Accidental third and torn

D

davidlionheart

New member
After being done with having more kids mentally, physically, and emotionally, I am now accidentally pregnant with a third. I have been deeply depressed and crying on and off ever since I found out. My choices are grim: terminate or keep, neither I am super thrilled about.

My kids are currently 4.5 and 2.5. I have just entered this new era past babyhood and have started finding myself again. I’m exercising, playing tennis, and just doing more things for me. I’m not sure I have it in me to get dragged back to babyhood

The kicker is that my husband is 100% on board and has always wanted a third. It seems like the situation is always the other way around. He fully supports me with whatever decision I make, but he’s leaving it up to me.

We’re financially fine, the house is fine, we’ll get a new car. That’s stuff is not a hurdle for us. Can I really handle 3 is what I can’t get past. I don’t have any help and I always feel like I’m drowning with 2

I also can’t seem to come to terms with a termination. I am so scared and feel like I might end up regretting it. But, is it necessary for my mental health?

Has anyone been in my shoes? Been so depressed about a third but then came around to the idea? I’d love to hear your experience.

I currently have an appt with a counselor and also an ob and term appt around 8 weeks so that I give myself a deadline
 
@davidlionheart Mom of three here, 3rd was planned, but not my idea at all (greatest gift to my husband who wanted 3). Once we were actually pregnant I was not excited.

After he was born I actually joined the “regretfulparents” sub. It was just extra work when I was over it. My kids are each 2 years apart.

Perhaps you came to the parentinginbulk sub because you wanted happy answers from parents who have already been through it.

I had a 2,4,6 year old going into the pandemic with 2 full time working parents and it was really hard to be excited.

But this ends well. I just left that sub, no judgement, but for me it was just a phase.

They did get older, pandemic ended, he got more self sufficient (he was already pretty self sufficient early on), his siblings got more competent so it isn’t getting 3 kids ready in the morning now.

This is all with a very engaged partner.

No one will answer this for you. I wish you good luck.
 
@davidlionheart Only you can choose. My story is that we were going for nuclear family so we had one, then went to make the sibling and ended up with twins! 1 to 3 was wild but it shifted my entire perspective on my future. We threw the playbook out the window and have since enjoyed our large family and what life throws at us (within reason haha we did take permanent measures after a certain point but it felt very certain to me that we were done when we were done)
 
@davidlionheart If I was you I'd go ahead and have the third baby. Once the new one is one year old the other children will be able to play with the new one and give you a bit of a break.
 
@davidlionheart My third came out, stretched, and has been a cinnamon roll of a child ever since. I was TERRIFIED when i found out I was pregnant so quickly after my second, a colicky baby who was so needy. And I didn’t find out early. I was going into surgery and they had me pee on a stick. My first two were both rainbow babies, they were wanted, needed hormones and surgery to have, and I figured my body couldn’t handle any more or HAVE any more naturally.

12 weeks.

Then Covid hit the following month.

He is a joy of a child. I don’t know what it is about that third kid, but he’s just a cuddly ball of love. My other two are so intense, much like myself, both neurodiverse, again like myself, and are very strong personalities. Well, 3 comes in and is steel wrapped in a wool blanket.

Make that choice that works for you.

But also know for my sanity, I hired out cleaning, cooking, and lawn work to make this work. I also now work FT to give myself the break away from kids.
 
@davidlionheart My third was unplanned (tbh so we're the first two, same ages as yours) and he's a year old now. He's been the fastest to hit milestones, he's very independent and it was so easy fitting him into our already-established routine. Plus he got used to the sound of chaos in-utero so when he was Earthside, he slept so well even with the sounds of life with young children going on around him. If he's not asleep, he's playing with his older siblings as best he can. Honestly, he made our family feel whole.

You know what you're doing, what to expect, what needs to be done. You've been there, done that with your two oldest. Having the knowledge and experience you picked up with your older two makes the transition to three infinitely easier.
 
@davidlionheart It is a hard but our third has been the most self sufficient!! She actually is the one who made us want a fourth 😂. We had two really hard kids that didn’t sleep and our third is such a dream! She is so easy and we can’t imagine our lives being so full without her!! Just remember it is temporary!
 
@davidlionheart Not unplanned, but 2-3 has been by far our easiest transition. The 3rd is the easiest baby and such a dream. Obviously do what is best for your family but I swore my 3rd was our last. Now I want a 4th 🤪
 
@davidlionheart I considered a termination for my unplanned third (we were 3u3) but it wasn’t something my husband was on board with. Our 3rd has been a dream. He’s sweet and easy and I can’t imagine my life without him. That being said, OF COURSE things would be easier with two, that’s the world, of course it would.

I don’t have any advice for you because ultimately it’s only you who can decide, but I came here to say that if you cry through your ENTIRE pregnancy, that’s okay, and doesn’t reflect how you feel about your child. So allow yourself to feel down if you do, and don’t add to it by beating yourself up!
 
