Am I a terrible wife for not staying up late with my husband?

[phandara71]

@jramos1996 I get up at 5:15am. I am a crap sleeper that has nightmares fairly often. I also can’t function if I don’t get enough rest. I’m up 1-2 times a night, every night. By 9:30 most nights I’m dragging. I work a full time job, do all the household chores, cooking, and now that the weather is nice again I do the lawn work. The step count on my watch hits 10,000 by 3pm. Most nights by 7pm I’m physically and mentally exhausted.
But it never fails that at some point a snarky comment will be made about me going to bed too early.
It pisses me off royally.
How much energy is one person expected to have? I might get 7 hours if I’m lucky. And getting that 7 hours means I’m guaranteed to go to bed alone. If I’m lucky I’ll get a text “goodnight”.

You aren’t sacrificing time with him to go play video games or practice a hobby for hours on end. You are sleeping. Sleep that you need to be healthy. Screw him.

 

[francis2121]

@jramos1996 Oh honey, no. You are being very reasonable. Your husband on the other hand… not at all. It seems like your the only one putting all the work in this relationship. That’s not good. You don’t deserve this.

 

[fester30]

@jramos1996 As someone who works shift work as does my husband, we both try to sacrifice at least I would say one night a week where we stay up to hang because finding time together is hard. Is this healthy? Probably not but not sure it’s any worse then the unhealthy benefits from shift work anyway. HOWEVER, if we have had rough nights with the kids or are just exhausted there is absolutely no pressure on either side to do this. I can see both sides but there is no excuse for guilting and berating you for wanting to function with a good sleep as this is literally linked to everything healthy. By the way he is acting and the fact you said your in the brink of divorce, I don’t think staying up late is going to fix what’s going on, you might need to find something else you could do together to prioritise time with each other?

 

[nmaddog46]

@jramos1996 Mostly I’m surprised you don’t go to bed earlier. He doesn’t get to dictate your bedtime. Plus I would be very surprised if your early morning schedule is anything new.

There’s nothing wrong with being an early bird. As to why he is so upset about it, those are emotions he gets to process like an adult.

 

[kjetilk]

@jramos1996 You’re fine. My husband regularly stays up until 12:00ish or later, I’m rarely up past 10:00. I also wake up earlier than he does. It works for us and neither of us have an issue with it. We’re pretty happily married.

How about you turn it around a bit: if he really wants to spend more time with you, why doesn’t he get up on the weekends with you? Why don’t you two have morning coffee together? Shouldn’t he be willing to sacrifice for you too?

Your husband sounds like an ass, to be frank.

 

[donaldhof]

@jramos1996 my kids father used to guilt trip me into staying up late with him despite the fact that we had a wakeful baby at the time and i was doing all of the nighttime responsive parenting and still nursing and part time co-sleeping.

he would say stuff like “i’ll just cry myself to sleep” or “i’ll be so lonely” or my favorite “why does everyone leave me?” or other just emotionally manipulative shit to try to get me to ignore how tired i am in favor of being a salve for his loneliness because he didn’t know how to spend quality time alone with himself.

i ended up confronting him by saying something like “why do you care so little about my basic human needs? why don’t you give a shit if i’m able to function during the day to raise YOUR kid? you know sleep deprivation is a torture tactic and i’m already dealing with it from a helpless baby who doesn’t know any better. but you DO know better, you know that i need to get X amount of sleep and you try to guilt me into neglecting myself. that’s not what a loving partner does, that’s what a selfish and manipulative partner does. do you want to give a shit about me and my basic needs? would you try to guilt me out of eating or drinking water like this?”

once i confronted him it mostly stopped, but that’s because he didn’t realize just how fucking selfish he was being by doing that shit. i have a serious feeling that you soon to be ex doesn’t even care.

 

[dlay]

@jramos1996 Hi OP. I am in the exact situation. He’s codependent and asking you to sacrifice yourself. If he wants to spend time with you then he needs to do it with you and plan times that work for both. I (29F) have a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old, am in my final semester of grad school, my field hours, work full time, and run the house. My husband is alcoholic and has significant mental health issues. We have been around this block constantly for the last 6 years. I don’t know what happened but I just hit a wall. Why are we sacrificing ourselves for someone who clearly doesn’t care? I asked him to leave a few days ago for some space. It’s amazing what space can do to your mental health. The house is calm. Quiet and clean.

