Am I in the wrong?

[swapnaamanna]

My baby is 7 months old and my husband told me that his mum doesn’t feel like a grandmother.

We live next to my MIL and she sees our baby all the time cause our house is currently being renovated and we have to use the bathroom in her house to shower. We also have Sunday dinner every week and she gets to properly spend time, hold her, play with her, etc.

When my husband told me what his mum said it broke me. I live in a different country from my family (8 hours time difference) and my family has yet to meet and hold my baby. We can’t simply just visit my family cause of the financial strain that we’re already under at the minute.

My husband told me that he wants me to ask his mum for help, ie., take care of our baby for a few hours, even if I don’t need the help, just so that his mum feels like a grandmother. I see where he is coming from but I’m just not ready. I’m not ready to leave my baby to be taken care by someone else, even if it’s my MIL and even if it’s just a few hours..I’m trying really hard to push myself to get ready quicker because I feel like how I’m being is wrong.

 

[smelta01]

@swapnaamanna You are not in the wrong. I do think it’s beneficial for babies to interact and form attachments to other family members. But it sounds like your baby is spending plenty of time with it’s grandma. Nobody has a right to babysit or spend time with your baby except their parents. If you don’t feel comfortable with it I would just keep things the way they are.

I have had relatives ask to babysit my child as well. I don’t really need a babysitter so I am always wondering why? We come visit all the time. Why do you need to be alone with my baby? What difference does it make? I really don’t understand.

 

[swapnaamanna]

@smelta01 Those are exactly my thoughts! I’m trying to be sensitive to how my MIL feels but I just don’t understand why does she have to say that she doesn’t feel like a grandmother. I mean I know I will eventually ask for her to babysit but not now.

I have even talked to her once about how I wanna set healthy boundaries because I felt like she was always around and dropping comments like “oh I never bathe my child every night and they still turned out alright so I don’t know why you do it” which obviously hurt my feelings cause my husband would instantly think his mum is right by wanting to do what his mum has done. I may have gone off topic sorry lol

 

[smelta01]

@swapnaamanna You need to talk with your husband, he needs to have your back on things! The previous generation of parents did a lot of things differently than we do now. A lot of the things they did were not beneficial or safe. I’m sure in 30 years our kids will also do things differently than we currently are! It’s just life and your mother in law needs to realize she isn’t right about everything. You are the mother. You and your husband make the decisions, not her.

 

[green520]

@swapnaamanna See this is a different issue. No one is allowed to watch the baby who isn’t going to follow your rules for baby, end of story. Husband needs to back you.

 

[puddintain]

@smelta01

Why do you need to be alone with my baby? What difference does it make? I really don’t understand.

It really builds a different relationship. Baby is always gonna look to their parents first if they are around. My Mom watches my kid for a half day one day a week for me and it really has made a difference. If we are both around she'll often go to my Mom for food, my Mom gets the chance to "spoil" her a little (doesn't go hog wild but like a few graham crackers where as I limit sugar more) and gets a chance to teach her stuff on her own (I think my Mom is training her to be a Rockette at this point as there's many dance moves).

Same with the times she's been watched by her Grandpa or Aunt/Uncle. They get to build a 1-1 relationship with her and it's just very different.

I'm not saying OP is wrong for not wanting her to have 1-1 time but it really does make a difference. And to a certain extent at 7 months it's less of a big deal but this is kind of the time where babies have less stranger danger so it means they aren't trying to establish that 1-1 relationship from nothing when their kid is a toddler and it matters more.

 

[steveo52988]

@puddintain I don’t think OP needs to do anything differently but it struck me how we want a village but don’t actually want it. I have so many wonderful memories of watching/babysitting my nieces and nephews so their parents could rest or go out. I loved spending time with them. Even though we live in different countries, they’re all still so attached to me and I to them.

 

[katherinejackson]

@puddintain My mother has watched my son once a week since he was 4 months old and the bond they’ve created melts my heart. For reference, my son is 2 now. I wish my MIL could do the same, but her career is very high paced and time consuming. My SIL and I discuss how we both wish my MIL(her mother) would step back from her job some in order to spend more 1 on 1 time with her grandsons. I am extremely close to my maternal grandmother to this day, due to the relationship we built from birth onward.

I’m sorry you can’t be around your parents more during such a special time. Hopefully that will change in the future. If the situation were reversed, if it was your mother instead of your MIL, would you feel the same? Is that fair to your husband?

I mean no disrespect by asking that. Just playing devils advocate. My MIL drives me crazy at times when it comes to my child. I have to constantly remind myself to take a step back and try to look at things from a different perspective. Or remind myself that she loves my son as fiercely as she loves her own son (daddy), and she is just trying to help. I taught first grade for many years and it was heart breaking to see the lack of familial support/connections at the first school I taught at. Your little one is extremely lucky to have so many people who love her so much. Lots of love

Edit: I think I responded in the wrong area. New to responding on Reddit.

 

[puddintain]

@katherinejackson Lol yeah you did respond in the wrong area. I think you meant to reply to the person one level above me.