@davidlionheart I had an unplanned third. I ugly sobbed when I found out. I had a three year old and a one year old and (I thought) we couldn’t afford another.

That baby is 7 years old now and she’s the light of our lives. She’s our social butterfly. At her insistence, we play board games at the dinner table every night. She makes us laugh and lights up every room she enters.

I know it’s scary right now. But it sounds like your marriage is healthy and you can afford to feed another mouth. Embrace this surprise.
 
@davidlionheart I had an unplanned third, though I had kind of wanted a third I was just super on the fence about going through pregnancy and baby stage sleep deprivation again. But man, my third is just the light of my life. I love all my kids equally, but she really completed our family, and I just love the dynamic between our kids — watching them play together, experience things together, and Christmas is so fun with three excited kids.

The transition from 1-2 really rocked me, like hardest thing I have ever done. But the transition from 2-3 was not bad. I felt like I knew what I was doing. All the strategies I learned managing two kids at the same time applied easily to three. All the stages were easier to manage because I had two kids worth of practice under my belt. And with a third kid, your oldest is not a toddler anymore, so it’s not like when you had your second plus another baby. It’s now an older child, then a toddler and baby. Five is also a year of independence and emotional growth/regulation, plus they become much more independent are capable of helping a little. Mine was 5.5yo when my third was born while my middle child was turning 3. Night and day difference between how they coped with a new baby vs how it was when my oldest was 2.5 and his brother was born.
 
@tini91 That would be my kids ages too! Just turned 5 and 3. It’s a good point about ages gaps. My kids are 25 months apart and that was a doozy. I guess every month helps..
 
@davidlionheart The age gap between my first and second child is 2 years 7mo and the age gap between my second and third is 2 years 11 months. I noticed a big difference because just those few months were enough for my almost three year old to have more skills, language, and independence than his brother did at just four months younger.
 
@davidlionheart All of my kids are about 2.5 years apart. I underestimated how much fun a new baby would be for my five year old! She was so jealous and had a hard transition when she got a sibling at 2.5, but at 5 she instantly loved the baby, and now at 7 and 2.5 they get along so well and love playing together. I didn’t expect that because everyone always talks about close in age siblings getting along the best, but for us that five year gap was incredible. They play together without fighting.
 
@davidlionheart I currently have a 5 year old, 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. All were planned, first six months of each were tough.

We don’t have loads of family support, but my husband’s work is fairly flexible.

Personally, I’m so glad we went for number 3. It’s not like it was plain sailing before, I knew it would just add to the chaos, but his two big brothers adore him and I’m getting back to feeling more like myself.

I’m in the UK so it may be a totally different experience for me. I’d say allow yourself to grieve getting more of yourself back before making a decision. There’s no correct decision, just the one that sits most comfortably in your heart.

Big hugs and good luck!
 
@davidlionheart Unplanned 3rd not after a rough 2nd birth. First two were amazing sleepers and good fun, eldest was 3 and I'd loved being a mum. 3rd is 15 months and still waking up at all hours, clingy and impossible sometimes. But so funny and curious and smart all the same. Just has a massive personality. But I am drowning, very little help, no time for self and feel guilty on the other two as the youngest demands so much attention. Hate to say it but I'm really looking forward to the preschool/school years so I can try and find myself again. I'm absolutely lost in motherhood, it feels like a prison sentence. But I wouldnt be without them now.
 
@davidlionheart I’m also pregnant with an unplanned 3rd and was terrified an anxious as hell at first but i came around and now I’m legitimately excited and embracing being a family of 5! My kids are beyond jazzed about it which helps a lot :)
 
@davidlionheart Not quite the same but I'll share my story. Absolutely no judgement if you choose differently than I did, this is just my personal experience.

We wanted a 4th. I found out I was pregnant 2 days before my husband went away for work - he's in the army. Not even a week later I was hit with the worst morning sickness of my life. I couldn't get off the bathroom floor most mornings and I had a 5 year old, 3 year old, and 1 year old at home. I was so depressed and just wanted to terminate because there was no way I was going to make it through on my own without any family around to help.... but my husband was away and I didn't want to make the decision without him. By the time he was finally around to talk about it, I was 11 weeks pregnant and wasn't sure I could go through with an abortion at that point. I was still super depressed and miserable, didn't really want the baby anymore given how miserable I was, but I stuck it out.

We went on to have a 5th. I'm glad circumstances kind of forced me to stick out the 4th pregnancy. Looking back, I think my husband was right- I would have regretted terminating, given my reason for wanting an abortion was due to symptoms and not that I didn't want a baby.
 
@davidlionheart We have a 5M, 3M, and 1F. Going from 2-3 the was easiest transition. Life was already chaotic. She’s the best and I love her so much.

That being said, if you’re done you’re done. I’ve never met or worked with anyone who regretted their abortion.
 
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