Anybody else feel like a bit of a failure?

[ladyknox]

I know ‘failure’ is a harsh word, but that’s how I feel. I had a horrible, horrible pregnancy that still seems like a fever-dream to me 3 yrs later. I usually name that as the main reason to be OAD, because

a) most people respect that answer and stop pestering

and

b) it’s nicer to say out loud (or admit even to myself…) than ‘I was not made to be a mum. I love my LO more than anything, but being a mum has turned me into anxious, nervous, crying, angry mess. I can barely handle one amd that is with a very involved and loving partner at my side.’

It’s a big topic with my therapist. It’s almost like I expect myself to be a better mum all the time and really embrace the experience and like I should want more than one.
I only have one. People always act like that is parenting on Easy Street. So why am I so bad at it.

I feel almost broken as a woman and I KNOW there’s a whole lot ot mysoginistic, patriarchical, archaic, gender-binary enforcing… and whatever else BS to unpack with that.

Logically knowing this doesn’t seem to make the emotions/thoughts stop though.

Sorry. I just needed to ‘say’ that to somebody besides my therapist and SO. :/

EDIT:
Thank you. Yesterday I felt like I would burst if I didn’t post this and just typing it out helped. Then I saw all your lovely responses and it reminded me that I’m not alone in feeling like this.

Thanks for all your kind words and also sharing your own experiences. I’ll try to remind myself that I’m doing my best.

 

[katrina2017]

@ladyknox I just want to say you are still in the thickest part of raising a child and I promise you it gets easier. I would say you are just about to turn a corner, the difference between a 1-3 year old and a 4-5 year old is immense. You are NOT a failure, this stuff is just hard. People may make it “look” easy but it is just the appearance of ease. They have kids who tantrum and meltdown and go through sleep regression too.

I feel for you and just remember the idea of the perfect mom is a myth. We are all human and we all struggle.

 

[eliass]

@katrina2017 Some babies have complementary temperaments for their parents, too. If sleep was my hill to die on, my son would be a rubbish baby for me to have and his newborn and infant stages would be miserable. I function very well without sleep, so it isn't a problem for me. If he was a big screamer I don't think I'd want more babies haha, my neurodiverse brain doesn't like it.

 

[godismyhonor]

@eliass Howwww do you function well without sleep? Is it something I can learn lol

 

[eliass]

@godismyhonor Grow up playing an MMORPG with friends in a different time zone, then get a rotating work roster that includes night shifts and work that job for years also subsist on 90% iced coffee and paranoia.

 

[katrina2017]

@ladyknox Well.. I’m actually in a very similar situation. OAD because my labor was completely horrific and I was close to dying and I knew it. To make it worse I couldn’t make any milk which crushed me. I got PSTD from my labor and had my tubes removed a year ago because I didn’t want to put my family through that again. Having to deal with a mom/ wife with PTSD.

But my husband wants another. My son, now 4, wants a sibling. I can no longer provide that.

So I feel like a total failure. So many women have bad labors and have another. Why couldn’t I?

I think for me, the important thing I try to remember is not to compare myself to other women and our family to other families. We know what we’re capable of and there’s no shame in knowing your own limits.
In fact I think it’s rather wise and introspective of to you realize your limits. There are plenty of parents who have many children, who have no regard as to how they parent.

And also the fact that your so worried about being a good mom tells me you’re a much better mother than you think you are. Just enjoy your time with the little as much as you can. That’s all that matters.

 

[4evrhis]

@katrina2017 Just want to comment as another mom who had an “almost worst case scenario” labor (meaning: die).

Yes. Other people do go through bad labors and have more children. BUT, I’ve also realized a lot of people don’t go through labors like mine (or yours). Most labors with complications don’t come with hospital social worker visits before you’re discharged where you are highly recommended to talk with a trauma therapist. Most complicated labors don’t land the mom in the ICU. Most complicated labors don’t result in the mom running into L&D nurses months or years after their child was born and being told that not only do they remember you, but that your delivery was one of the worst they had ever seen/attended.

It takes so much to be able to acknowledge your limits even if they are different than the future you had planned. It doesn’t make you a failure, OP.

 

[katrina2017]

@4evrhis This!!!!! Thank you for this.

 

[followerb]

@katrina2017 I just had my baby less than two weeks ago, and it was a hard pregnancy that ended with a placental abruption at 36 weeks on the dot. I am dealing with a lot of trauma- and I probably can’t have more children even if I wanted to. The plan was always ONE, but not being able to finish my pregnancy has me in a weird place. Like I miss him kicking me. When I listen to music, I’m no longer listening for two. I know it’s hormones, but right now I feel like a total failure. I know I can’t help that it was a bad placenta, but almost killing me and my baby.. I can’t put my husband through that again. I can’t put my baby through that with another sibling. It sucks all around. I didn’t even think I would miss my pregnancy before the emergency c-section because it was so rough. But now all I can think about is not being able to have one again, even though it was never the plan. It’s tough

 

[moriarty777]

@ladyknox I had a dream pregnancy, birth and recovery (except for the COVID part.)

The lack of sleep, stress and outright lack of time for self care ruined me in the fourth trimester.

I just feel like I'm starting to recover a bit 19 months later. So I don't have anything to say other than "No thank you, I like being a sane person."

