a question of entitlement

[jamiejack]

@kezia This is a conversation that both parents failed to have in advance.

 

[jennitexan]

@kezia hey OP, I'm not sure if you've run across the concept of Ask vs Guess culture before, but it might be helpful here!

 

[trailblazer1]

@kezia The WFH parent let it bottle up and now is resentful towards the parent who works in the office.

You need to communicate and RESOLVE the issues. You might have talked about things, but apparently, you didn't resolve them.

If you needed the other parent to work from home, you should have freaking just SAID IT, not rolled your eyes and get all crappy. Plus, asking the older kids to watch the younger ones one freaking day isn't going to hurt anyone. I have a big age gap in my kids, and they don't get paid to watch their siblings. But we pay for their phones and other things, so it works out.

 

[1gazza]

@kezia Parent A is correct that Parent B could have been more thoughtful BUT it is up to BOTH parents to plan for the day.

Parent A should have spoken up BEFORE Parent B was heading out the door.

Observation, Parent A seems to like a drawn out fight (mentioning when heading out the door is wild) and should get therapy for this “bomb-dropping” toxic trait.

 

[kezia]

@1gazza what was the bomb that was dropped? i’m a little confused.

 

[1gazza]

@kezia Telling your partner they are entitled before they leave the house is dropping an emotional bomb and very toxic way to start a day.

 

[kezia]

so yes, it’s a perennial problem. it’s always assumed that parent a will handle the kids on days off and yea, hi, i’m parent a.

i used to be a sahm and i think he grew accustomed to that convenience and thinks it stands today. i communicated on friday i had a very busy day and the kids had off - he responded that his day was light so it’s no problem.

i was actually very surprised then when he walked out on time this am, hence the grimace. the kids are older but they require transport galore, which i can’t provide when i’m in meetings and on calls, so i really thought he’d be at home parts of the day.

i totally think i deserve fawning if this is how it’s going to be! there’s no fawning!!

 

[midlifecrisisgirl]

@kezia This context does change things in my opinion. It’s really difficult to shift back to a mindset of two working parents after having the full availability of a SAHP.

It sounds like y’all just need one step further in the discussion. Kids are off, it’s a busy day for me, you’ll WFH/take the day/etc, right?

Also will just say the kids don’t have to be transported here and there all day. It’s fair to assess as a family everyone’s schedules and needs, parents and parents jobs included, and see what’s feasible.

 

[christian2018]

@kezia That sounds annoying, but your kids are old enough to understand that you’re working and can’t chauffeur them around.

Sounds like they can all entertain themselves, but they have to stay home. The older kids can keep an eye on the younger.

 

[trucker1]

@kezia I hire young teens to babysit my kids. I am a bit confused about what parenting is really needed.

Think about how it would be handled if you both worked in office. They would just stay home, right? Treat it like that. You don't need to chauffeur them around.

 

[kezia]

@trucker1 i’m surprised i have to justify to another mom why it’s disruptive to have 3 kids in the house all day while i’m working! preparing breakfast and lunch aside, my 3 girls and i are close and they’re not just going to stay to themselves the whole day (and it would be weird if they did!)

 

[paparazi257]

@kezia I mean some of this is you effectively communicating with your husband and some is also effectively communicating with your kids. Yes they are far old enough to be told they need to entertain themselves while you are actively working and that you’ll catch up with them next when you have a break.

 

[orthodox_christian]

@kezia My 4yo can understand that if he's in my "office" when I'm working that he needs to keep his volume reasonable or I will send him to a different room...

 

[cins]

@kezia Your teens can’t prepare their own breakfast or lunch? They (and the third grader to honest) are more than old enough to know how to use a microwave or to make a sandwich/toast/etc. I’m also confused as to why they “can’t just stay to themselves” all day when you’re working? They should be able to understand that you don’t have the day off and that they need to entertain themselves.

My sister and I are similar in age range to that listed in the post. My dad worked an extremely demanding job - WFH was non-existent then, and my mom was a teacher in a different system. So, her days off didn’t always align with ours. If that happened when we were around those same ages, we would just stay home alone for the day (unless my grandma could come get us). It was not a big deal.

 

[kezia]

@cins it’s a big deal when that repeats itself every day after school, during the summer when not in camp, every holiday we’re not off, every sick day, and every break. it’s not a one-off, so i can’t treat it like one. i don’t want them to sit on devices alone on their rooms all day!

 

[cins]

@kezia I absolutely think that your husband should be taking an active role in the kids’ childcare and shouldn’t be leaving it to you to find afterschool care and summer care. We are in total agreement there.

However, for instances like this one - random days where the kids are off and you and your husband are not - I think it’s unreasonable to always expect that one of you will be home entertaining the kids all day, given their ages. If they cannot manage to fend for themselves on a random Monday or if they cannot understand that you need space and privacy to work on a busy day, then I find that to be a much bigger issue.

 

[paparazi257]

@kezia So did you expect your husband to effectively take the day off so you could work today and never say that? I struggle to understand your end game here. Both of you WFH wouldn’t change the fact that FOR TODAY they’d still need to largely fend for themselves so you could both work.

And if this is a much bigger thing than today then you unfairly set him up to have this whole discussion based off today alone?

Sit down with your husband NOT in the morning while everyone is scrambling but when you actually have time to discuss childcare as a whole.

 

[kezia]

@paparazi257 no, i expected him to wfh for at least part of the day, even though it’s not ideal for him, so that the kids have 2 parents to go to and not just me. or, i expected him to ask me if i could do it and how he could support me. i did not like him walking out the door assuming i’d take care of it after i had told him my day would be busy. he’s quite flexible and self-employed, so even though it’s neither ideal nor his preference, he certainly can wfh. it’s the assumption - that is why i use the word entitled. i DO think it’s entitled to walk out the door and leave your partner to a more complex and fractured workday without even saying thank you.

 

[paparazi257]

@kezia But how was waiting til it got to that point and making a face the right way to solve it? I think that’s the part you’re missing here.

Sure he should have offered/asked. But you very easily also could have handled it better also. “Hey I see you’re getting ready for work. Remember the kids are home today. Can you either come home early or stay home til lunch to help?”

You asked for opinions and this seems to be the #1 agreement in the thread. I’m not sure if you actually wanted the opinions or just validation that you were more right than he was.

 

[kezia]

@paparazi257 i did want validation, that’s true. some of it’s hard to explain - like i didn’t even know he was leaving until he did - and other parts are valid. like, ofc i should have communicated better and not made a face.

i’m just so tired of this routine, bc it happens every time. “no prob” on friday turns into “ok bye!” on monday. and then the explanations and deep sighs about getting his stuff to come home. and frankly, the same comments from him that i see on this thread: doesn’t seem that much harder to work with the kids, so why do i have to upset my workday too when you’re already home?

i feel worse than i did when he walked out, i can tell you that much.
i don’t think communicating better would have really helped. i think i was meant to keep my mouth shut and just do it.