I just discovered this sub and so glad! Are there any moms out there who have known they have plans for subsequent babies but wavering on the timeline? For context it’s actually my husband that wants to move it up and I want to space it out. I’m nearly 5 months post partum and my doctor cleared me to only have to wait one year to get pregnant again. Husband would rather try sooner than later since we plan on 3, but while I’m still working on baby to crib nap I can’t even imagine wrangling two kids at once. I told him I’m thinking if it in milestones, once baby can do x then we can start trying for the next. Has anyone else been in this boat?
Anxiety over planning for baby number 2+?
- Thread starter cls0583
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- waiting for baby
@cls0583 I don’t have baby #1 yet, but I think your concerns are very valid. I honestly don’t know when “2 under 2” became more of the norm, especially when at the same time modern parents seem to get less and less support. Why do we insist on doing things in hard mode?!
I think we will be pretty solidly one and done, but if I were to have a second I would wait until #1 was in kindergarten so we don’t have to double up on daycare payments. My friends’ kids are 5 years apart and they are still very close. The older daughter also likes to be able to help out, and actually can! The whole “too far in age” feels exaggerated.
I think we will be pretty solidly one and done, but if I were to have a second I would wait until #1 was in kindergarten so we don’t have to double up on daycare payments. My friends’ kids are 5 years apart and they are still very close. The older daughter also likes to be able to help out, and actually can! The whole “too far in age” feels exaggerated.
chantelle24
New member
@tim_o I think two under two is kind of a response to shitty mat leave--it minimizes the number of years you're out of the workforce. Like, if you want two kids and they're four years apart, you take some time off for kid one, get back into the swing of things for a year, and then have to take more time off for kid two, so it's essentially a four or five year span of not being able to work like a not-parent. If the kids are close in age, it's more like a two year span, and then you can get them both into daycare/school and then go back to working as if you didn't have kids. (I am feeling pretty anticapitalist right now, lol, but I do think this is part of it).
@chantelle24 Oh totally, all issues can point back to lack of support for parents and especially mothers. I’m sure moms who may choose or are forced to leave the workforce to be SAHPs also would prefer to have kids closer together so they can get back to work. My husband has a cousin in London and she was out of the workforce for 5 years and going back now, and she says it’s completely different in her field now (marketing). She’s finding it a struggle to be able to come back, even after a relatively short time.
@cls0583 Yes I was. My husband wanted to start for #2 asap. It didn’t really get better, I just had to reexplain myself and hold firm 
I’m sure plenty of redditors would come for me and tell me to leave him, but 
he just loves babies and wanted another one. I was never in any danger or pressured beyond my comfort level. They just physically can not understand the toll having a baby can take on your body and exhaustion.
Your doctor’s advice should be reason alone to wait, as well as your own comfort, but if you need extra explanation, do you breastfeed? If so, pregnancy dries up your milk supply pretty quickly. If you get pregnant under 1 year pp, you have to supplement.
Also, I’m a grad x2. I’m currently first tri and have a 13 month old. It is SO exhausting.
I’m sure plenty of redditors would come for me and tell me to leave him, but he just loves babies and wanted another one. I was never in any danger or pressured beyond my comfort level. They just physically can not understand the toll having a baby can take on your body and exhaustion. Your doctor’s advice should be reason alone to wait, as well as your own comfort, but if you need extra explanation, do you breastfeed? If so, pregnancy dries up your milk supply pretty quickly. If you get pregnant under 1 year pp, you have to supplement.
Also, I’m a grad x2. I’m currently first tri and have a 13 month old. It is SO exhausting.
@cmanu63 I should clarify! He is happy waiting until the doctor said date, but he’s rather in the camp of ‘let’s try by the end of the year’ where as I am more in the camp of let’s wait till next summer and see. My husband loves kids and he gives me SO much support. I’m a SAHM, and he is full time WFH so it’s extremely do able compared to most, but still so daunting to have them so close in age!
@cls0583 Ahh fair! Good!! I feel like I made my husband sound like a manipulative creep 
he is not, just always needed to hear the reasons why.