But if I had an easier for people to digest excuse I'd use it, no hesitation.

 

[rach93]

@moriarty777 This is 100% me too. I am a walking zombie and when I see my eyes in the mirror and how sunken they are I feel like I'm going to break. I am more lucky than many, especially single moms, given that my husband is a stay at home dad, but I feel like even then I am taking on a disproportionate burden of the work-- I'm exclusively breastfeeding/pumping because I feel like a failure if I give formula and those times with just me and baby give me motivation to keep going. I'm the breadwinner so I have work but I'm a contract employee so I only have until the end of this year so I'm trying to find a job. I'm a light sleeper whereas my husband could sleep through the house burning down around him, so I do every single night wake. I have quite literally only slept about 3 hours a night for months now, and it is only going to get worse since I was relying on the 6am~9am slot to sleep and my work schedule will change to start at 830 (so waking up at 630 to leave).

I feel like a failure because I can't accept any solutions to fix this...and I have absolutely no excuse except my own stubbornness...so I am basically just killing myself. I am completely breaking and it is my own fault.

Go to therapy, you have PPA... yeah who's gonna pay for it? That's more hours I'm going to have to work and time that could be used for job hunting.

Just give formula-- breastmilk is the one thing only I can give her and I want to set her up with a good foundation for the rest of her life, and it makes it kinda seem worth all the sleepless nights and days.

Take shifts-- my husband is ducking useless at reasonably doing anything related to night shift baby care. I can hear her through the thin walls, I feel useless if she's getting a pumped bottle and in pain if it's been a few hours since shes eaten anyways, I am paranoid hes going to fall asleep with her or miss something (like her pulling on her bib and choking herself, or coughing to clear spit up and choking) because hes a heavy sleeper.

Have your husband work full time-- I worked so hard to get here and I make way more than him, so it seems like such a financial mistake for me to be a SAHM, especially also considering I didnt really want kids and we agreed I'd continue my career and he would be the SAHP since he wanted to be a dad.

I have absolutely no excuse for being miserable and tons of solutions that I am simply just unwilling to take....so in the end every single predicament is my own fault and because of my own stubbornness. So I know logically that I have no right to be breaking but I desperately want someone to see me and acknowledge me and validate it I guess ?

this turned into a weird rant and self pity party, so I'm going to stop now, but jesus I am stuck and breaking more and more every day and dont know how to escape this feedback loop.

 

[divine37]

@ladyknox I could have written your post, it’s so hard and I know exactly what you mean. I’m frequently telling my husband i feel like a failure as a mom and that im not cut out for it. The feeling is made worse by seeing other people happily have 2 or more kids. It’s hard.

 

[ishban00]

@ladyknox So much empathy for you OP. I know this feeling well.

 

[sungkem]

@ladyknox Raising a kid is the hardest thing I've ever done and fail at it daily.

 

[tom9820]

@ladyknox I don’t think social media has helped in making us all feel more inadequate as mothers. I have to remind myself daily that what we see online is just a snapshot of another person’s life. Many parents struggle but paint the perfect family picture online. My therapist told me that on those days I have negative thoughts about my capabilities as a mother I need to look at the positives no matter how simple they seem; I fed my child today, I dressed my child today, I read a book with my child etc and that IS enough. We all have bad days even as parents.

 

[boldlywalking]

@ladyknox I have the same feelings. My child is relatively easy and I have a very loving and involved partner but I still feel like being a mom, or parent, is so hard and I don't really enjoy it. It's nice knowing I'm not the only one, thank you for sharing.

 

[seymore52]

@ladyknox I had a stress free pregnancy and labour and thought I’d love being a mum. I don’t.

I went into having a baby wanting to have 2. After 1 I feel done.

You aren’t alone.

I wouldn’t say I feel like a failure. I just don’t think it’s as enjoyable as I hoped and I don’t see myself wanting to do this again.

All of this of course comes with the caveat (we all feel we need to include every time although it really goes without saying) that I love my daughter more than anything on this planet. She does bring me so much joy. Watching her develop and her little personality grow. But being a mum doesn’t bring me joy as much as I’d hoped (the cooking, cleaning, sleepless nights, no ability to be sick and rest, caring for someone else 24/7, thinking of activities to do to keep her occupied etc)

 

[lambrini]

@seymore52 I feel the same way and society makes me feel like a monster for it! Honestly I've never been a mummy type. I love my daughter and love being her mum. But I don't want to do it again. And I have no interest in all the shit that comes along with it, constant vigilance and carrying the load and house duties, Mothers groups etc.

 

[jkate456]

@ladyknox I could have written this 100%. I think it doesn't help that people on social media always post the best pieces of their life and are rarely honest because they don't want other people to know they are struggling too. People are FAKE so it makes us feel like failures.

 

[aleksandros]

@ladyknox I am glad you have a therapist. You are in a rough part of parenting. I sent my only off to college last week and I just want to say it gets better. For me being able to not lose myself was really important. Not saying all parents of multiples lose themselves, I just know I would not have been able to do it. I know my limits, that doesn’t make me a failure. I could have raised more children and made it, but I am glad I did it on my terms. I get one chance at life, I made the best one for me.