@jramos1996 You aren't being selfish. HE'S BEING SELFISH.
Am I a terrible wife for not staying up late with my husband?
- Thread starter jramos1996
- Start date
-
- Tags
- advice/question 🎱 moms
bernard2291
New member
@jramos1996 So, when you say you're up 3-5 times a night with the kids, are any of those times when he is still awake? Cause the whole post makes me angry o your behalf, but this bit in particular reads like he's a raging asshole.
My husband and I go to bed about 5 hours apart on weeknights. I'm a night owl, and he gets up at 5 am. Your husband is being ridiculous.
My husband and I go to bed about 5 hours apart on weeknights. I'm a night owl, and he gets up at 5 am. Your husband is being ridiculous.
@jramos1996 I put up with more than most women I know in real life. Being on here always makes me feel seen.
This post… I would 100% leave over. And I’m telling you… I put up with ALOT of shit from my spouse. This would be my straw.
I’m a mental health nurse so I have some questions. What is he doing to address his condition right now, in the past and where he would like to see his goals met the future.
I can’t even tell you how many people hide behind the “but my mental health” and do literally nothing about it. YES I’m aware people cannot access help as easily or have support. I’m not talking about that. Your husband seems to have it, if not then tell me I’m wrong.
This post… I would 100% leave over. And I’m telling you… I put up with ALOT of shit from my spouse. This would be my straw.
I’m a mental health nurse so I have some questions. What is he doing to address his condition right now, in the past and where he would like to see his goals met the future.
I can’t even tell you how many people hide behind the “but my mental health” and do literally nothing about it. YES I’m aware people cannot access help as easily or have support. I’m not talking about that. Your husband seems to have it, if not then tell me I’m wrong.
spreadthewordofgodalways
New member
@jramos1996 Omg bromo. No no no. My husband and I have different schedules and I go to bed at 9/10 every night while he stays up until 1/2. This is just how our work schedules are. He would never ever ever expect me to stay up with him that late, just like I would never expect him to come to bed with me when I do. He is being absolutely absurd.
evangeline002
New member
@jramos1996 It took a long time in my relationship to be okay going to bed early. We appreciate our alone time
barefootinbeth
New member
@jramos1996 I wake up at 5am too and have a very stressful job. I HAVE to be in bed by at least 9pm if I want to function the next day. Ideally 7:30 or 8. He is selfish. I would have zero patience for someone making me feel guilty for trying to get enough sleep to function. Sleep is extremely important and I personally put that above almost anything else. No, you are not being a terrible wife. Stick up for yourself and your boundaries.
@jramos1996 Abso-fucking-lutely not. If he wants more time with you he can pitch in so you have more time available. If you’re taking care of you and your kids, you’re doing amazing.
@jramos1996 You schedule is totally reasonable. Staying up past ten and getting up at 5:30 is not a sustainable sleeping pattern. If he wants more time with you, he can get up and have breakfast with everyone.
@jramos1996 I’ll be brutally honest with you. It may be time to get off the brink on this one. He’s contributing negatively, not positively, to your life. Unfortunately your kids will grow up thinking his behavior is acceptable if you don’t pull the plug, and soon.
@jramos1996 When my husband had crazy work hours (8-3am, 4am, sometimes 5) six days a week, we found time where we could. No part of that included staying up drinking and playing games. I was a SAHM; we had a 9 month old, it was covid. He was locked in his office and I would bring him a cocktail after getting the baby down, we would chat for 15 minutes, I would go to bed. If he was still working at the first, second wake up- I would chat with him for a few minutes. You are taking care of the home. You are taking care of the children. You are working a demanding job. The onus is on him to make time.
@jramos1996 I would look my husband in the face and say "so what would you say you do here?" Because it sounds like he's expecting you to be his mom, maid, and nanny without providing literally anything else in return. I'm so sorry, OP. My mom had to leave because my dad was an alcoholic that was increasingly becoming dangerous to be alone around (because he would just drink and let us kids raise ourselves while mom was trying to earn a living) there was one time my mom came home to my 5 year old brother and me less than a year old) completely alone because my dad went to buy beer, forgot his kids were already home alone, and then went fishing for the whole day. My mom stayed 2 years after that and then fled with us. I'm sorry for the sad comment, but I just want to tell you that while my vhildhood was hard, it was infinitely better because my mom LEFT when my dad made it crystal clear that alcohol was his true family.
@jramos1996 Ughhh no. If I had to be up at 5am my hard stop would be like.. I dunno.. 7.30pm?
porkchop_1020
New member
@jramos1996 I’m going to be brutally honest:
I can’t believe you had to ask if you are in the wrong here, when you so very clearly are not.
