Anybody else feel like a bit of a failure?

[katrina2017]

@ladyknox You hit my exact feelings spot on. Thank you for sharing

 

[haasrecht]

@ladyknox You are an awesome Mum. And you are exactly the Mum your kiddo picked. Be kind to yourself. I don't think any of us look like the mum we expected to be pre-baby! But how could we? How could we know what sort of Mum our child would need us to be.

And just when you get the hang of one stage, it's gone, and the next one is here. It sucks. But also mean any "stage" you don't love will be over soon. *Except the Frozen stage. That was a dark 2 years...

My suggestions are as follows - pick 3 things about being a Mum you want to nail. Just 3. And nail them. Everything else, is a pass/ fail grade - and survival is the pass. Phone it in Baby! Want to be the Mum that reads every night? Teaches your kids times tables by 5? Have the most artistic kid? Make the best rainbow cup cakes Mum? Go to the park for an hour every day Mum? Be nature Mum? Kid with always perfect hair Mum? Kid with best manners? Only organic lunchbox Mum? Always at swimming lessons Mum? Play board games every Wednesday night Mum? Whatever it is that is important to you - nail it. X 3. But just 3. That's the trick to feeling like a good Mum, and looking like a good Mum.

Other tip - Write down 100 things you do well as a Mum. Doesn't have to be all at once. Just write them on the fridge as you think of them. Tiniest things. It will shift your perspective to all the amazing things you are doing right. You go this! You are doing an amazing job. And none of us feel like we have it together all of the time.

 

[cm_12]

@ladyknox This thread does me so much good. I am so lonely.

 

[abraham7777]

@ladyknox I tell people that i don’t want to play life on hard mode. Although I had to do IVF to have my son (4.5 months old), everything else so far has been smooth. Virtually no symptoms in pregnancy, a medicated birth where I was cracking jokes while pushing, and a very chill baby that doesn’t cry much and doesn’t need to be held constantly.

I still don’t want another. I love my son beyond words but I don’t think that being a mom is the thing I was “meant to do.” I’m meant to do a lot of things, motherhood is just one of them.

 

[katrina2017]

@ladyknox I don’t know if this is helpful to you- but I started pulling away from social media this year and while I still feel like a failure as a mother (thanks, brain) I feel that way tremendously less. I’d say like 90% less. So if you find yourself on socials often, maybe you too are subconsciously comparing yourself go unrealistic standards.

 

[evandoug]

@ladyknox We are OAD via adoption. We don’t feel like we have the capacity to go through adoption again. And frankly while we love being parents, experiencing it once is enough. Our life has the right balance between parenting, careers and fun. But I often have a feeling of being “lesser”than women who are able to birth and are able to handle raising multiple children. I feel like I’m somehow weaker. I also feel selfish since we do have the finances and space to adopt another child if we wanted to and there are many children needing homes. I don’t know the answer, but you aren’t alone in your feelings. Society has so deeply ingrained in us that we aren’t living up to expectations if we don’t have 2+ kids.

 

[vtkong1]

@ladyknox If we hold ourselves to some impossible standard, then we’d all be failures by that definition. Perfection is a lie and not attainable. Children who behave well all the time, and parents who have it all together don’t exist. Go easy on yourself mama! You’re already doing better than you think!

 

[fragilelily]

@ladyknox I openly tell people that I had suicidal PREnatal depression and that almost always makes them "get it". Then I explain that I ended up with PTSD for the next 2 years and 9 months coz I want EVERYONE to know that some people just can't have more and that's 100% ok. We can't help how we're wired. Whether it's in our genetics, our experiences in life, or most likely both, it's much better that we recognise our limitations and work within our capacity than keep baby making to the detriment of ourselves and our families. In knowing ourselves and making good decisions we're setting an excellent example for our children.

 

[ibantpi]

@ladyknox Women are taught from toddlerhood to be caregivers. We give our daughters baby dolls with prams, pretend nappies/bottles, high chairs and fake food.

Babysitting is usually one of the first paying "jobs" women have - in their early-mid teen years. Daughters are usually the ones to care for their siblings when the parents are busy.

You are not a failure. I know a lot of women who are genuinely so happy just being wives to their husbands and mothers to their children - but I am also not one of those women.

I dont get how they do it. I'm not a naturally maternal person, so I will only ever have one child. Parenting doesn't come easy to me. I was tortured and abused in all ways by my biological mother for 23 years, starting from the moment the creature bought me home from the hospital. I know what NOT to do, but the right things to do aren't always obvious. I couldn't do it for an extra child.

I see it as a win. That we know ourselves this well, we save ourselves and any extra little lives the trouble of the struggle. By accepting that this is who we are, we can move forward. The guilt is from the decades of being taught & told this is what we are supposed to do - be baby making machines.

 

[catlover88]

@ladyknox I felt really broken as a woman, too. I have PCOS and am infertile, so needed a decent amount of help just to get and stay pregnant. That felt like the first strike against me. Then, they told me the night before birth that I'd need a c-section. I felt like a failure for that, too. I then had next to no supply come in. That was strike 3. Then he screamed all day, every day, for months.

I felt like a failure and for the longest time, my sole reason for talking myself into possibly having a second was for a redemption birth. I wanted to have a VBAC, BF my baby, and enjoy the cuddly newborn phase I'd been denied the first time. I then realised that life does not guarantee me an easy second birth just because the first one was hard. It also does not erase the hardships of the first birth.

You are NOT a failure, you actually sound a lot like me (I am now an anxious, nervous mess of a mum myself). I like one of the comments a pp left you on here, telling you to set three parenting goals and to just focus on those for now. You've got this!

 

[breakers22]

@ladyknox Thank you for posting this! I think the failure part (for OAD decision or anything else) comes from others’ expectations that we have internalized as our own. For now I am OAD (not sure if I will have a change of heart) and found peace with this decision once I realized that OAD was even an option. How freeing! I can’t believe I had just accepted that I was supposed to sacrifice so much of myself without even questioning why (the patriarchy again?) Still not sure if the freeing feeling is being OAD or just realizing I don’t have to care about society’s/whomever’s expectations and can make decisions as I see fit.