Almost lost it w my younger kid

[babo2013]

This has been a week full of stuff. Idk why but I felt compelled to ask the little one (3, going on 4 soon) if he thought I was mean to his mom. He responded pretty quickly with, “no, mom so mean to you.” That got me thinking that this little boy understands helluva lot more than I credited him with.

Yesterday took him to speech therapy as he’s been having a hard time pronouncing words that begin w C, G, K, or Q. For whatever reason he has kindve a lazy toungue I guess? Found out from the doc that there are 3 components of speech: language, motor skill, and clarity. Of which his issue is w clarity - the easiest to fix of the 3. He did very well in his testing and was applauded by the doc for being so well behaved.

Fast forward to today and he was getting kindve bratty after swimming. Started on some snacks and when I tried to stop him so we can get to eating lunch he started throwing a tantrum. I was cool with it all until he worked himself up so much he threw up. Not a big deal but idk, I almost lost it. Literally yelled at him to go to the restroom. Cleaned up and had him sit in a room so I could cool off. I could hear him calling his mom (stbxw) on his iPad and audibly upset. I wanted nothing more than to grab him, hug him and apologize but it felt like it would be enabling these types of tantrums so I refrained. I did talk to him shortly after feeding him lunch and all was well after.

Reflecting on that i feel kindve bad now. Like I might’ve been harsh on him for no other reason than being stressed out from my pending divorce. Normally, I think I would’ve just been a little stern. I’m remorseful and he didn’t deserve all that.

 

[moonbeams]

@babo2013 Everyone loses it with their kids at times. The main thing is how you recover after. Best thing to do is wait until you are both calm and talk about what happened. Hey I'm sorry I yelled at you I was feeling very upset because xyz.

I read "How to stop losing your shit with your kids" and it really helped me step back and reframe. It also taught me that it's healthy to apologize when I do go overboard...which happens less and less but it still happens.

I'll spare you my emotional baggage, but I will say it is really hard to break the cycle...but feels good at the same time.

 

[danial1234567]

@babo2013 It sounds like he was at place emotionally where it was more of a meltdown than a tantrum. A 3 year old is still at an age where they need coregulation, and can’t fully self regulate. He tried to go for his needs (food now), and you wanted the logic approach (lunch in a bit). He couldn’t communicate, his body got overwhelmed, it escalated to a place where he couldn’t control. You didn’t understand this, and got triggered by it.

As a parent, you’re going to do things you will regret. And you SHOULD apologize - how will children learn that everybody makes mistakes, it’s normal, and you should apologize if their own parents won’t? How will they learn that it’s wrong to yell at people?

Next time could you give him a set amount of snack, and inform that’s all because you’re about to have lunch?

I’d also follow your guy next time - grab him, hug him, and apologize. Get him to a place where his body is calmer, help him regulate himself so he can learn the self regulation process, and when he’s in a good place explain that you wanted to get to lunch, and didn’t know that his body needed some food right now.

I’d highly suggest reading Mona Delahooke’s Brain Body Parenting! I’ve found it so helpful.

 

[prexioc]

@danial1234567

He couldn’t communicate, his body got overwhelmed, it escalated to a place where he couldn’t control.

This describes my three year old when overtired especially at bedtime. Have any tips for managing this emotional state for sleep?

 

[danial1234567]

@prexioc How long is her nap? The obvious answer is prevent her from being overtired, but that isn’t necessarily easy.

I would start by having a conversation with her at a different point of the day to ask her if there’s anything that would help her go to bed easier. See what she says without giving opinions. (You can brainstorm together but let her give ideas first.) If she’s missing mom, maybe she could have a recorded story from mom or a stuffed animal that has mom magic or something so you can make both you part of the process even when she’s not there.

Otherwise I would try to increase emotional nourishing activities towards the end of the day. It’s different for each child (highly recommend the book I gave above!), but maybe things like extra cuddles, sitting next to each other and working separately (she could do art or something), reading books where you can talk about the emotions, etc.

 

[randiseeks]

@babo2013 Looks like you’ve gotten good above about talking over your reaction when calmed down. I’ll just add, that time outs are a tool to allow a kid to calm down and think about their actions as well as remove them from their stressful situations to reflect.

You apologizing right away can be turned into a positive moment by explaining that you felt overwhelmed and needed a time out. Our kids seeing that we are vulnerable but work to overcome our vulnerabilities is a teachable moment that when they are vulnerable the coping strategies we use with them aren’t necessarily punishments but just that. Coping strategies. If a time out is a way to calm down that daddy has to use sometimes, then it’s ok if kid has to use it too.

Tl;dr Dad needs time out. Kid may be more cooperative in future time outs if they are cool enough for dad.