Girl, babe, my sister: You do not need or deserve this shit.
I can’t believe you had to ask if you are in the wrong here, when you so very clearly are not.
Girl, babe, my sister: You do not need or deserve this shit.
@jramos1996 Does your spouse even have a job? Because I can stay up until 2 AM because a) my kids are elementary/middle school aged, and b) i can sleep during the day. If I had a job to go to in the morning and tiny kids the kind you do, you get your ass I couldn't do that.
Either he's able to be a night owl because everything is on you, or he has less sleep needs than most people. Either way, that isn't fair to you.
Either he's able to be a night owl because everything is on you, or he has less sleep needs than most people. Either way, that isn't fair to you.
@jramos1996 I’m wondering what he is sacrificing for you? Sleep is a non negotiable thing, your up at 5 am to work to support your family while having wake up’s in the night with kids.
He’s being unreasonable and it is abuse. I’m sorry OP. That sounds like an untenable situation, you should have a think about what he is bringing to your family because this reads like not much at all. Good luck mama
Edit to add I checked out your post history, BroMo it’s time to kick him out and file for divorce. I don’t say that lightly. I wish you all the happiness the world.
He’s being unreasonable and it is abuse. I’m sorry OP. That sounds like an untenable situation, you should have a think about what he is bringing to your family because this reads like not much at all. Good luck mama
Edit to add I checked out your post history, BroMo it’s time to kick him out and file for divorce. I don’t say that lightly. I wish you all the happiness the world.
lilpeoplez
New member
@jramos1996 Hi, you are not crazy despite how everything has you second guessing and walking on eggshells. Your husband has a substance abuse issue and he’s being an addict. Addicts attack you for unreasonable things that make you feel bad and wrong.
My husband is in recovery and it took a long time for me to work through the gaslighting and verbal abuse. He’s being an ass because he’s ashamed and when he’s alone and drinking, he has thoughts and those thoughts sometimes come with feelings that he is trying to avoid. He wants you to entertain him so the feelings don’t show up. When the feelings show up, he tries to turn the sad to anger and direct it at you. Like abusive texts.
Therapy helping me work through codependency was more helpful than Al Anon, but you need to find what works for you. I didn’t think I was codependent because I was very independent, but I learned that my codependency was more about controlling everything, because if I can just fix X, I won’t hurt or will feel good about myself. Please take care of yourself and reach out via DM if you need someone who has been there to talk to.
My husband is in recovery and it took a long time for me to work through the gaslighting and verbal abuse. He’s being an ass because he’s ashamed and when he’s alone and drinking, he has thoughts and those thoughts sometimes come with feelings that he is trying to avoid. He wants you to entertain him so the feelings don’t show up. When the feelings show up, he tries to turn the sad to anger and direct it at you. Like abusive texts.
Therapy helping me work through codependency was more helpful than Al Anon, but you need to find what works for you. I didn’t think I was codependent because I was very independent, but I learned that my codependency was more about controlling everything, because if I can just fix X, I won’t hurt or will feel good about myself. Please take care of yourself and reach out via DM if you need someone who has been there to talk to.
reasnableman
New member
@jramos1996 I get up at 5 am and work a complex, high-level job and I often go to bed at 9 pm because I'm exhausted. We have 2 children and my husband wakes around 7 so he goes to bed later than I do. Yes u know what he never does? Demands that I stay awake with him. He also gets up with the kids, makes them breakfast and takes them to school 5 days a week. And if I am unusually exhausted or sick he will suggest I go to bed at 7 and put both kids to bed by himself.
Just as a comparison as to what a supportive and kind partner looks like.
Oh my husband also works a complex and very high level tech job and makes double what I do, never holds it against me.
Just as a comparison as to what a supportive and kind partner looks like.
Oh my husband also works a complex and very high level tech job and makes double what I do, never holds it against me.
@jramos1996 Your husband is a terrible husband for staying up so late when you have two small children to look after and you get up so early.
The mandacity (stealing this).
The mandacity (stealing this).
@jramos1996 I get up at 4 and there is clear expectation that I am going to get in bed at 8:30 no matter what and my husband can take over at that point. Under no circumstances will I be up past 9. You should ABSOLUTELY not need to stay up, please prioritize your sleep, it is so vital for mental and physical health - especially when you are under an intense load of stress. Whatever your husband is on about is total nonsense.
vidrine342
New member
@jramos1996 My husband and I have different sleep needs, I need way more. I very very rarely go to bed at the same time he does. Usually happens when he's sick and wanting more rest. You are absolutely not a terrible wife!