@acaudpdrkkl2015 I think it’s a fairly common assumption that if someone WFH then they’re home to be there for the kids on those days. While it may not be a correct assumption I think it’s common enough that parent A should have communicated that wasn’t the case to parent B. Just because something is obvious to you doesn’t mean it is to someone else and it’s also an incorrect assumption to think it is. Both just assumed and neither said anything. There is the breakdown of communication. Parent B didn’t assume anything more than parent A did. Parent A was home they assumed that for the parents it would be status quo which means parent B going into the office.
Assumptions are always (on both sides so let’s stop blaming one or the other here) a lack of communication. Sometimes they’re correct and sometimes they aren’t. It wasn’t here. People on Reddit are so ready to go in for the fight forgetting that these are real partnerships that people need to live through and it’s beyond this one instance. If she communicated and the husband still walked out then yeah, that would be a bigger problem but that’s not what happened.
@aronda75 What about the conversation establishing that parent a would be busy and parent b would not? Surely that at least neutralised any wfh assumption.
That said, we both wfh mostly and neither with ever assume that means ability to care for the kids. Because it absolutely doesn't.
@acaudpdrkkl2015 Again, we can’t ever assume someone knows what we mean. I tell people in work I’m super busy all the time doesn’t mean they know I need help unless I ask for it.
The husband can hear she’s busy and not understand what that really means. It happens all the time and this isn’t a fault game. Too many people play the fault game when they should really be playing the how do we make this better next time game. Everyone doing better and working harder to communicate will get everyone a lot further than who is at fault.
I’m glad you have the perfect marriage where no one assumes anything. That’s a rare thing in the world for any relationship whether it be marriage or friendship or professional etc but for everyone just do better, communicate more and it gets you pretty damn far.
@aronda75 This is the best answer of the thread. Instead of “who is right and won this fight?” The focus should be on “what broke down to cause this issue and how can we work TOGETHER to try and not repeat it”
@acaudpdrkkl2015 You’re right. I gave up arguing with unmarried people who don’t wfh with kids. B either knew damn well what he was doing and peaced out or he’s completely thoughtless.
@kezia Neither parent is being a good communicator in this case. Both parents should have discussed a plan for childcare coverage in advance, and agreed on some plan for who would work from home and take lead on childcare for certain blocks of time.
@kezia I think kids ages come into play. My kids are older so this wouldn’t make me flinch. But little ones? Yeah, no. But this should've been discussed in advance.
@kezia Honestly the teens (and the third grader frankly) can figure out something to do that doesn't require driving unless it's at a time convenient to you and planned IN ADVANCE.
I do feel for you in being the default parent, but I'd also expect more from them at these ages
Maybe they are playing Roblox or Minecraft online with their friends all day. Maybe they watch TV. It's one day, they can absolutely entertain themselves.
Mine are preteens and they know to grab a snack, do their homework, and get ready for nighttime activities as soon as they get home. I WFH, but more like parent B's hours. My spouse is usually home by 4:30.
I think OP needs to take a step back and evaluate whether she's doing too much for her kids.
@kezia Older kids should largely be able to take care of themselves through much of the day. Parent B probably should work from home if they can but this wasn’t a morning of conversation.
@kezia I mean.... at those ages, they can largely watch themselves, no?
I WFH and when my toddler is sick or daycare is closed.....its rough, but I think I could manage easier with a kiddo who can at least wipe their own butt.
ETA. I'm not saying it should always be up to the WFH parent to "deal" with it, there should definitely be some collaboration between both parents.
@momofcj Agreed. I’m also a bit confused. I have a toddler but have cousins around the ages of OP’s kids, and we also used to keep my niece from time to time when she was around that age (8 to 9). Unless there is something unusual about the situation, none of these kids should need constant supervision. Other than increased noise (and again, these kids should be old enough to understand that mom is working and that they need to stay out of a certain room or keep their voices down), I’m not understanding the huge issue in them being home for a day.
I also agree that it doesn’t mean that Parent B doesn’t need to communicate or help out. I’m just confused as to how much childcare is actually needed with kids those ages.
@moustafa you seem really upset about this aspect of the scenario. the kids are fine - there’s three of them, we like each other, they’re just here and so my day isn’t normal and is frequently interrupted. they don’t need to be taught anything, they aren’t doing anything wrong. maybe this has something to do with me being a former sahm? they don’t want to ignore me all day, and i guess i don’t really want them to either. i just don’t want to be considered the default parent every time.
@kezia It’s not that these aren’t valid feelings, they are. It’s that, when you’re calm you need to have two conversations. The first is with your partner to discuss how this situation could be better for both of you. Understand that answer might be you wfh and he goes into the office and the kids are self sufficient, it might be he goes into the office for part of the day and comes home early or it could be something totally different.
The second conversation is with the kids. Talk about what those days off need to look like.
The reality is, and why people are so confused, that you are writing to a working moms group. You need to take the sahm mom hat off and put on the working mom hat. That means you can’t do fun things with your kids unless you take the day off (honestly sometimes I do just to have a special day with my son). It also means that your kids are at an age where they can be self sufficient and you need to let go same as they need to learn to be self sufficient. At 5 my son comes downstairs and gets his own breakfast sometimes. At 8 a kid can make a sandwich or come up with their own games, read a book. Teenagers should be able to cook for themselves at least a simple lunch. Your spouse probably doesn’t think it’s a big deal because he might think the kids are able to do what they need. Your kids are not little anymore and you shouldn’t treat them like they are. It’s good for them to see you working and understanding what hard work is.