 

[dak]

@smelta01 The point where you think "I just want one hour to myself, please" comes at different times for different mothers. For my it was around the first birthday. For my SIL it was after 3 months. So once she asked us to babysit for the first time, I offered that we could make it a regular thing is she felt it would benefit her.

How would the people around you know when the point came where you'd be thankful for someone talking a walk with your child so you could sit down and do something for yourself if they don't ask you?

I love spending time with my nephew and I hope we get to see him regularly and that he can form a good relationship with my kids.

 

[gospeljb]

@swapnaamanna I don’t think you’re in the wrong. But here’s one thing we did to help me be comfortable with others watching the baby. I wouldn’t even leave the house. I’d have someone watch the baby so I could do something like build a bookcase or hang picture frames. Something that I needed to do but I couldn’t do while also watching the baby.

So then I was still there if the baby needed me. And I got more comfortable with the other person taking care of the baby and eventually they started like really babysitting.

 

[zakaro]

@swapnaamanna You are not in the wrong at all. What a strange thing for her to say, truly. There are so many grandparents all over the world who are unable to see their grandchildren that frequently and they still feel like grandparents.

We have both sets of grandparents living nearby so they also see our baby all the time (5 months). They do "help" in that they hold and keep him busy while I get a thing or two done around the house, but we're still there. My MIL does pressure us to leave like to go on a date or something so she can take on a more traditional babysitter role, but like you I don't really have any desire to leave my baby and we like to take him with us on outings etc. It is bizarre to me that she is so insistent because my parents would gladly watch him but would never ask to. We had very different situations growing up though where my inlaws also lived near family and relied on their "village", but my parents both had moved away from home so we always had to travel to see family. But my MIL would never say she doesn't feel like a grandparent.

If you feel up to it, maybe making positive comments about their interactions would help ("Wow, that's a big smile for grandma!" / "You look really cozy there in grandma's arms" / "Grandma and that toy are really fun, huh?")

 

[jaz2016]

@swapnaamanna This is one of the most annoying things about having a baby. Everyone thinks they have a right to exclusive time with them - they do not! You choose when people see the baby and how much time they are allowed to be with the baby, especially alone with the baby. Your husband has to stand up to his mom now or this is going to be a life long battle. He doesnt need to be mean, he just has to gently explain that you love her and appreciate all the time/knowledge she has, and you will reach out when you re ready.

Also, 7 months is very young. I didnt leave my baby alone with my parents until he was well over one.

 

[green520]

@swapnaamanna She doesn’t have to watch baby unsupervised to feel like a grandma. And her feelings are not the reason you should force yourself to let her watch baby. But, if she’s a safe person, then I would want you to ask yourself if you’re not ready for someone to watch baby because of potential PPA or PPD, because that is concerning. If its only normal mom jitters, i agree with having her come watch baby while you’re doing chores around the house. Then, you can see how she is with baby and ease your mind (or see any red flags).

 

[pattygc]

@swapnaamanna My MIL says the same thing. My girl is 6 months old, even since before she was born MIL was asking for ‘nana days’. She’s had 2 but honestly they made me miserable. I cried the entire time. I WANT my baby with me. And honestly why does she need to be with her alone, it’s not like they can do much.

She also says how the baby always has to come with us to see her. Although she complains if we aren’t there for her to see the baby because we’ve gone to visit my parents she wants her all to herself.

 

[jaz2016]

@pattygc Thats so weird! Its not like the baby can even really do anything at that age to create a unique relationship with her. The baby is so young, stop letting her leave you if it makes you uncomfortable, Grandma does not have a right to your baby. Honestly, if there is no way to reasonably say this to MIL, say that your hormones are crazy and it pains you to leave the baby right now

 

[peace101]

@swapnaamanna I think you should come join us over at r/JUSTNOMIL

 

[lcnolen2022]

@peace101 ha i was going to suggest this as well!

 

[soulgazer]

@swapnaamanna I wouldn’t change your behavior because she shared that with him, if anything I would ask your husband not to share complaints like that with you because it makes you feel bad and if his mom wants to talk to you about it to talk to you. It sounds like she has her own expectations about what being a grandmother would be and is adjusting to the reality of it.

Take her advice when it is helpful but if it isn’t you can just say “oh, is that how you used to do baths? Interesting. We like to do it this way” or just compliment her on what a great job she did raising your husband and change the subject. I hope you will be able to see your family and have them meet your little one soon, that sounds really hard.

 

[lindseb]

@swapnaamanna I felt the same as you when my baby was that age. It just takes time. Your husband and grandma need to be patient. Baby needs so much from just mom at that age. It goes quick, but in 6 months baby will be walking all over the place and that's when you're gonna need/want grandma's help. My baby is 13 months now and she's so much more fun/easier for people to interact with.

Maybe you could get grandma to help in ways that support you. Are there any baby related chores you need help with? Some ideas are washing baby clothes, picking up diapers at the store, making some baby food. That way, she feels included in taking care of baby without actually taking care of baby.