@jramos1996 Looking through your post history, I can reasonably say that you should leave him. You’ve been trying so hard to make this work, but what has he been doing? He’s not willing to match your effort (or even half), and at this point it doesn’t seem like there’s much to salvage. I’m sorry babe but you deserve way better than this
@jchristen3 Oh wow, I did not see the post history!
OP, this has been going on about 3 years?! Talk to a lawyer. Don’t worry about the initial cost, just rip the bandaid off and talk to one. Pick a shark.
@jramos1996 No, you aren’t a terrible wife. You’re setting a boundary and putting your health first. He chooses to stay up late. Been there, done that. Thankfully my husband respects that I turn into a pumpkin at 10:00. Furthermore, what does your husband do to lighten your load in the evenings and on weekends?
@jramos1996 So like you, I have a kid and I get up in the morning to get her ready. I also have a mentally interesting but taxing job. My husband also stays up until about 1am and likes to drink or smoke pot and watch movies. So I’d say that I see all those factors and live them.
What makes your husband a POS in my opinion is that he’s not content with his time and letting you care for yourself. He’s getting actively angry and manipulative about this. The texts are frankly unacceptable. He wants you to cater to him while he’s fucking around and is not hearing you when you say you don’t want to or can’t do that. I’m assuming his habits also make him put more responsibility on you because he’s tired in the morning or hungover so you’ll have more to do.
He’s acting in an abusive way and you are better than he deserves.
If you don’t want to divorce right now for whatever reason, I’d recommend you make sure you’re doing some pre-divorce stuff like moving money into your own side account, and getting all your documents in order. Also document some of this stuff as you’ll probably want more say in custody if he’s getting that drunk. So keep the texts.
@jramos1996 He's got to be fucking kidding. You get up at five to work and get up with the kids? Fuck that. I want to come grab him by the collar and give him a proper talking to. He needs it.
@jramos1996 None of us are perfect, yet we always try to do the best that we can. You're doing a great job. Don't let your husband convince you otherwise. Partners should be understanding, helpful and encouraging, and not only look out for their own selfish needs. You're in this together. Nobody deserves to be put down especially when it comes to taking care of your mental health and the entire household. Stay strong and know that you deserve to be respected and loved for all that you do. Hugs.
@jramos1996 Listen up, you are an amazing person. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t doubt yourself.
Your husband is in active addiction. A person who is in active addiction AND/OR the early stages of dealing with addiction is not a good partner. Most are not partners at all. It’s just not possible for them to nurture both their addictions and their relationships at the same time. Even if he stops (which honestly doesn’t sound like he is even trying to), it’s going to take a long while with him sorts himself out and gets into a solid headspace so that he can be present and a trustworthy partner for you and your kids.
So, at this point in time, he has no claim on your time and on how much “support” you are giving him. There’s no amount of support you can give to an active alcoholic/user that will get them healthy or satisfied. He doesn’t want support, he wants enabling. You are already paying all the bills and doing all childcare, how much more are you willing to give away? And what is he exactly bringing into this family?
You deserve so much better. But you won’t get it from him. Time to decide how much longer you are willing to drag this.
@jramos1996 Self care allows you to care for your family. If you didn’t get the sleep you need you wouldn’t be able to do all of the things you do. The fact that he doesn’t see that means he doesn’t appreciate what you do. You deserve some one who respects and appreciates you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!!
@jramos1996 We are in the opposite situations. I am a raging insomniac, I used to work 2nd and 3rd shift and now that I’m a SAHM, if I get to bed before 1 AM, I consider it a success. My husband has to wake up at the crack of dawn for work.
Do I sometimes get annoyed that he goes to bed at the same time as our child? Yes. Do I berate him and try to force him to stay up late when he’s got work in the morning? Absolutely not. I try to get him to stay up late (like 10-11, not 1-2) with me like once or twice a month when he doesn’t work the next day, or else we would literally never have any time to watch an R rated movie, secretly eat real ice cream, or fool around. I believe that is a reasonable request, and my husband is allowed to say no if he’s just way too tired. What your husband is doing is not reasonable at all, he’s just being a selfish asshole.
@jramos1996 This what almost ended me and DH. He stays up until 2-3am every night. I go to bed at 830-9pm right when the kids do (and wake up with them all night) and wake up early for work. We compromised by me staying up “later” (like 10-1030 on a weekend) one night a week to watch a movie and he comprises by laying down with me for an hour or so in bed once a week until I fall asleep and then slips out to stay awake doing whatever he does lol.
@jramos1996 I looked at your post history for some context. I am generally one to say work on the marriage, but hun, I suggest leaving 1000% percent. When you wrote that your husband was LIVID that you didn’t “have his back” and agree about vaccinations??!! That was a huge red flag to me, among many others. You don’t want your children growing up in this environment, and having them think this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Big hugs to you!
@jramos1996 My husband works at the crack of dawn a minimum of four days a week, during the holidays he started an hour earlier and picked up extra shifts. I do not complain we don't get to hang out. He needs his sleep. He's got a BP2 diagnosis on top of a heart condition that the meds make him sleepy. We make time together other days, like the 3 that he doesn't have to work. Or after the kids are asleep he'll sometimes ask me to wake him up for sexy time, but that is pretty rare. Sleep is so necessary, especially if you have health problems like BP2, sleep is required and not optional. Which I had been saying for years when he was the SAHP, I needed my sleep so I could function at my super stressful job. Your husband is trying to undermine you, set your boundaries and if he can't respect them, it's time to split. You deserve someone that appreciates what you do and helps you get the support you need to do it.
@jramos1996 You are not. I feel like a compromise can be made here if you DID want to spend time, but he'd have to go to bed earlier and assist with the kids. It can't just be you staying up late. He's an ass and a half.
@jramos1996 Umm no it’s not you it’s him. Im up with the baby 3 times a night and then up for the day at 6am and start work at 8am. I say goodnight to my husband at 8pm and go upstairs to wind down before I fall asleep at 9:30. He stays up till midnight usually.
