@juelrei Girl, same. We hadnt been together since HS and I got preganant at 28. I 100% believe his abandoment was due to me, too. It took me a long time to realize, that's not a valid reason to abandon your child. HE'S being selfish. HE'S in the wrong and that's ALLLL on him. I don't even stress about it anymore. I don't talk bad about him around her and always try to nourish their relationship but, I never force it. That's not my place. My place is to raise the strongest, most amazing little girl I can.
Ah, yes, the guilt. Woooo! Yes! That mom guilt is absolutely not talked about enough. Don't feel guilty for loving her, protecting her and guiding her as you want. Don't let ANYONE make you feel messed up or upset for your parenting choices or what you feel is right. I let my family have WAY too much sway over how I was a mom, since I was single parent and allowed then to burn me out with their criticism. I developed horrible post pardum depression and absolutely lost my mind.
That being said, 1000%, if you're financially okay, don't get him envolved. Don't force it. Don't provide him the opportunity to let her down or make her feel hurt. I also gentle parent and her father 100% does not. It's hard. Beyond hard. We don't see eye to eye. We always struggle with the major decisions like vaccines and stuff. If you can save up the money for a lawyer (on that note I would advise alllll communications you still have between you two, be printed off and in a notebook, hard copies of everrrrrything) and after she's 2 or 3 and he's had no contact, talk about making sure he only gets visitations, supervised for the first few months if possible and get the CS. It's his choice to neglect her. It's your choice and right to make sure he's not lurking, constantly in the background, haunting you and your sanity and security.
Also, if you never have him on the BC, when/if you get married and your partner wants to adopt, it'll be sooooooooooooo much easier. It might be worth even simply talking to a lawyer if you should just go after paternity to have him sign his rights over. Granted, unless he goes after custody or paternity on his own, legally he'll never have rights since he's not on the BC. Sadly, men(and women) have been known to show up once the child(ren) are of an age they can take care of themselves, when they no longer need supervision and want a relationship with them. Or maybe his current SO will leave him and he will decide he wants to not be lonely and get to know your babe. Too many variables could trigger his conscience.
So, if you don't want CS, I'd SERIOUSLY advise to talk to a lawyer and see what it would take to make sure he's never going to have parental rights. Allow that to be up to you and you only, if in 10 years he's got his act together, stable and wants to make up for his lack of contact. My guess is, he'll never pursue any contact the way he's behaving but, better to be safe than sorry.
Chaos will always surround you, don't allow the chaos to infect you. Get your ducks in a row. Obtain all knowledge you can, prepare yourself and get to a place of peace. Having this always weighing on you is absolutely soul crushing. If for no other reason, prepare for, you. You can't be there for her or take care of her, if you're not in a good place mentally/emotionally. Make yourself confident! Make yourself so sure of the options and risks that you TRUST your mommy choices thus, allowing that mom guilt to melt away too.
None of us truly know what we're doing as parents. We learn, adapt and grow. We're out here breaking generational curses, S seems to not realize they exist or he would never be able to ignore her like he is. Save her from that confusion. She might be mad when she 12-17 but, keeping communication open will help immensely. Always answer the questions she has about S, with appropriate responses for age of course. Make sure her emotional foundation is so unshakable that, if he let's her down in the future, she doesn't take it personally. That's all on him but, the child is the one who holds that pain. (If you opt to not see about getting his rights terminated or he shows up in 5-10 years looking to get to know her)
Okay, I'm stepping off my soap box
if you want to talk more feel free to reply or dm me.