Are we being unreasonable?

S

saveoursoul

New member
Recently my ex has been literally blowing up my phone 50 text a day. Three to four phone calls. Three in a row if I don’t answer. It’s becoming insane. My oldest has a phone and he can contact her via her phone whenever he wants. It seems like it’s directly to attack me. I’ve asked him to send a text if he needs to chat and I’ll call him that day when I have time. But his reasoning is he can’t text in his car and he drives a lot for work. So my partner and I decided today that it has to stop. Here is the text exchange with him:

Me: Hey I think after discussion with Partner it’s time to go to court again and have some more things ironed out. We are not happy with things and Partner said it has to be fixed before the baby comes and I agree. We would be willing to sit down and discuss it before court but if the requests cannot be honored we have to move soon because obviously we don’t have a ton of time before he (ds) gets here.

Coparent:

What do you mean

What do we have to go to court about now?

???????

Me: We would be happy to pick a time to sit down in person and have a discussion

Coparent:
So me being more active and questioning g things has led Partner to think we need to go to court?

It’s just kinda shitty

Like why do we need to go to court. Court will be nasty. It won’t be worth it to either of us.

But if that’s what you guys want we can do it. I just think it’s a very very bad idea. For both of us

Bc what you just told me is that if I don’t honor your request then we have to go to court. I’m not playing the Sarah’s way or no way game. I can’t. Not anymore. So if you want to sit down and discuss the issues we can. But it’s not a your way or the Highway deal. It’s a mutual conversation with mutual considerations.

I’m not doing the whole divorce thing again where you dangle tens of thousands of dollars over my head as a means to coerce me into getting what you want. I can’t. Not again

I also am 100% against Audrey staying home by herself at this age. I’m not okay with it. I’ve said it and you don’t care.

I have no responded to any of the above messages. Let me give some context to them. We have been asking him to be more active for example help with them or at least get them at the bare minimum the time that is put in the custody agreement. I guess he has decided calling me a ton is being more involved and maybe that is a lack of communication on my part. The dangling money is going after the amount of money the state requires him to pay versus the amount we agreed on. I don’t care about the money but my partner would like it to be handled thorough the state so that it comes when it’s supposed to and is a set amount not whatever he feels like paying. And finally today, my 11.5 daughter stayed home while we took the two littles to their recital rehearsal. It was two miles away and the neighbor knew she was home. She has her phone to call and my partner went home halfway through to check on her. He called during rehearsal yelling about this. Legally in the state of Virginia she is allowed to be home alone. She didn’t have an issue with it. She never even called me but apparently her dad getting wind of it was the end of the world. I flipped on him. I was hot. I was tired. If he had an issue he could have come to help but he couldn’t because he was drinking at his parents house.

I literally don’t know how I could have made such a bad choice of humans to reproduce with.
 
@saveoursoul They feel that way because you're not stepping up and setting appropriate boundaries.

Bringing them into the conversation with your coparent is also another example of the poor boundaries.

You're an autonomous adult capable of making/communicating decisions without the need to blame a third party for the boundaries you need to set with your coparent. It's inadvertently shifting the "blame" for your decision-making to your partner so that your coparent shifts some of their upset to them as opposed to you being fully accountable.

This is not intended to be belittling, just as the best analogy I can think of -

To another adult, your approach to communicating in the convo you shared sounds like an extension of: "my mommy/daddy said I can't come to play". Either because daddy/mommy is a convenient excuse or because they genuinely said no.
 
@halterfr33 Yes, I can see that. I’ve gotten use to him but my partner gets very annoyed but they have only dealt with it for two years. I’ve got 10 on them. So I think they feel I sit back and just put up with it and the stress and they don’t like now more than I ever I assume because I’m pregnant. Now I feel like I’m getting it from both side. Sigh 🥴
 
@saveoursoul
I’ve gotten use to him
So I think they feel I sit back and just put up with it
Click to expand...

The first quote suggests that you do indeed "just put up with it"

Now I feel like I’m getting it from both side.
Click to expand...

That isn't surprising because you clearly haven't figured out what your boundaries are. Are you okay with it? In this case, you'd need to set boundaries with your partner, inclusive of reducing the information sharing with your partnerof what's happening between you and your coparent. Or are you not okay with it? In which case that means setting boundaries with your coparent
 
@saveoursoul Perhaps your Partner was another bad choice to make a baby with. He has issues with knowing his place in a coparenting relationship. He clearly has some control issues going on and feels the need to mark his territory. He is interfering. This isn’t going to go well if you take it to court.
 
@saveoursoul Even if partner is pushing, it is best to never make it about them in the conversation with coparent. It just makes things messy. Take your partners opinion and whatever issues they might bring up and word them as your own while coparenting.
 
@saveoursoul Only you can let it destroy the peace in your home. Don't answer his phone calls. Send him to voicemail. Then you can text or email later and ask "Is there something we need to discuss".
 
@saveoursoul Your ex does not have to take your kids or even see them. There is no “minimum” custody requirement. You can’t take him to court to demand he use his custody time.

Block his calls, use a coparenting app, stop throwing court around as a threat, and stop bringing your partner into your discussions with your ex as an authority figure.
 
@dollapy Isn’t a custody order…like…enforceable…as in, that’s the point of the custody order. If he’s not following it then it’s reasonable to change it. He can’t back seat parent, screaming about minutiae like letting an eleven year old stay home for a few hours and then not bother with the custody schedule…or am I nuts?
 
@matthew1423 No. A court order makes the primary parent responsible for making the child(ren) available to the other parent during set times, and if the other parent decides to take them, they are required to return them to the primary parent at the end of the time. That’s it. There is nothing requiring the parent to take the time allotted to them. They simply have to not withhold the kids.
 
@matthew1423 In a sane world you’d be right. The reality is non custodial parents have tons of rights and zero obligations. For example, mine hasn’t seen his kid in months but was still able to block an out of state move just in case he decided to ever step up and be a parent.
 
@matthew1423 Kinda. Like, if he’s not using custody time, she can try to get full custody. But that’s not what she wants. She wants him to take the kids on his custody time, which isn’t enforceable.
 
@saveoursoul I use our family wizard and it's 100 a year. We are also court ordered to only call each other in the case of an emergency.

Free aps are talking parents and appclose
 
@saveoursoul Your biggest mistake in this communication is laying the decisions at your current partners wishes. There was a million ways this could have been communicated, and honestly you chose the worst. If this does go to court, you’ve provided in writing why you and the new spouse are the problem.
 
@lovefaithandhope Agree
You should of stated that u wanted to sit and talk.

I understand ur partner wants a say cause it’s disturbing the peace in your home. But this automatically put your exes guard up causing him to be defensive.
You would also save a lot of money asking for mediation or even co parenting therapy.
I agree with ur ex.
Court never goes the way ppl think it will.

Saying u will take him to court also makes anyone defensive. Plus in court when it’s brought up a judge is gonna tell u something about “threatening it”
 
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