Yeah, it is super intimidating. I’m not sure where the 2 under 2 “trend” has come from tbh! They’re weird feelings to balance. I was in the same boat, split the difference at 12 months postpartum, but honestly, I’d have probably waited a few more.
he is not, just always needed to hear the reasons why.Yeah, it is super intimidating. I’m not sure where the 2 under 2 “trend” has come from tbh! They’re weird feelings to balance. I was in the same boat, split the difference at 12 months postpartum, but honestly, I’d have probably waited a few more.
@cls0583 Hmm…
I think, yes. Perhaps sleeping through the night (he doesn’t), or walking more independently (he walks, but still wants to be carried quite frequently).
The thing is to me these milestones are not particularly guaranteed on a timeline the way some of the more physical ones are (well for sleep at least). I was not willing to wait ~2-3 years for him to STTN. My husband and I are not and never have been sleepers.
I also think, sure, STTN would be nice, but wouldn’t potty trained make it even easier? There’s just a personal line to draw I think because waiting in some ways will always make some parts easier. If I’m making sense
For what it’s worth. You can totally have 3 and still spread them out if you choose to wait for particular milestones! I am one of 4, and the closest age difference between sibs is 3 years. My mom had her first at 25 and last at 39. Her preferred gap she’s told me is 3 years.
I think, yes. Perhaps sleeping through the night (he doesn’t), or walking more independently (he walks, but still wants to be carried quite frequently).
The thing is to me these milestones are not particularly guaranteed on a timeline the way some of the more physical ones are (well for sleep at least). I was not willing to wait ~2-3 years for him to STTN. My husband and I are not and never have been sleepers.
I also think, sure, STTN would be nice, but wouldn’t potty trained make it even easier? There’s just a personal line to draw I think because waiting in some ways will always make some parts easier. If I’m making sense
For what it’s worth. You can totally have 3 and still spread them out if you choose to wait for particular milestones! I am one of 4, and the closest age difference between sibs is 3 years. My mom had her first at 25 and last at 39. Her preferred gap she’s told me is 3 years.
@cls0583 My husband is of the same mind, as am I actually lol.
My husband and I are each one of 4 but my family has a 14 year spread and his has a 6 year spread. Our same-aged, similar incomed parents are living totally different lives now. His are going on transatlantic trips and mine are still parenting a high school student!
Childcare Id say is probably the most important milestone
My husband and I are each one of 4 but my family has a 14 year spread and his has a 6 year spread. Our same-aged, similar incomed parents are living totally different lives now. His are going on transatlantic trips and mine are still parenting a high school student!
Childcare Id say is probably the most important milestone
@cmanu63 Naw man I want 2 in diapers and then 2 in school so we can travel and the kids will be on similar paths/abilities. I don’t want massive differences between who can climb what or carry what or ride what. Close but not uncomfortably close (irish twins? No thanks!) My goal was 18 mo between pregnancies, especially since I went early with my first. I wanted to be fully recovered myself to improve chances of not being preterm again, but close enough together they can play and be buddies.
@cls0583 Just as something to consider, here's an article summarizing research on pregnancy spacing - basically, best outcomes for both mother and babies come from at least 18 months between pregnancies (birth to conception). The highest risks are from and under 6 months, and 12 months avoids most of the risks, but maximal outcomes are from 18+ months.
Partly considering that and partly just our intuitive sense of what a manageable spacing was, we started trying again when our first was almost 18 months and were successful right away, so they are 2y2m apart. I am happy with the spacing and think it avoided some of the hardest parts of 2 under 2, and our first daughter didn't feel like a baby anymore at that point and could communicate well enough that we could explain what was going on, but they are still close in age and absolutely adore each other. You're only at 5 months and really in the thick of it - you might feel differently once you're into the early toddler phase!
My husband was like yours, he wanted to get the early years over with ASAP. But truly, having one older makes a big difference, and if we had the time I'd love to wait a little longer for #3. But I'll be 38 in a few months and my husband's next birthday is his 40th, so we don't really have that luxury.
