Anyone else in the roommate stage? Seeking solidarity and reassurance..

[jamessmith112]

Husband and I love each other dearly and are a great team when it comes to our 14 mo. She cosleeps and wakes up rather easily if I were to leave the bed. Husband and I have 0 help from anyone, and have yet to find a person we can trust and she will accept to hire as help, so there is absolutely 0 break. He works mornings, I work afternoons, and we switch off, and I go to bed with her every night (usually early) because that’s the only way we get any rest. I feel like we’re roommates and while I rationally know it’s temporary and we are both on board in giving her all the emotional support she asks for, I miss my husband. Many people don’t get it and just tell me to sleep train and hire a baby sitter and let her get used to it, but that’s not within our beliefs as best for her at this time. Would love to hear we’re not alone..

 

[briton]

@jamessmith112 I was you, and I'm back there again in the roommate stage after I had our second 6 months ago. It's a tough phase for sure, but a phase nonetheless. If you are both happy to continue leaning in to your kids current and developing needs, and it's not causing disagreements between you that's really great. I think a lot of the time it's harder for the dads to understand/accept this phase. I don't have loads of advice, just keep communicating, prioritise rest and know things will get easier in time.

 

[jamessmith112]

@briton Thanks for the validation! Dad is thankfully super on board with this, and all that our daughter needs really. While I am so grateful that he is, I almost feel uncomfortable with how okay he is with this phase lol. No real disagreements, just feeling a bit disconnected. Congrats on no2!

 

[tisanewseason]

@jamessmith112 16 months and pretty much at the same stage. We get anything from 40mins - 2 hours together downstairs in the evening but are generally too tired to do anything more than watch footie (him) & scroll reddit (me). I miss my baby girl when she’s asleep. I miss my husband when she’s awake

 

[jamessmith112]

@tisanewseason Omg so relatable!! I’ve been thinking maybe if we do a floor bed I could try to see if she’d stay asleep (or with some practice).. maybe I should try soon. It’s hard to risk having even less sleep

 

[tisanewseason]

@jamessmith112 I understand completely, I was very anxious to leave her initially, but she does resettle very easily once she’s woken up. I run upstairs and lay back down with her with my boob in her mouth and she’s calm and back to sleep within a minute or two (we bedshare)

 

[jamessmith112]

@tisanewseason That’s reassuring! Nursing to sleep (is the only real thing that) works for us too!

 

[tisanewseason]

@jamessmith112 Likewise! Try it if you’re ready to, but don’t force yourself

 

[jamessmith112]

@tisanewseason Thanks for the encouragement!

 

[thetorturedsoul]

@jamessmith112 I feel this. So relatable. For me I love physical affection, it's nice to be hugged. Try devoting 20 mins a day to whatever is going to make you feel reconnected... For me it's getting those hugs lol If you have less time than that just start with 5 mins. I know the ships passing in the night vibe and it's tough to get through sometimes. Trying to find routine moments where I knew if I need my husband Im going to see him at this point and get a couple one on one moments with him helped put me at ease and not stress about feeling like this was going to last forever.

 

[jamessmith112]

@thetorturedsoul Oof, same!! I’ve really needed more physical touch (hugs especially)!

 

[shinesobright]

@jamessmith112 So get this, not only were we already in the roommate stage like this, but in November my husband switched jobs and went from being remote and at home, to gone for long hours. Commuting 4 hours a day.. Then beginning of February we moved to be closer, but he still gets home at the same time because his job is demanding.

Now this week he has to present a test for his new position and he is studying like crazy. I don’t know how we can grow any further apart. I am taking on more of the household duties so he doesn’t feel overwhelmed.

I thank you for your post, we are at 18 months and co sleeping. Baby still is breastfeeding as well, and we have no help as well. We don’t want to sleep train, don’t believe in crying it out either etc. Its so interesting that this is just what it is right now.

PS. Bonus points for my husband who left for a 2 day work trip and came back home with the nastiest virus that gave us sore throats, cough, stomach aches, sinus congestion, PINK EYE, and so much fatigue and choking at night. Its hard!!

I hope you guys get through it soon!

 

[jamessmith112]

@shinesobright Oof, that’s rough! Still breastfeeding here too. May we all get through this season and have more time together!!

 

[presbyterianjay]

@jamessmith112 Would it help to add a sound machine? I found that my baby would also easily wake up if I left the bed or startle with the slightest sound. But when I have the sound machine on, I can slowly roll away and leave her for a bit. And sometimes this is when husband and I spend time together.

 

[jamessmith112]

@presbyterianjay Thanks for the suggestion. We do have a sound machine going. I’m wondering if leaving something with my smell may work, though it didn’t when she was much younger.

 

[lisaar]

@jamessmith112 10 months in and feeling the same. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with fear that our marriage won't survive this.

 

[jamessmith112]

@lisaar That’s where I’m at too. Solidarity.

 

[kyleeak]

@jamessmith112 Does she need your attention 24/7? If you’re not touching her or looking at her, she what cries the entire time?

 

[jamessmith112]

@kyleeak She definitely demands our attention most of the time. She’s grown her ability to play by herself for maybe 5 minutes or so but that happens only sporadically. She’s never been one to tolerate being in her pack and play or play area alone for any period of time. In the stroller is about the only time she’s cool just watching her surroundings.

 

[kyleeak]

@jamessmith112 And she will wake if you aren’t touching her the entire time while she sleeps?