Am I a terrible wife for not staying up late with my husband?

[jramos1996]

Me and my husband are on the brink of divorce. It’s rough working and having 2 small kids (3 and 4) and a partner struggling with mental health and substance abuse issues. I’m not perfect, I’m a type A with terrible anxiety but I provide for my family and keep the house and our lives running and am a pretty awesome mom too.

My husband’s focus right now is that I’m not making time for him by staying up later than 9:30/10 with him. He stays up until about 1-2 am every night (drinking, smoking and YouTube).

I wake up at 5am to work a mentally demanding, high level job and need sleep to function. I don’t sleep well to begin with and have 2 small kids waking me up 3-5 times a night.

Am I a terrible wife because I have a hard stop at 9:30/10 pm where I need to be in bed and can’t be up spending time with him?

I feel like I’m setting a healthy boundary for my mental and physical health by having a bedtime. He says I’m putting limits on him and am being selfish by not making sacrifices for him and our relationship.

Please be brutally honest with me because I’m so exhausted I don’t even know what’s right anymore. I was up late as he berated me with lengthy texts into the night outlining why I’m the cause of all the issues in our relationship while I tried to sleep until I finally silenced the damn phone.

 

[bluemoon01]

@jramos1996 Your husband is being an abusive POS. You are not crazy. You wake up at 5 AND are up with the kids? And his whole thing is he’s up drinking, smoking, YouTube-ing? Exactly what is he bringing to the relationship?

“Being supportive” does not mean you sacrifice your own health, physical and mental, for someone else because of his wants wants (not even NEEDS!) I hate to sound harsh, but you would be better without this person if this is the kind of shit he is putting you through. Be free. You will be happier.

Love and no judgment because this shit is hard.

 

[emwu]

@bluemoon01 Yeah, let me guess, the husband is not making the sacrifice of getting up at 4:45am every morning to spend some time with OP before she goes to work?

 

[deistknight]

@jramos1996 The mandacity never fails to amaze me. What exactly does he do in terms of bringing money, chores, child care or relationship involvement?

 

[bond_servant]

@deistknight "Mandacity" yes

 

[dallaschristianguy]

@jramos1996 No you are not a terrible wife. He is a terrible husband for even asking you to do that never mind all the other things you mentioned. Hold fast and firm. You deserve better than this

 

[redpill21]

@jramos1996 He’s being unreasonable, selfish and abusive. This is manipulative bullshit. Your sleep and health matter, and he needs to recognize he’s not the only person in this relationship with needs. Like maybe you need him to go to rehab and get sober — I needed that from my husband and once I got it, things were much better.

 

[imbondz]

@jramos1996 I can see why you’re on the brink of divorce. I would be too.

 

[katrina2017]

@jramos1996 Brutally honest? You’re husband’s an ass. He would most likely not be sending you those txts if he wasn’t drinking/smoking.

 

[macheno]

@jramos1996 Kick him out. He is a drain on you and the family. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for the kids

 

[puah]

@jramos1996 Why exactly can't your husband spend quality time with you between the children going to be and your bedtime? That's at least 2 to 3 hours of time you could be doing something together, but no he wants you to stay up all night....doing what exactly? Watching him get drunk and high while watching bollox on YouTube?

Your husband is an abusive AH.

Ask yourself this: what would change for the worse if he wasn't here?

I'm guessing fuck all! In fact I'd bet it would make your life a whole lot easier.

Let the loser go, you'll be better for it.

 

[christianguy19]

@jramos1996 You are being abused OP.

Sleep deprivation is a common tactic of an abuser.

Any sensible, caring adult would understand why you need to sleep early and how much you're doing for your family.

I'm so sorry you're going through this You're doing an amazing job juggling all of this, OP.

You sound confused and broken down. I would suggest you start a diary and note down how the relationship makes you feel on a daily basis. Set a reminder on your phone for 2 months. When that reminder pops up, have a read through it all and consider whether this relationship is a benefit or hindrance to you. If it's a hindrance, find a way to leave this guy.

 

[jfsurvivor]

@jramos1996 Why are you the person who has to make the sacrifices? Why isn't he making any for the relationship?

He's being a tool - you need to sleep.

 

[thisgal]

@jfsurvivor Exactly. What are his sacrifices? He has to buy shitty discount weed? He can fuck all the way off.

 

[mudmixer]

@thisgal My thoughts exactly

 

[mrussell48]

@jramos1996 Babe. Your husband is a piece of shit and you need to dump him and live on your own. Just imagine how nice your life will be when you’re not picking up his bottles and emptying his smelly ashtray every morning at 5 am.

You did say to be brutally honest . I’m looking forward to scrolling down and reading the rest of the comments ripping your husband to pieces.

 

[irisheyes1212]

@jramos1996 I read your post and went to comment, and the first couple commenters started with “OP, you’re being abused” and my heart sank. I was going to say I went through something very similar at the end of my marriage. But the commenters are right, this is abuse.

My experience started this way, and kept getting worse, until I was sleep deprived, confused about what was going wrong, and the insults got more humiliating. And the abuse progressed.

I do agree with keeping a diary, it’s something that helped me see how rapidly he cycled between the horror show and the “I love you, it’ll get better” promises.

 

[dausman23]

@jramos1996 If he's up all night why isn't he on kid duty?

 

[jaakk]

@dausman23 Like mine, he's up for himself and to indulge in his vices...smh. SO sorry, OP.

 

[kmichonanchored]

@jramos1996 Fuck no. You’re not the crazy one. Your husband sounds like a piece of work.