husband feels just as bonded because he can do all of those things, as well. I feel like the bonding is so equal and he is only 7 weeks old!

Plus, I personally think I would have started resenting both my baby and my husband if my body was still chained down by breastfeeding (as well as inequitable division of labor it causes). That would just serve to erode the bond!

Everyone is different, but formula feeding has been a great decision for my family.
 
@katrina2017 I am so confident in my decision now, thank you! I just looked at the 64k people in breast feeding sub and I’m like wow, there is a huge difference, but who really cares? These comments are so awesome and empowering.
 
@pastorchrisparker I think formula feeding isn't as "sexy" and is kind of demonized these days, so people aren't as vocal about it. I mean, other than immediate family, I have been keeping it on the down low because of the judgement some people would have against me. I just want to avoid the argument, but it is really something no one should feel ashamed of or bad about! I am glad this sub has helped!
 
@pastorchrisparker My baby has been FF from the beginning. She was a month early and I had hella low supply (pumping 8x a day yielded 3oz a day) so I quit pumping at 7 weeks and went the rest of the way to formula at that point. I am my baby's favorite person. She is very attached to me. If I'm near her she will mostly refuse to eat for anyone else (even her dad, my husband, who she has seen literally every day of her life). She has gotten a smidge better about that now that I'm back in the office and my mom and MIL are swapping babysitting duties until she starts daycare in 2 weeks.

My baby lights up with smiles when I wake her up in the morning, when I get her after she wakes from naps, when I get home from work.

My point is that breastfeeding isn't required to have a close bond with your baby. Your baby will love you and be close to you because you will be the one taking care of him/her.
 
Back
Top