 

[dlay]

I will add that I’m not sure what’s happening next but the space is nice. R/AlAnon has been very helpful.

 

[angelofmercy]

@jramos1996 Dude my husband would even say your husband is a total selfish douche canoe. You work you care for kids you do everything and he is throwing a tantrum because after all those sacrifices he wants you to not sleep? What the fuck? I just want to add women who are college educated and higher earners than their husbands are more likely to be emotionally abused and be in an abusive relationship, most never leave due to embarrassment but please know, you husband is gaslighting you, exhausting you, and then blaming you for him not pulling his weight. I’d kick him out for that shit. The reason your marriage is on the rocks is because it sounds like your selfish man baby husband can’t get his shit together to support you so he runs you into the ground and dumps everything on you and then gets mad when you are tired.
I was tired after I had my third special needs kid, my husband realized he wasn’t getting his needs met, we talked and I explained that I was exhausted from all I was managing and I needed support. He took on doing laundry and the dishes and guess what? He had a happier less exhausted wife who was more willing to meet his needs.
If you want your needs met by your partner, the answer isn’t to shame them, it’s to support them.
Your husband is an idiot.
Also you are an amazing woman taking all of that on. I am in a similar situation except my husband does contribute like a husband and father should and it makes a huge difference.
If you think it’s worth saving maybe explain to him that you are unable to give any more due to burnout and if he wants change he needs to support you by taking on more tasks and focusing on getting help for his addiction and mental health. Maybe a therapist and all that, but drinking at night and texting you nasty stuff and blaming you and shaming you isn’t going to fix or help the relationship. Are u in couples therapy? Are you divorcing for sure? I mean if my husband talked to me like that I’d have either thrown his shit out of the house, or packed my things and the kids’ and left.

 

[jramos1996]

@angelofmercy I had no idea higher earning/educated women are more likely to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’ve looked into what a divorce would look like and it’s pretty terrible, taking on half his debt he’s amassed, losing half my retirement, paying spousal support and only seeing my kids 50% of the time. Maybe that’s why these women stay and why I’ve stayed this long. I feel so trapped.
The response to this post has blown my mind and opened my eyes. We’re in counseling but it almost feels too late to turn this around. Not sure what will happen but I feel so empowered just by reading these responses. I know I need to do what’s right for me and my children though.

 

[angelofmercy]

@jramos1996 Good luck!

 

[bigfaith]

@jramos1996 No of course you’re not! You’re tired and it’s wearing you down and making you question yourself. He’s being a dick, pure and simple.

 

[jramos1996]

Wow. I am just overwhelmed with the support I received from this post. Thank you so much for the voice of reason I so desperately need Although my gut was telling me some of what I am reading here, it’s really hard to follow it with all the noise created by my partner.

In his defense, he does work and take our kids to preschool most days. He has a very flexible full-time job. As some others guessed, there’s lots more manipulative and toxic shit happening outside this one scenario, but he does work and do most drop offs and the occasional dishes so there’s that.

Also absolutely, my kids definitely SHOULD be sleeping through the night and they used to sleep much better. More to this but yes I agree there’s no reason they should be getting me up all night.

I hold my shit together on the outside but inside I’m a disaster, just like my marriage, house, yard and finances. Divorce doesn’t even seem possible financially as I’ll be taking on half the debt he’s recently amassed (another story) plus paying spousal support and losing half my retirement to him. Not to mention the fact that I’ll only see my kids 50% of the time which is unbearable to even imagine (he confirmed he would take them 50%). I’m stuck. I’m screwed either way, but if I stay then I get to be with my kids at least. Wtf is wrong with me? I’m a strong successful woman but my home life is a mess.

Thank you again for the support, advice and commiseration. I’ll be reaching out to some that seem to be in/have escaped from similar situations. Love and happy whatever you celebrate to everyone.