Am I a terrible wife for not staying up late with my husband?

@jramos1996 I wanted to get my husbands thoughts on this(im the early sleeper/riser in our family), and before I even finished reading him the title, he said no you are not terrible andnyour husband has issues if he thinks you sacrificing your sleep is worth watching youtube videos.
 
@jramos1996 If he wants to spend time with you he should get up at 5 to do that :) oh wait he wouldn't want to go to bed early enough to do that because then he'd miss out on his time to smoke a drink and watch videos 🙄
 
@jramos1996 Is he working ???

Also, no fuck him.

My boyfriend and I have a 5 month old. He says he misses me , but he understands I only sleep when baby sleeps. He doesn’t guilt me for going to bed at 8pm-10pm (depends)

Your husband needs to get help and get a hobby or friends.
 
@jramos1996 Why isn't he getting up with the kids at night so you can get better sleep?

Also 10:00 is a pretty reasonable bedtime for someone who works typical daytime hours. With kids as young as yours they probably have a fairly early bedtime you all could conceivably have 3-4 hours together each night before you go to bed. How much time is he expecting from you? What is he doing to make sure you have that time free?

Unless he works different shifts or has insomnia issues, he should not be staying up that late and certainly not doing so to smoke and drink while you do all the night parenting. He sounds incredibly selfish.
 
@jramos1996 I wake up at 530 for work and I'm out around 8-8:30 most nights, sometimes I push it later until 9 or 10 and honestly I usually regret it because I'm exhausted and in a bad mood. If your husband was reasonable he would ask to find a time in the early evening together or maybe the weekend to spend some time together and not late at night when he knows you wake up early.
 
@jramos1996 Ok not addressing the husband too much here because it’s been thoroughly discussed. But why are a 3 and 4 year old getting up that many times a night? My kids are utter and complete chaos and destruction all day. They’re complete terrors all day…but good God they sleep and I’ve long said that’s the #1 reason I have any sanity. Is it normal for kids that age to wake up that frequently? If so…why are YOU the only one being inconvenienced? He wants you to stay up later why isn’t he getting up with the kids to let you sleep?
 
@jramos1996 My ex was like this.
We got divorced and I could finally sleep. Even with a little one waking me up a lot, I could get enough sleep because I could finally go to bed at 8. 100% would recommend divorce + sleep.
 
@jramos1996 Why doesn't he wake up at 5am so he can spend time with you before you go to work? He's berating you but it doesn't seem like he's willing to take any responsibility. Does he help out at home? Try to help out so you don't have the entire mental load of the kids and household? Does he think it would be fun for you to watch him drink/smoke/watch YouTube at night?

I'm the one who handles 90% of the night wakings with our kids so it was always easier for me to just stay up instead of being woken up (I'm a night owl). With that said, when my husband sees I'm burnt out or exhausted, he'll take the kids out or stay home so I can go out for some me time or even just to take a nap. A few weeks ago, he bought a 2 person board game so we could play that together after the kids are in bed. He helps around the house so I don't carry all the weight. I know he likes to go to bed early so I make an effort to join him some times, even if I just end up reading in bed next to him. He also makes an effort to stay up late some nights for me.

I'm telling you this because your relationship is not on the brink of divorce because of you. He's not meeting you even half way. He's expecting you to do all of it - provide for your family, keep your calendar organized and your lives managed, maintain a household and care for your kids. This isn't a healthy thing for you. He's trying to guilt you for trying to meet the basic need of sleep.

I'm sorry things are are hard right now and I hope they get better for you.
 
@jramos1996 Wow. No you are totally in the right. I assume he doesn’t work if he is staying up until 2 am every night. Like wtf? He’s like a child asking you to stay up with him. You have every right to go to bed when YOU want.
 
@jramos1996 Your husband sounds like a 15 year old. You're an adult that works all day and raises the kids. Needing sleep isn't a "boundary" it's a necessity. You have a third child, and a selfish one at that.
 
@jramos1996 I was in this same scenario, down to the gaslighting about me being a bad wife for not wanting to listen to drunken verbal battering for hours every night.

It’s way better on the other side (of divorce). When you’re in it, it’s hard to see how bad it really is. Think to yourself, if this was my friend, or one of my kids when grown having this happen to them, what would you say to them?

It’s not ok.
 
@jramos1996 So like we aren’t supposed to ask AITA questions here bc we are always here to support you. You’re definitely NTA. Maybe if he did his share of domestic duties he wouldn’t have energy for drinking smoking and YouTube. You don’t need a reason to go to bed when you prefer. It’s what you prefer and that’s enough. But women scientifically require more sleep than men, often over 8 hours. You’re not getting uninterrupted sleep and you have 2 jobs, running the house and a high level job! He needs to start being involved in his own life rather than expecting you to be everything to everyone. You’re time is not like sand and his time isn’t like diamonds.

Brutally honest? It’s an abuse tactic to try and sleep deprive someone to extract their value for your own needs. If he can’t stop asking then you should live apart. He can do his 50% then.
 
@jramos1996 Omg no. 100 % no. You NEED that sleep to function. You very likely need more than that! I’m the same, my husband likes staying up until 12 or 1 and I just cannot. So we compromise, we watch a show (or whatever) from 8-9ish after kids are in bed, then I go to sleep and he goes and does his own thing until he’s ready to sleep. You are soooo in the right to protect your mental health like that. I’m so short with my kids when I’m overtired. He’s being a selfish baby.
 
@jramos1996 Leaving alone all the other red flags, I am a night owl and my husband is not. We struggled over this for years before we finally found something that works for us. Now at about a half hour to an hour before he goes to sleep I join him in our room to read or watch something and lay beside him and snuggle or be close while he falls asleep. Then once he’s out I get up and have my night alone time for another few hours before coming to bed. It has helped so much with feelings of closeness, while also catering to each of our own individual sleep needs. Sure I lose an hour or so of time that I could be doing something else, but that’s nothing compared to how separate we used to feel after the kids went to bed. I say this to point out that you staying up later does not need to be the solution to this problem, if he wants to feel closer to you he can accomplish that around your bedtime and then get up and still have his own time at night instead of throwing a fit and being a baby and trying to make you conform to his schedule.
 
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