Almost 8 weeks into twins and right now my 5 year old is the most difficult

[reformed1]

Basically what the title says. My almost 8 week old twins have been complete angels. I was so worried after reading some of the posts on here that my life would be so hectic during this time. The twins are on a synced up schedule, they are so content and I am even getting almost 6 hours of sleep a night uninterrupted because they are just fantastic with sleeping. I couldn’t have asked for better girls.

My 5 year old is not adjusting well though. We give her personal 1 on 1 time with each of us, we try to involve her with the caring of the twins but she just can’t get it through her head that she isn’t an only child anymore. The temper tantrums are rough and she has been very resistant to anything that we tell her. I am at my wits end with her and I am trying so hard to be patient but it is frustrating that the easiest part of my day is when I am alone caring for the twins.

If you had singletons that became older siblings to twins then I would love to hear how you helped your kid adjust to the twin life. I know it’s hard to understand when you are so young and no longer the only baby but there has to be a way to make this transition easier.

 

[seekinggod2]

@reformed1 Sounds like my older kiddo when the twins arrived. She was slightly younger (3), but we had a very similar experience. She was by far the hardest part of the transition to 3 kids, with the intense sleep deprivation coming in a distant second.

The thing that helped most? Time. The babies got bigger/cooler, the memories of time as an only faded, and then suddenly one day she just got that she was the older sibling and it was awesome. You don’t want to hear this, but it took the better part of a year, and it was a series of ups and downs that slowly improved until then.

In the short run until we hit that point, we took her on 1:1 adventures with each parent as much as we reasonably could, had anyone who vaguely looked like they wanted to help out do the same thing, and gritted our teeth for the rest of it. I’m not proud of how much screen time she got at crunch transition times that first year, or of how I handled some tantrums (especially after it was still happening months later). But we made it through and she legitimately delights in being a big sister now. It’s the best.

Hang in there. You got this. Stay strong. Hugs.

 

[ruhan]

@seekinggod2 This response is great. I have 8 month old twins and a 3.5 year old. I can echo all of this and I never expected that after 8 months in he’d still be having a hard time, but he is. I’d say it took him a good 3 months to get a little better, those first 3 months were HARD. He wouldn’t speak to me or even look at me most days, his moods were all over the place, I cried every single day out of exasperation. We did (and still do) solo outings with him as much as humanly possible. But then it seemed like he sort of accepted and even started enjoying the new arrangement, and it’s been an up and down battle since. Some days he’s cool, some days he’s definitely acting out. I think the age he’s at also has a lot to do with it, but there’s no doubt that bringing twins home has a major effect on the first born. How could it not? There’s times when both babies are fussing/or just making noise (they are currently starting to get verrrry chatty)…my oldest will join in and start kind of yelling - I think as a way to cope - and my house is like a circus. Of course I immediately lose my patience with him and tell him that’s not helping. He’s 3… he shouldn’t be expected to always be “helping”, but here we are! I grapple with guilt surrounding him constantly, and work very hard trying to stay patient with him (failing often). Long story short, I didn’t expect it to drag out this long, but I’m hopeful there’s a light at the end of the tunnel in a few months, so hopefully just knowing that this will probably be the case can help you get through it.

 

[faithfull_fella]

@seekinggod2 Thanks. I’m the opposite I have 3yo twins and a 4 month old. Since the baby has been born their behavior is worse and their sleep has completely fallen off the rails. They wake me shockingly more than the baby does. I’ve been listening to podcasts and books and it does seem like there is really nothing but time and patience to get through this.

 

[mmmmgggg]

@seekinggod2 Thank you for this comment - gives me hope! Our 3 year old is so tough to deal with so often compared to her almost 5 month old sisters. Babies have been sleeping through the night for more than a month now… big sister wakes us up at least once or twice a night and won’t go back to sleep by herself anymore. Most nights result in me or husband sleeping on her floor so that at least one of us and the babies get some decent sleep. Our days are so loud. Looking forward to big sis adjusting and getting past her acting out phase!

 

[cn_999]

@reformed1 Twins were born early June

Came home the week kiddo ended school. Summer sucked haaaaaaaard

We put him in day camps as much as possible and prayed for school to start again

 

[nativenewyorker1980]

@reformed1 I feel this. I always say the big kid (ours was only 27 months) was the hard part of having twins. Ours were born during Covid lockdowns so it was all of us together all the time. I think a lot of it comes down to time. That is a big age difference but they'll be more fun once they can interact with her. My kid has more tantrums at 5 than she ever had at 2 so we didn't have that side of it. It's her age coupled with their age that's making it hard, and that can happen singleton or twins. It does get better!

 

[reyon]

@reformed1 Not what you asked, but I need words of encouragement as I have 9 day old twins and am getting 0 hours of sleep. What's their feeding like, and how long did it take them to sleep for 6 hours straight? Did you do anything to encourage it?

 

[reformed1]

@reyon I feed them every 3 hours during the day but so far we really we didn’t pick them up or interact with them as much during the night, unless it was necessary. Before our preferred bedtime we would change their diapers right before we fed them and would give them .5-1 oz of milk more than usual feeds. That bigger feed just would hold them over for longer. They only just started sleeping 6 hours the last week or so, hang in there. The first weeks are definitely not easy with the sleep but starting the trend of less contact at night will get them in the swing of things faster. It worked really well on our 5 year old so we were quick to try it this time too.

Also those first weeks need to have one partner on baby duty while the other is sleeping. It is crucial that each partner at least gets 6 hours to focus on catching up on sleep instead of both partners splitting the duties all night or one person taking over everything. One person would take over from 9pm-3am and then the other would take over from 3am-9am in our case. It kept our sanity at a decent level while we established the longer nights

Congratulations on the new additions!

 

[dallaskay]

@reformed1 Our 3.5 year old is punishing us hard. But he really does love his brothers. Our twins are 10 weeks and the big kid is as much work, if not more. We try to give him as much attention as we can but it’s never enough. We have him going to school in the mornings and he has started refusing to go. It is rough. No advice, just solidarity.