Partly considering that and partly just our intuitive sense of what a manageable spacing was, we started trying again when our first was almost 18 months and were successful right away, so they are 2y2m apart. I am happy with the spacing and think it avoided some of the hardest parts of 2 under 2, and our first daughter didn't feel like a baby anymore at that point and could communicate well enough that we could explain what was going on, but they are still close in age and absolutely adore each other. You're only at 5 months and really in the thick of it - you might feel differently once you're into the early toddler phase!
My husband was like yours, he wanted to get the early years over with ASAP. But truly, having one older makes a big difference, and if we had the time I'd love to wait a little longer for #3. But I'll be 38 in a few months and my husband's next birthday is his 40th, so we don't really have that luxury.
@cls0583 I went into motherhood thinking we’d have a second 3 years later. As my daughter’s second birthday approached, I felt no where near ready to try again. I was FINALLY feeling like myself again and didn’t want that to disappear so soon. Turns out parenthood is really hard lol. We decided to punt it a year and wait until she was 3. We still didn’t feel totally ready but we thought about the long term and how we knew we’d like two so we we went for it a few months later after her third birthday. I got pregnant, then found out it was twins and entered a full panic, and unfortunately miscarried. We’re now thinking of punting it out again so there’d be a 5 year gap. I’m glad we’ve been able to give our daughter such focus and energy. She’s a tough one but also so lovely. I’m excited for her to view a sibling as a fun new adventure that she is apart of instead of not understanding what was going on.
The wavering is real!
The wavering is real!
sallyalder
New member
katrina2017
New member
@cls0583 Yes we are in this boat now, although our first is coming up 1.5 years. At first my partner was still considering if he wanted a second and he definitely wanted to wait. Now he says he's ready to try this summer but I'm suddenly a bit anxious. This night my first slept very badly and every time that happens I'm like can I really deal with a second right now? On the other hand, my partner is 10 years older than me so we don't have as much time as I'd like. If he had been my age I'd have happily waited like 4 years but I don't want him to be too old.
6110030070081
New member
@cls0583 Our daughter is just shy of 18months, and things are a lot more manageable and a lot more challenging in different ways. I feel now I’m really into the swing of things, she’s adjusted to daycare, she can communicate her needs well and no longer needs to be latched to me to survive. So, I expect when you approach this age your feelings may be a bit different. Im glad I can enjoy more of my rediscovered independence (work drinks! Girls weekend!) before being pregnant again.
I have seen people with 2 under 2 - a bumper in my group has a 13-14m gap between her 2 babies - and it looks extremely difficult. Of course a lot of joy and it’ll be great when they’re a little older, but a lot of work up front with such a small age gap. We also have ZERO help nearby, so no village to support us when the time comes.
We are probably going to aim for a 2.5yr gap so will TTC early this summer. I’ve spent time with some 2.5yo kids recently and they really have a whole other level of independence again compared to 1.5yo so I think it’ll be a good balance for us.
I have seen people with 2 under 2 - a bumper in my group has a 13-14m gap between her 2 babies - and it looks extremely difficult. Of course a lot of joy and it’ll be great when they’re a little older, but a lot of work up front with such a small age gap. We also have ZERO help nearby, so no village to support us when the time comes.
We are probably going to aim for a 2.5yr gap so will TTC early this summer. I’ve spent time with some 2.5yo kids recently and they really have a whole other level of independence again compared to 1.5yo so I think it’ll be a good balance for us.
@cls0583 We are wavering on timelines but in a different way before we had our first we both imagined having two children. Our first was a very challenging newborn, my husband had terrible PPD and I developed health anxiety after a scary medical event. We both had to seek therapy this year. My husband is very much swaying towards being one and done now. I originally thought we’d wait the recommended 18 months, but now that we have an 11 month old, I honestly can’t imagine being pregnant again with a toddler. I am leaning towards a 4 year age gap, so TTC when our LO turns three, with some timeline check ins along the way.
before we had our first we both imagined having two children. Our first was a very challenging newborn, my husband had terrible PPD and I developed health anxiety after a scary medical event. We both had to seek therapy this year. My husband is very much swaying towards being one and done now. I originally thought we’d wait the recommended 18 months, but now that we have an 11 month old, I honestly can’t imagine being pregnant again with a toddler. I am leaning towards a 4 year age gap, so TTC when our LO turns three, with some timeline check ins along the way.